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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Helping to spread our stories!

On Friday a local news station came to my house interview me for a story about loss and October 15th. I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the interview and all morning Friday I kept wondering how I would get through it! The people that came to talk to me though, were kind and understanding and were so respectful of Alexandra's memory and our story. The interview aired last night and their respect really shines through, they did a great job in helping to share Alexandra's story, spread awareness, and make me look like I am not a spaz!
This is a big step on my path to having all of the babies lost recognized by the world. A step in helping to heal families and a step in the right direction to help Canada see that this cause, and our day needs to be acknowledged.
I wanted to share my interview! I'll apologize in advance for the shaky video, I recorded it with my camera off my TV.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 15th - Wave of light

Yesterday was October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Two days before on October 13th, I received an email letting me know that our work for this day had paid off. The Mayor's office had sent the proclamation declaring October 15th as Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day in my city. This is just one step on our path to having all of the babies lost here in Canada remembered and acknowledged.
With this wonderful news in my heart, we lit our candle last night. It was a new candle that we just bought, with a new candle holder. It's just for Oct. 15th, and says it will burn for 30 hours, so hopefully it will be our October 15th candle for the next 30 years!
Dayne better understands why this day is important this year and he was excited to be involved and take some time out of his day for Alexandra. He asked if she was watching, and of course, I said yes.
I think that Alexandra is proud of all the work we're doing in her honor, and I hope to help her to impact this world even more as time goes on.
Last night I was thinking of all the loss moms I have met over the last year and half. I hope that you all were having a peaceful day.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Still Miss You

This morning I got up at 7am, like I do 6 days a week (not Sunday, Sunday I sleep in). I showered, got dressed, did my hair, made Dayne's breakfast, got him ready, and chatted with him as we walked to his school. I laughed as he told me funny little Dayne stories and I watched him run around in circles. After Dayne went into the school I ran my nephews swimming stuff into the office for him and I walked back home listening to music all the way. It was a regular morning, like every other morning...
When I arrived at home, I let the dog out, changed into my comfy pants and sat down on my bed. When the morning stopped in that minute, something clicked inside of me and I became overwhelmed with my grief. It's been almost a year and a half since we lost Alexandra, and still some days I am right back to where I was that day. Lost.
I thought I was having a bad minute and tried to compose myself, I have things to get done. But it wasn't just a minute, it was more than that as I quickly realized when the crying turned into sobbing. I sat on my bed, all alone in my house, sobbing. I still miss Alexandra, just as much as I did the day she left us and just as much as I will until the day I die. And some days the realization that this is my life now, that I'm never going to wake up and find my daughter still here with us, is just too much.
Today is one of those days.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tree Lined Road

For most of my childhood I would have several, recurring dreams. One such dream was of me driving in a car, sometimes it was a car from my childhood, sometimes a car I didn't recognize, sometimes I would be in the front seat, sometimes the back, but the outside of the car always remained the same. The car drove down a tree lined road, the leaves on the trees were all yellow and falling off the trees, covering the ground in a blanket of yellow. It was always night time in the dream and there were always terrible, sad feelings brought about by it, like something terrible was about to, or just had, happened.
The other night we went for our usual trip to the cemetery. It was dark out though, something common for our trips there in the fall. Last year, we drove the back way in to the cemetery, this year, we drive a slightly different way. As we drove, I felt like I was back in that dream. This road was lined with trees, the leaves yellow and falling, the ground was covered in that fall blanket. It was shocking to me, thinking back to my dream, wondering if I was making a connection where there was none.
I haven't had that dream in years, and now I can't help but wonder if it was just a glimpse of my future, or just a grieving mom grasping at straws to make herself feel...better?