tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23196481754126712682024-02-20T16:45:44.409-08:00Angel Baby AlexandraOne mom's journey through grief.Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.comBlogger253125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-83429374256383660162016-06-15T15:33:00.000-07:002016-06-15T15:33:06.370-07:00It's Been a While...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today I came to my blog to look for some pictures I had of Alexandra's memory box. I read through some old posts, cried a bit, thought a bit, and considered what I would say today to all the people who read my blog during the darkest moments of my life.<br />
It has been a while since I came to this place and I don't really know why. I have continued to do what I can do within the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Program in Calgary, I have continued to celebrate Alexandra's memory.<br />
This April we held our last annual Celebrating Alexandra fundraiser. It had grown difficult for me to continue holding public events to celebrate Alexandra's birthday when my heart was telling me that it was time to celebrate privately. So, we switched up our entire event, we created an amazing day of healing. We held activities throughout the day from drumming, to jewelry making, to yoga, fitness, reiki, and mindfulness, all in the hopes that we could bring peace to just a few people. The event wasn't well attended, our lowest turnout to date, in fact. But the people that were there, they left with smiles on their faces, and I think a little bit more peace in their hearts, and so, we were successful.<br />
It's not the end for us though, I just wanted to take a step back, work on something that would help families, but not be so incredibly tied to my heart. So, I jumped head on into working on a fundraiser for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And it's going to be huge, so I'm really excited. I feel like this will be a new beginning, a new chance to share Alexandra's memory with the world, while helping other families to do the same with their children.<br />
What would I say to those people that read so many years ago, and those people that are reading now, is this - I have found this peaceful calm within myself that I didn't know existed. I thank Alexandra for that. I am thankful that she taught me to appreciate every single moment, to be aware that we just don't know what will happen next, so we must be grateful for every breath, every flower, every incredible moment of our lives. I miss Alexandra every day, I think about her every single day, and I am now, more than ever, aware of the incredible gifts that she has given me, especially the ability to know my own strength and keep moving forward, no matter what.<br />
So, it does get easier...it does. It is not an easy road, but through it all, if you are kind to yourself, you will get there, you really will. And even if you don't believe it right now, it will happen. <3 p=""><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-80356765611644772742014-04-29T10:17:00.001-07:002014-04-29T10:17:32.598-07:00Happy Birthday Little Angel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Four years ago I was sitting in the hospital with Steve, living the most real moment I have ever lived. In that moment I couldn't imagine my life going on for another day, let alone four more years. In my mind, that will always be the day the world stopped. I saw my life, a moment of it anyway, moving in slow motion, and I went through the motions, feeling like a stranger in my own mind. Shock will do that to you.<br />
When the world started moving again, I didn't understand how it was possible, why it was happening, how could I carry on like nothing had happened? And I learned then, that I didn't have to just start moving again, like the world had. That my forward motion would be forever altered and that was ok, as long as I could take those steps with Alexandra in my heart, every single day.<br />
Today I can't help but reflect on the last four years, and as I do that, I think about how things would be different if she were here with me. I don't like to think about that often, there are many things that would be different and many things that wouldn't be at all, but I don't think it's healthy dwell on everything that could have been, when life has presented me with a different path to travel down.<br />
Today Alexandra turns 4 years old and while she's not here with me, and I miss her more than I will ever be able to express here, I just know that she would be proud of how we have carried her with us the last four years.<br />
My sweet little angel will never be forgotten...and I will miss her every single day for the rest of my life. </div>
Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-71806047993003997922013-04-29T09:44:00.001-07:002013-04-29T09:44:25.239-07:00Happy Birthday Alexandra<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Alexandra is three years old today. I can't believe it's been three years, it feels like just yesterday we were holding her in the hospital. The pain has numbed over the last three years, but it's still very distinctively there. That little hole in my heart, that knowledge that I am missing one of my children.<br />
Alexandra would have been going to pre-school this September, she would have been potty trained <br />(or potty training), she would know some colors, some numbers, she would be chatty like her big brother. And speaking of her big brother, she would chase him around and drive him crazy, I'm sure. She would want to see everything he's doing and DO everything he's doing. I can imagine the fights and bickering between the two of them. I wish I was listening to those fights every day.<br />
In my head Alexandra is still a baby, it's easy for me to imagine how it would have been, if she lived, but I do find it difficult to connect that image with the one in my head of the little girl I held in my arms. It's not fair that I didn't get to see her grow up into the little girl she should be today. <br />
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday party and our annual fundraiser for the pregnancy and infant loss program. We had so much support this year and not only met our $3000 goal, but exceeded it by at least $1000! I will post the final total when I have it. It was an amazing day, I was truly touched by all of the support we received and by all the people that came out in memory of our sweet little girl.<br />
I think that Alexandra was looking down on us yesterday and I hope that she was proud. <br />
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Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-29334641977622917002013-03-31T21:37:00.000-07:002013-03-31T21:37:02.518-07:00Easter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Long time no see! I always mean to write, but can't find the words very often these days. I thought I would post today, it's been almost a year. So much has gone on though. We had October 15th declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day again. I read some poems at a get together for people who had lost a child within the last year. It was hard, I tried to make it through without crying, but didn't even make it past the title of the first poem without breaking down. We held a fundraiser to celebrate October 15th and remember all the babies lost. It was a pancake breakfast and we did quite well. I'm busy planning Alexandra's Fundraiser, which will be held on April 28th again this year. It's looking like it may be our biggest event yet, which is amazing since I was concerned this year about how it would turn out. We've been getting a lot of support from the people and businesses in Calgary and it is truly touching.<br />
I've made it through almost another year without my daughter. I think about how it would be with her here often. I imagine that she would be running around and harassing her big brother. In my mind, she would be very girly and always in cute outfits, tutus, or princess costumes. Rather than stopping at the cemetery to bring her Easter present, she would have been dressed in her new Easter Dress from her Nana and Papa, hunting for eggs with her brother. It would have been wonderful.<br />
Sometimes it's hard to just bring Alexandra's memory into things in a healthy way. It's hard to not dwell for a little while on what should have been and feel sad about what isn't. Easter is my most difficult holiday, so close to her birthday, so close. I can't help but think about how close I was to having her, how close we made it.<br />
I just hope that, while I can't see her, I hope she's looking down on me, and I hope she's proud of everything we do to share her life with the world.</div>
Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-2226696827181813292012-04-30T08:58:00.002-07:002012-04-30T08:58:36.468-07:00The Battle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Recently I got a "part time" job at a pub in my neighborhood. I thought it would be nice to make a little extra money. With planning the fundraiser and a vacation for next month, I may have bitten off a bit more than I could chew with the job, but I felt like it was time for me to get back out there. I say "part time" and not part time, because what should have been 3 days a week has turned into more, and that's ok, I guess, but it does add more to an already full plate.<br />
April 27th marked 2 years from the day we found out we lost Alexandra and instead of walking peacefully through the cemetery, Steve and I had to run around picking up things for the fundraiser, setting up the hall, and getting ready for Saturday. We stopped at the cemetery and I cried, it wasn't all about Alexandra, Steve and I were arguing about something stupid, and I was frustrated and tired. And then I felt guilty, like I ruined our moments with Alexandra by being upset about other, not so important things.<br />
Saturday went well according to other people, but not as well as I had hoped. I will upload our little news clip when I get a few minutes. I feel like there's a better way to raise more money, but I haven't thought of it yet. We received a huge book donation and many of them didn't sell, so my living room currently looks like the walls are made of boxes of books.<br />
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday. I had booked the whole weekend off and after a lot of confusion, I wasn't able to get Sunday off, so I had to work last night. I spent my day organizing and sorting books, trying to make sense of the mess that was once the place Dayne and I had Just Dance offs, but had no luck even putting a dent in it before I had to leave for work. We did go to the cemetery and place a lalaloopsy doll there for Alexandra. But I wish we had gotten more time there. Last year we released balloons, I wish we had done that this year too. I didn't forget about Alexandra, I didn't neglect her birthday, but I feel guilty nonetheless.<br />
I should have waited to find a job until after the fundraiser, until after Alexandra's birthday. I had a terrible night at work, with walk outs, rude customers and general frustrations, and I walked home afterwards crying. Feeling sorry for myself, I sat in the backyard with my dog after I got home and cried some more. I just wanted to have what we had last year, a peaceful day to remember our daughter.<br />
I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I didn't realize how much time I had to gain those peaceful moments before this, I didn't realize how much I needed them, and now, I have everything on my plate and I feel like there's no way to get back to a calm place within myself.<br />
I am having a battle within myself. Half of me wants to just give up, curl up in my bed and cry. The other half of me keeps saying that I am strong, if I just get through this, there will be time for me to take later. I will sit in Alexandra's room and have a whole peaceful, calm, gentle day to work through these new feelings. If I can just claw my way through this little bit of time...</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-89546224603636240142012-04-08T12:08:00.000-07:002012-04-08T12:08:25.531-07:00Easter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">This is it, the last <i>second</i> holiday without Alexandra. I can't help but look back over the last two years and think about how far I fell and how far I've come. In the last year I learned what it's like to rise above the grief and see things clearly. To incorporate my daughter into my life in a positive way, to make happy memories that include her, not in the way I wanted, but in the way I <i>can.</i><br />
I still have bad days, sad days, lonely days; days where I wake up and think...this isn't MY life, it can't be. Some things are still hard, other things have come surprisingly easy, but no matter what, here I am, Alexandra's mom,<i> no matter what</i>.<br />
I am wishing all of the loss families out there a peaceful and gentle Easter. I hope that those who are in the thick of their grief are able to see that, it will never be the same, but there is some hope out there.<br />
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</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-78516563415847135572012-03-30T18:31:00.000-07:002012-03-30T18:31:08.894-07:00Zombies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Sometimes I feel like people are tiptoeing around me, afraid of how I will react to things. I feel like, child loss isn't a topic I'm allowed to discuss unless I'm educating people in the proper venue. If I respond to people at any other time I am told that I am being emotional or given the look that implies a pat on the head and a "Yes sweetie, we get it, you're sad." as if nothing I say holds any volume because I'm just another loss mom. I'm not allowed have a valid opinion on loss, because I've lost a child.<br />
How does this make sense to people? And I try to express myself in a calm and assertive way, one the gets the point across without being overly emotional, but it doesn't matter because I'm one of them.<br />
I liken it to zombies. People view loss moms in much the same way they view zombies. There are certain things that will bring us around, talking about loss, diminishing loss, losing a child yourself, we sense it and we come out in hoards. And when we pop up, people are afraid! They don't know what to do, what to say or how to react. So they whip out the only weapon they know will silence us, gas lighting. Making a loss mom feel like she's too emotional to understand, to know what she's saying, to think anything rational. You'll hear comments to an offender that has brought us about that run the line of "Good job, you've riled the loss moms!" And then, like a good zombie hunter, they whip out their weapon and fire..."Maybe this isn't the best topic for you dear...", "I know it's hard, but try not to be so emotional.", "Sweetie, you need to let go of this."<br />
Yes, I have lost a child, and life is hard without her. And yes I will speak up when someone is ignorant about child loss and everything that the grief of it entails, but I'm not to be feared. My words may help someone, silencing the people that have been there is the worst idea. Making us feel like we are crazy, or too emotional to be the voice for the children we lost is not fair and we've been dealt a hand that grossly lacks in fairness to begin with. What I have to say has value, and what I have lost doesn't make me useless to this world. </div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-4835580848519187182012-03-25T19:14:00.000-07:002012-03-25T19:14:09.912-07:00Including Alexandra<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Including Alexandra in our every day life has come fairly easily. Sometimes when we're out I wonder if people know what I'm doing when they see me pull out Alexandra's treasure bean and start taking pictures. Most people do glance, and I would gladly explain if they asked, but nobody ever has. I wonder though, if those people know what I'm doing, if they have a treasure bean of their own, if they're part of our loss family and I just haven't met them yet.<br />
This weekend we went to Elbow Falls. Alexandra was there with us.<br />
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</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-49071584716806847432012-03-14T11:36:00.000-07:002012-03-14T11:36:24.313-07:00Sometimes it's not easy, even now.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I've been having a hard time lately. I think I have been neglecting myself a bit, not taking those moments to just be by myself and be sad, or happy, or just ok. Life gets busy and the world moves quickly around me. I try hard to not be bitter or unhappy with what life has given me, but sometimes those feelings creep in. These days especially, I am experiencing intense sadness over my inability to conceive a child. I don't know if I ever will, or why I haven't, or what I can do to speed things along for me, but it's hard to swallow that moment, every month when I realize, this month isn't going to be the one...again.<br />
And you know how it seems like, when you really want something, everyone else has it? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately, everyone is pregnant and having babies, and I am so happy for all those people, I know what a gift a child is. But, under those happy feelings there's something else, a sad, sinking, feeling. This sharp pain deep in my chest, and the lump wells in my throat as I ask myself...will I ever be there again? Will I ever carry another child? Will I ever be taking my new baby home from the hospital?<br />
Alexandra has been gone almost two years and I am so grateful for that way that she has touched my life. But some days I feel like I have not advanced one step from where I was the day she was born.</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-23329982375289906782012-02-19T16:23:00.000-08:002012-02-19T16:23:37.095-08:00A Project!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Last week I had a meeting with a woman working on a project for Alexandra's fundraiser. She had a brilliant idea and we are moving forward with this project, which will be a bit of a surprise!<br />
This project is special because it doesn't just include Alexandra, it includes loss babies everywhere. I am writing today to ask all the loss families out there if they would like to have their child's NAME included in this project. If you would like your baby's name included, please let me know! I will take pictures of all the names and get them to you all.<br />
The fundraiser isn't until April 28th, so the pictures won't be up until then, but I will need at least 100 names, ASAP. </div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-56915543066447769122012-02-17T07:06:00.000-08:002012-02-17T07:06:58.397-08:00More Awareness, More Hope For the Future<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">In January I was interviewed by a very kind woman from CBC radio. She was doing a story on Infant Loss and what programs my city has available.<br />
I wanted to share the story, and with it, possibly some hope, that with every bit of awareness we bring, we step closer to removing that awkwardness surrounding our losses.<br />
<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/homestretch/episode/2012/02/15/infant-loss/#.Tz5sxwkx3Ac.blogger">CBC.ca | The Homestretch | Infant loss</a></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-2531772147758132862011-12-24T07:58:00.000-08:002011-12-24T07:58:18.626-08:00Merry Christmas Alexandra<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Tomorrow is my second Christmas without my daughter. All the presents are piled under the tree (except for what Santa is bringing, of course!), and on top of it all sits Alexandra's stocking, with the pictures that Dayne drew her last year, and the gift we bought her for the cemetery this year. Alexandra will never get anything other than a teddy bear or other stuffed animal. We will never be struggling to get a toy out of a box for her to play with on Christmas morning, never curse the toy company that packaged the new tea set so it was almost impossible to unwrap. I'll never be annoyed with Steve because I had to put together the doll house.<br />
I think about all the things we are missing, all of the things we got with Dayne that we will never get with Alexandra. It's holidays and birthdays that pass that I find especially hard. Alexandra may be sharing in those things from somewhere else. She may be watching over us, and she may be happy with everything that she sees, but it's not the same, she is not here with us. I will never see her face light up when she opens her presents, or see her smile when Dayne teaches her the Christmas songs he learns in school.<br />
This year Alexandra gets a teddy bear with a pink Calgary Flames hoodie on. We will leave it there for her tomorrow, and I will wonder if she sees us there, including her in Christmas, missing her and wishing she was with us. She would be able to open her gifts with less help this year and would be able to get more involved in all the festivities. I picture how it would be if she was here with me and it breaks me heart.<br />
I am missing out on so much stuff with my daughter.<br />
We try to include Alexandra in everything in our lives in a positive way. I do try not to dwell on how it could be and focus on how it is. Alexandra is not here with us, but she is around us and her memory is making a difference in this world. But, at times like this, it's hard not to think about what should have been...</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-3869116161037567162011-12-12T09:42:00.000-08:002011-12-12T09:42:02.361-08:00My Ross<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">This blog has really become more than just Alexandra's blog, it has become a way for me to express myself, help others, a place for me to grieve safely, and a place for me to remember. It's been a rough few years for my family and this blog has really reflected those times.<br />
On Friday Steve and I dropped Dayne off at school and decided to take the time alone to do some Christmas shopping. We started with a few errands at the pet store, headed to another store and then off to a craft store. As I walked around the craft store looking for something, my mom called. I had called her, so I thought she was returning my call, all the while, she thought I was returning her calls. I chatted to her about where I could find something I was looking for and everything seemed normal. At a pause in the conversation my mom started asking about where Steve was, if he was working, if he was with me, was he right there with me. The line of questioning seemed very strange to me, it was excessive.<br />
After a minute of this, my mom said "The reason I was calling you was to let you know that Ross passed away."<br />
And the world stopped moving, everything stood still. My voice froze in my throat and my mouth fell open.<br />
Ross, my Ross, was my grandma's husband. They got married when I was in grade 7, and Ross became a huge part of my life. They got married in my Grandma's back yard, I remember it like yesterday.<br />
As I grew Ross played one of the most important roles in my life. As a troubled teen Ross was always there for me, he always made me feel loved, like he accepted me no matter what. During that time I formed a bond with Ross that would remain unbreakable over the years.<br />
I would sit with him and wrap my arm around his back and rest my head on his shoulder, and he would always make a sarcastic joke about whatever was going on at the time. Before I left him, every time, I would say, "You behave Ross!" and he would say "You too!" and most recently he would tell me that he had no choice but to behave. We would chat about all sorts of things, Ross and I, sometimes ghosts, sometimes Steve's work, current events, I loved to talk with Ross.<br />
The news devastated me, and the rest of my day went on, as if I was in a fog, like we should be doing something, but there was nothing for us to do. On Friday night we went to my Grandma's house. When we walked in she commented, "You can sit in his chair." But nobody did. The recliner where Ross always sat, was empty, his laptop set to the side, his walker tucked away in the corner. His sweater was resting over the arm of his chair and I just wanted to go curl up in his chair, with his sweater, and cry...not just cry, I wanted to sob. I didn't though, I sat in my usual spot, on the end of couch, glancing over at his chair often, wishing that I was alone there so I could have a moment to sit in his chair, just last Christmas I posed for a picture in that chair with him.<br />
I had to stay strong and not cry for my Grandma, she was working so hard to hold it together for everyone, I could tell that if I started crying, she would too, and then we'd all be a disaster of tears and running noses. If we started would any of be able to stop?<br />
These last days have been difficult for me. I miss him and I regret not spending more time with him than I did. My heart is broken.<br />
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</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-88102018685111340642011-12-05T12:53:00.000-08:002011-12-05T12:53:39.151-08:00Through the snow, creeps hope<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Today hasn't been the best day. I've been feeling down. Christmas is coming, another Christmas without Alexandra. It's sad to think about, especially when I see other kids Alexandra's age, all dressed up for the holidays.<br />
Compounding my sadness is the fact that I am still not pregnant. I desperately want to have another child, but it just isn't happening, and that breaks my heart every single day. <br />
So, while I went about my day, thinking about how much this holiday season sucks, I took the dog out to play in the snow. I take him out several times a day, the same way every day. This time though, as I walked, looking at the ground to avoid ice, as usual, I saw something odd. It was green, leafy, and kind of round, and at first I thought it was sitting on top of the snow. I also thought it was some kind of fake plant that had blown to the side of our steps. I bent down to pick it up and I realized that it hadn't blown there, and it wasn't fake. It was a real little plant of some kind, growing up through the snow. It wasn't there this morning, or I have somehow missed it all this time, but the snow is deep and somehow this little plant made it's way out of it.<br />
I dug it out a bit, to see what the bottom looked like, it is not doing very well, but there it was...like hope, creeping up through the snow, stealing the light.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMTK48rPO1mcSf-v6Hkl3Wk6lW7aK4AO_5dnbIFKdaJIq_IvKTZK5l_jtf-OmWH_qtYYNrguIldl8l4Ot2lD4Q7OSFJnDppTumc8z-CIO_3GBWuqI8A60cqM6op3CG1BVLrVKQkLoWaaK/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMTK48rPO1mcSf-v6Hkl3Wk6lW7aK4AO_5dnbIFKdaJIq_IvKTZK5l_jtf-OmWH_qtYYNrguIldl8l4Ot2lD4Q7OSFJnDppTumc8z-CIO_3GBWuqI8A60cqM6op3CG1BVLrVKQkLoWaaK/s320/003.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-42183709166145113412011-12-03T07:17:00.000-08:002011-12-03T07:17:40.937-08:00Caring Beyond<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Last night was our local pregnancy and infant loss candle light service. It happens every year in December and is a wonderful way to remember our children around the holidays. They have a tree for families to place an ornament on and everyone gets to light a candle for their babies. The battery in my camera was dead, so unfortunately, I did not get a picture of Alexandra's ornament, but I will say that it was a dark pink and purple and VERY sparkly! Dayne chose it after much consideration between many, many other sparkly ornaments. Dayne feels that Alexandra sparkles, so she needs things that sparkle too. I don't know where this boy comes up with this stuff, but it amazes me every time something like that comes out of his mouth.<br />
It was just a lovely service, and I'm so glad that I went, I had the chance to reconnect with some other loss mommies that I've met along the way, and share in a night that was just for our children.<br />
I plan to go back every year, and I hope to get more involved next year. I was thinking about all of the wonderful women that I have met through my blog and through the online loss community last night, and I am wishing you all a very peaceful holiday season.<br />
On the way out of the hospital it was bright enough to take a picture with my phone, so I took a picture of a cow that I thought Dayne would like. When I showed him this morning he said, "Do you think Alexandra thinks that cow is cool too?" So, I didn't get a picture of her ornament, but I guess we have Dayne and Alexandra's Christmas Cow to remember that night.<br />
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</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-18739097721379985152011-11-11T11:31:00.000-08:002011-11-11T11:31:28.345-08:00Lest We Forget<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLlYN6XIta5MEtRlLLaAiHAJcq_BfCjXZSsiP3BKBO6Pejkx2u56l93kKxt8fAZ6GLM3uRoVtkSDxlUxyybB4sV8b_oI33S093fMmS2dCPsgRM77Sq5CuBMS8VYCiXBKtEjibaP3MFfnHi/s1600/poppy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLlYN6XIta5MEtRlLLaAiHAJcq_BfCjXZSsiP3BKBO6Pejkx2u56l93kKxt8fAZ6GLM3uRoVtkSDxlUxyybB4sV8b_oI33S093fMmS2dCPsgRM77Sq5CuBMS8VYCiXBKtEjibaP3MFfnHi/s320/poppy.JPG" width="272px" /></a></div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-87781690652638118712011-10-25T09:05:00.000-07:002011-10-25T09:05:52.628-07:00Helping to spread our stories!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">On Friday a local news station came to my house interview me for a story about loss and October 15th. I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the interview and all morning Friday I kept wondering how I would get through it! The people that came to talk to me though, were kind and understanding and were so respectful of Alexandra's memory and our story. The interview aired last night and their respect really shines through, they did a great job in helping to share Alexandra's story, spread awareness, and make me look like I am not a spaz! <br />
This is a big step on my path to having all of the babies lost recognized by the world. A step in helping to heal families and a step in the right direction to help Canada see that this cause, and our day needs to be acknowledged.<br />
I wanted to share my interview! I'll apologize in advance for the shaky video, I recorded it with my camera off my TV. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/s0rACWlt9PY" width="420"></iframe><br />
</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-20141479443121000762011-10-16T08:57:00.000-07:002011-10-16T08:57:20.827-07:00October 15th - Wave of light<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Yesterday was October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Two days before on October 13th, I received an email letting me know that our work for this day had paid off. The Mayor's office had sent the proclamation declaring October 15th as Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day in my city. This is just one step on our path to having all of the babies lost here in Canada remembered and acknowledged. <br />
With this wonderful news in my heart, we lit our candle last night. It was a new candle that we just bought, with a new candle holder. It's just for Oct. 15th, and says it will burn for 30 hours, so hopefully it will be our October 15th candle for the next 30 years!<br />
Dayne better understands why this day is important this year and he was excited to be involved and take some time out of his day for Alexandra. He asked if she was watching, and of course, I said yes. <br />
I think that Alexandra is proud of all the work we're doing in her honor, and I hope to help her to impact this world even more as time goes on.<br />
Last night I was thinking of all the loss moms I have met over the last year and half. I hope that you all were having a peaceful day.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5jZ0hC0ZViVm5wl0idT68dYihGsYsl-0PIBe37jky7rSvhBlFJSCl7tHmusj95mKPigP3lz6InB5uwczDpTEQoPi4D-7PLCY0VPw-BLz9xuoPlWeGc1-05JzJ4AfXC1A5WdFo8xso5EoZ/s1600/k.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" oda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5jZ0hC0ZViVm5wl0idT68dYihGsYsl-0PIBe37jky7rSvhBlFJSCl7tHmusj95mKPigP3lz6InB5uwczDpTEQoPi4D-7PLCY0VPw-BLz9xuoPlWeGc1-05JzJ4AfXC1A5WdFo8xso5EoZ/s320/k.JPG" width="240px" /></a></div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-57242964395221436962011-10-03T09:01:00.000-07:002011-10-03T09:01:42.788-07:00I Still Miss You<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">This morning I got up at 7am, like I do 6 days a week (not Sunday, Sunday I sleep in). I showered, got dressed, did my hair, made Dayne's breakfast, got him ready, and chatted with him as we walked to his school. I laughed as he told me funny little Dayne stories and I watched him run around in circles. After Dayne went into the school I ran my nephews swimming stuff into the office for him and I walked back home listening to music all the way. It was a regular morning, like every other morning...<br />
When I arrived at home, I let the dog out, changed into my comfy pants and sat down on my bed. When the morning stopped in that minute, something clicked inside of me and I became overwhelmed with my grief. It's been almost a year and a half since we lost Alexandra, and still some days I am right back to where I was that day. Lost.<br />
I thought I was having a bad minute and tried to compose myself, I have things to get done. But it wasn't just a minute, it was more than that as I quickly realized when the crying turned into sobbing. I sat on my bed, all alone in my house, sobbing. I still miss Alexandra, just as much as I did the day she left us and just as much as I will until the day I die. And some days the realization that this is my life now, that I'm never going to wake up and find my daughter still here with us, is just too much.<br />
Today is one of those days.</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-58716900941391838722011-10-02T13:53:00.000-07:002011-10-02T13:53:36.876-07:00Tree Lined Road<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">For most of my childhood I would have several, recurring dreams. One such dream was of me driving in a car, sometimes it was a car from my childhood, sometimes a car I didn't recognize, sometimes I would be in the front seat, sometimes the back, but the outside of the car always remained the same. The car drove down a tree lined road, the leaves on the trees were all yellow and falling off the trees, covering the ground in a blanket of yellow. It was always night time in the dream and there were always terrible, sad feelings brought about by it, like something terrible was about to, or just had, happened.<br />
The other night we went for our usual trip to the cemetery. It was dark out though, something common for our trips there in the fall. Last year, we drove the back way in to the cemetery, this year, we drive a slightly different way. As we drove, I felt like I was back in that dream. This road was lined with trees, the leaves yellow and falling, the ground was covered in that fall blanket. It was shocking to me, thinking back to my dream, wondering if I was making a connection where there was none.<br />
I haven't had that dream in years, and now I can't help but wonder if it was just a glimpse of my future, or just a grieving mom grasping at straws to make herself feel...better?</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-13976007632743036822011-09-15T10:25:00.000-07:002011-09-15T10:25:52.236-07:00I want to write<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I have been neglecting this place, my safe place. I relied on this blog to inform my family and express my feelings during the darkest days of my life. I don't know why I have been neglecting it. I could give a million excuses about our busy lives, our summer, the new school year, but I'm not going to do that.<br />
I will say that things certainly have been busy here. This summer I made such a huge effort to make sure that Dayne experienced all the things he missed last summer while he sat, mostly at home with me, while I was grieving. He has proclaimed this as the "best summer EVER!" and I knew in that moment that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do for him.<br />
He has started school, full days. The first day, I cried. I miss my little guy and it reminds me, if Alexandra was here, I would still miss my boy, but I would have her here to keep me busy, to help the time go by more quickly.<br />
I have been working on Alexandra things, having pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day recognized in my city. We are just waiting on the proclamation to be written now, as they have agreed to acknowledge this day here. I am proud of this. I do feel like I dropped the ball, I had big plans for some kind of walk or gathering for October 15th this year, and nothing seems to have gotten planned. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where the time went, I wish I could keep up with every single thing that I want to get done. Things will be accomplished, things will get done, but in time, and I want them done NOW! <br />
One step at a time, right? <br />
You think I would have an abundance of time on my hands, sitting here alone all day long, while Dayne is in school, so, I can't help but wonder, why I feel like there simply aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. And I want to write so much more than I am...</div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-3412755173564325782011-08-19T12:40:00.000-07:002011-08-19T12:40:55.876-07:00For my friend, I will...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div closure_uid_hparhh="111">Jenny is what I like to call my bestest best friend in the whole wide world. We first met when we were 12 and 13 years old, in grade 7. We had some ups and down in those first few years, but we quickly realized that ours was a friendship that would stand the test of time. And it has.</div><div closure_uid_hparhh="111">Through my loss, Jenny was there, no matter what I needed, she was there for me. Jenny, her husband and their daughter were all there for Alexandra's fundraiser, helping us find items, baking, helping with everything that they could, they were there with me the entire day.</div><div closure_uid_hparhh="111">My bestest best friend Jenny is pregnant with her second daughter. I happened to have some maternity clothes still kicking around my house, so I decided to give them to Jenny when I returned the items she had lent me for Alexandra...Items that have been sitting in Alexandra's nursery for over a year now. Last night I also decided that Jenny needed to have some of Alexandra's clothes. I have been holding onto them, unable to take them out of her dresser, unable to give them away. Something changed in me last night though, I decided that, for my friend, I would let go of some of those items and share them with someone who would be truly grateful for them. And when I gave them to Jenny, her response was just what I expected from her, so thankful and so kind. First making sure that it was ok and I would be ok giving up these items.</div><div closure_uid_hparhh="111">Jenny and I are crossing a new bridge together, each dealing with something incredibly difficult with the other one. I feel like I have traumatised my dear friend with my loss, I have given her a new concern that she didn't realize was there before, and I feel terribly about that. But despite her own feelings, she stood with me, looking through Alexandra's stuff today. She looked at my daughter's pictures with me and she cried, while I, as usual, fought off the tears until she left. </div><div closure_uid_hparhh="111">Standing in my reality is hard for her because she is my friend and she feels sad for me, and because it is scary for her. Standing in her reality is hard for me because I don't want to hurt or scare her and because she is pregnant and I wish that I was, and she is having a daughter and I wish that I had my daughter. So, the two of stood together today, by each other's sides, in each other's realities, scared and sad, but together. Because that is what friends do, and I am so grateful to have a friend in Jenny.</div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-83507684929711398772011-08-14T08:41:00.000-07:002011-08-14T08:41:55.846-07:00The Hawks Are Everywhere<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div closure_uid_9qj28x="143">I look forward to seeing hawks because of what I feel is a connection between the hawks and my daughter. I have spoke of this before, but for those that haven't read from the beginning, we started seeing the hawks around the time that we lost our daughter. I noticed that whenever I would be sitting on the couch in my living room looking out the window, in a state of complete despair, missing my daughter, I would see a hawk, off in the distance, circling in the sky. I had never noticed these hawks before.</div>Losing Alexandra has changed me in such a profound way, where I would once glance at the hawk and carry on, I now stop to watch. I stop to look at the flowers, the trees, the little birds chirping. I see jack rabbits hopping around. I notice little miracles in everything. I know that some people lose their faith when they lost a child, I can completely understand how that could happen, I mean, really, how could you not question things a little bit, at least for a minute, but the opposite happened for me. <br />
Last night on the way to the cemetery, Steve and I chatted, we discussed he idea that when you die, you may cease to exist. Steve questions things in his head a lot, and he is in a very different place than me at the moment. I asked him, how could he not believe that there is something more out there now, when he had discussed his belief that the hawks must have something to do with Alexandra, less than a year ago. He is just questioning things right now, and that's ok, and probably more than that, it's good that he's searching within himself for the answers that will make him the most comfortable.<br />
At the cemetery, I wiped Alexandra's headstone, had a few minutes with her, organized her stuffed animals, chatted with Dayne about the mushrooms around Alexandra's grave. It's been raining a lot, so I explained that the rain makes the mushrooms grow and then I explained the story that my mom told me when I was younger, about the possibility that little fairies reside under mushrooms. It was kind of neat to me because I had just received Alexandra's new treasure bean, with a fairy on it, and here I was, explaining fairies to Dayne, and maybe Alexandra was listening too.<br />
After we were finished visiting with Alexandra, I headed down the hill to my Grandfather's grave, to clean it up. I sat in the grass with my scissors trimming the grass around it, wiping away the dirt and dust and talking to my son about his great grandfather. There are water taps in the cemetery, but the one we could locate was not working, so Steve wandered around with the bucket looking for another tap. As Steve walked down the road directly in front of me and down a small hill, we all heard a loud hawk cry. All three of us stopped, turned and looked up. We all saw it then, high up in a pine tree, perched on the very top branch, looking directly at Steve. Steve yelled up to me "Do you see it?" and I yelled back, "Yes!" And as Steve went to move, as if to say "STOP! Look at me!" The hawk screamed again, and every time Steve moved it would screech and stare at him.<br />
In my mind I thought of the postal workers in my city who had been attacked by a large hawk, probably as big as the one I was looking at right now, but the hawk didn't move, it just stared at Steve screeching. Dayne became excited at this encounter and jumped, yelling, "Hey hawk! Hi!" and the hawk turned it's head looking at him. I told him to be quiet, so he didn't scare the bird and we began to talk about what hawks like to eat as we stared up at it. <br />
This bird seemed fixated on Steve and, while it may have meant nothing more than a cool encounter to him, to me, this was just another little sign from our daughter. He dared to question and here was a sign, screeching at him from on top of a tree, within eye shot of Alexandra's grave. It was as if the hawk was telling Steve to believe.<br />
<div closure_uid_9qj28x="114">These moments are all around us, and I do believe if we just stop and listen, we will hear it, if we take a moment to look, we will all see. And with so many signs everywhere I look, how can I NOT believe that my little girl is somewhere around me, checking in, watching over us, letting us know that she is ok, she is with us and she misses us as much as we miss her?</div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-26966742978619954592011-07-29T22:16:00.000-07:002011-07-29T22:16:25.654-07:00The Broken Pinwheel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Last year I bought Alexandra and Dayne each a pinwheel. Of course, the weather ruined Alexandra's and I had to replace it. I did so this year, I bought two smaller pinwheels, thinking it would look nice, one on each side of her headstone. I went against my normal urge to buy all pink and girly and I bought a set of two blue pinwheels with small flowers. <br />
The day I put them at the cemetery it was a little bit windy, I was happy that we would get to see them spin. I put the first one in on the left side and it began to spin away. The second went on the right side, only, it did not spin. I gave it a little push, to start it, but nothing happened. I thought they both worked when I bought them, but this one pinwheel was not cooperating. <br />
I was annoyed, and I remember thinking..."nothing ever works the way it's supposed to."<br />
<div closure_uid_449y5c="110">Today as I stood at the cemetery watching one pinwheel spin as the other pinwheel stayed completely still, I thought about how they actually reminded me of me. I initially thought that it was just the way it is, I always buy things and then find a little flaw with them, something a little broken, a little ripped, a little imperfect, but today, those pinwheels were me...half broken, with the ability to do what I should, but for some reason it just doesn't happen.</div><div closure_uid_449y5c="110">Sometimes, when these kind of thoughts come to me, I wonder if Alexandra is sending me little messages. A broken pinwheel with the ability and desire to spin, but it needs a little push...or a lot of wind. Nothing comes easy, but the potential is there.</div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2319648175412671268.post-69407060058480367832011-07-21T13:02:00.000-07:002011-07-21T13:02:37.625-07:00What's changed and remains the same<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">A lot of things about me have changed since we lost Alexandra. Some things that I didn't even realize. Some things that changed or became triggers, I thought would pass, but so far, they haven't. I used to assume that the intense feelings would pass and I would get over certain issues, but that hasn't happened for a few things.<br />
Babies...I can't handle seeing or hearing about any children that would be Alexandra's age, it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible person, but I just can't. It's so hard to see what I'm missing out on. <br />
On top of that, new babies and pregnant women are triggers for me because I desperately WANT another child and it is just not happening for us, which is a different but also difficult issue to be dealing with.<br />
And death...I am constantly paranoid about death. I sometimes think about if I die, what will happen? I check Dayne every hour or two throughout the night, I listen to him breathing, make sure his face isn't covered by his blanket. I check on the dog and even the hamster, several times a day.<br />
<div closure_uid_830x4v="110">It was the hamster that made me realize what I was doing. It has become so ingrained in everything that I do. I hadn't even noticed the lack of sleep I'm inflicting on myself, until it hit me while checking on the hamster. As with every day, I went into Dayne's room, over to her cage and called "Pretty girl! Fuzzy Bugsy!" and waited for her to poke her little nose out of her wooden igloo. I was annoyed with the igloo when Steve first bought it, how could I check on her in that thing? But all the information on hamsters says they need something like it, so I had to work around it, by waking the poor little hamster up several times a day and going in to see her run on her wheel several times a night.</div><div closure_uid_830x4v="110">I had joked to Steve about what I've been doing, and insisted that the hamster likes it, she likes the attention, but that night, as I stood there watching her run on her wheel I realized that I am so terrified of this little rodent dying that I have to check on her and make sure she's ok.</div><div closure_uid_830x4v="110">And I wonder what will happen when she does pass away. What will happen when I go in and she doesn't poke her cute little nose out of her igloo? What will I do? </div><div closure_uid_830x4v="110">I don't know where this has come from and I'm still working on how to get over it, or beyond it, or around it...</div></div>Melissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05941243176631758871noreply@blogger.com1