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Friday, July 29, 2011

The Broken Pinwheel

Last year I bought Alexandra and Dayne each a pinwheel. Of course, the weather ruined Alexandra's and I had to replace it. I did so this year, I bought two smaller pinwheels, thinking it would look nice, one on each side of her headstone. I went against my normal urge to buy all pink and girly and I bought a set of two blue pinwheels with small flowers.
The day I put them at the cemetery it was a little bit windy, I was happy that we would get to see them spin. I put the first one in on the left side and it began to spin away. The second went on the right side, only, it did not spin. I gave it a little push, to start it, but nothing happened. I thought they both worked when I bought them, but this one pinwheel was not cooperating.
I was annoyed, and I remember thinking..."nothing ever works the way it's supposed to."
Today as I stood at the cemetery watching one pinwheel spin as the other pinwheel stayed completely still, I thought about how they actually reminded me of me. I initially thought that it was just the way it is, I always buy things and then find a little flaw with them, something a little broken, a little ripped, a little imperfect, but today, those pinwheels were me...half broken, with the ability to do what I should, but for some reason it just doesn't happen.
Sometimes, when these kind of thoughts come to me, I wonder if Alexandra is sending me little messages. A broken pinwheel with the ability and desire to spin, but it needs a little push...or a lot of wind. Nothing comes easy, but the potential is there.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

What's changed and remains the same

A lot of things about me have changed since we lost Alexandra. Some things that I didn't even realize. Some things that changed or became triggers, I thought would pass, but so far, they haven't. I used to assume that the intense feelings would pass and I would get over certain issues, but that hasn't happened for a few things.
Babies...I can't handle seeing or hearing about any children that would be Alexandra's age, it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible person, but I just can't. It's so hard to see what I'm missing out on.
On top of that, new babies and pregnant women are triggers for me because I desperately WANT another child and it is just not happening for us, which is a different but also difficult issue to be dealing with.
And death...I am constantly paranoid about death. I sometimes think about if I die, what will happen? I check Dayne every hour or two throughout the night, I listen to him breathing, make sure his face isn't covered by his blanket. I check on the dog and even the hamster, several times a day.
It was the hamster that made me realize what I was doing. It has become so ingrained in everything that I do. I hadn't even noticed the lack of sleep I'm inflicting on myself, until it hit me while checking on the hamster. As with every day, I went into Dayne's room, over to her cage and called "Pretty girl! Fuzzy Bugsy!" and waited for her to poke her little nose out of her wooden igloo. I was annoyed with the igloo when Steve first bought it, how could I check on her in that thing? But all the information on hamsters says they need something like it, so I had to work around it, by waking the poor little hamster up several times a day and going in to see her run on her wheel several times a night.
I had joked to Steve about what I've been doing, and insisted that the hamster likes it, she likes the attention, but that night, as I stood there watching her run on her wheel I realized that I am so terrified of this little rodent dying that I have to check on her and make sure she's ok.
And I wonder what will happen when she does pass away. What will happen when I go in and she doesn't poke her cute little nose out of her igloo? What will I do?
I don't know where this has come from and I'm still working on how to get over it, or beyond it, or around it...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Has Alexandra Made a Footprint on Your Heart?

Alexandra has changed everything about me, everything about who I am and what I find important. She has impacted my life in such a profound way. I could write here every day for the rest of my life and never convey the actual amount that my life, beliefs and views have changed because of, and in spite of, my loss.
Sometimes people will contact me and tell me that they are thinking of me or that Alexandra's story has touched their life, or has helped them to understand what loss families are going through.
It is amazing to me that my little angel could reach so many people, people all over the world. Not just loss families, but ALL families.
I'm not done though, Alexandra isn't done making an impact on this world. For now though, I am grateful for every comment, every phone call, every email, every person who lets me know that Alexandra has left a little footprint on their heart.
Thank you.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Childhood

Sometimes when I remember things from my childhood, it makes me sad that there is so much stuff we're missing out on with Alexandra. My sister and I were very close in age, and though Dayne was 4 when we had Alexandra, I expected that they would be close and there would be shared memories of playing, learning and growing together.
It hurts so much that we have not been able to give Dayne a sibling, to share those special moments with.
This morning I was looking at quotes about angels, as I sometimes do when I am thinking of Alexandra, and I came across the prayer my sister and I used to say before bed.

"Angel of God, my guardian dear
To whom God's love commits me here;
Ever this day be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide."

I don't know why these memories of my childhood make me think of Alexandra, as if they're connected, but it seems that she is a part of every moment and every memory now.

My day was made a lot better this morning when I opened my email to find a picture of my new treasure bean! I think I have started a tradition, I will have to get a new treasure bean for Alexandra every year. This year I asked for a fairy and I couldn't be more pleased with it!

I also got a keychain, which I am VERY excited for!