If you have ever been cheated on, you may know how this feels. You told all your friends how great this person was, you never would have expected that they would cheat and when you found out, you felt betrayed. You probably felt really stupid for all those kind words you shared. Depending on how far along the relationship was would play largely into how deep these feelings ran.
For me, when I think of all the things I said about my daughter, all the dreams I talked about, the times I said she would take dance classes, she would wear mostly dresses, all the times I looked at other little girls and thought about if my daughter would look similar to that. Would she be born with dark hair and have it lighten up like her brother?
I actually stated, very matter of factly, that she would look like her daddy when she was born and within six months she would look like me. It's what happened with Dayne. I joked that an old friend of mine had said it was for paternity purposes that kids were born looking like their fathers and then began to look like their mothers. I knew it would be the same for my daughter.
I said a lot of things that I hoped for my daughter. I called about her RESP, because she needs an education fund, so that she will be successful. I applied for maternity leave. I posted her as my daughter on facebook, with her birth date. I registered for everything you could register for.
And now...now I feel stupid. I feel betrayed. My own body has betrayed me. My own body has taken all those words, all those hopes and dreams and robbed me of them. I am horrified when something comes in the mail, those things from Heinz or the nestle, the diaper samples and formula cans. It's not the items though, it's the slap in the face reminder that I had plans for my daughter. From the diapers to the food samples, these were the first steps of those plans. Those plans that have been stolen from me, when my daughter's life was stolen.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Treasure Beans
Not too long ago I was told about a site called Treasure Beans. A mother on a support board that I'm on said that a woman painted the names of babies that have passed away on pebbles. After she paints the pebbles, she takes pictures of them. You can buy the stone or a disc with the pictures or you can have her keep it safe for you, while the pictures of it are showcased on her site.
I went to the site, I looked at all the treasure beans and I cried. So many losses. It's really heartbreaking. But, at the same time, it's truly touching to see someone taking such heartache, such pain and turning it into something so beautiful. I looked at every single picture, at every single name and I hoped that they were all playing with my Alexandra.
I emailed the woman that owns the site. I told her about my story and asked her to please, make a treasure bean for my daughter. I received an email back from a woman named Casey, her story was so similar to mine and she was so understanding.
This morning when I checked my email I received a wonderful surprise. Casey had emailed me with the pictures she took of my daughter's stone. That one email made my day. There were three pictures and they were absolutely beautiful.
I called Steve as soon as I saw them and told him, I was so excited, I wanted to share them with everyone. I told him that now, everyone will see our daughters name. I struggle with the fact that she doesn't seem as real to everyone else as she was to us. People don't understand as deeply as we do that she was real, she was our daughter and she was REAL. These pictures and this stone, they make her so much more real to so many people.
I want to share this site with everyone. Anyone that has experienced a loss needs to know about this woman and how she is helping people to heal with her talents.
http://www.treasurebeans.com/
I went to the site, I looked at all the treasure beans and I cried. So many losses. It's really heartbreaking. But, at the same time, it's truly touching to see someone taking such heartache, such pain and turning it into something so beautiful. I looked at every single picture, at every single name and I hoped that they were all playing with my Alexandra.
I emailed the woman that owns the site. I told her about my story and asked her to please, make a treasure bean for my daughter. I received an email back from a woman named Casey, her story was so similar to mine and she was so understanding.
This morning when I checked my email I received a wonderful surprise. Casey had emailed me with the pictures she took of my daughter's stone. That one email made my day. There were three pictures and they were absolutely beautiful.
I called Steve as soon as I saw them and told him, I was so excited, I wanted to share them with everyone. I told him that now, everyone will see our daughters name. I struggle with the fact that she doesn't seem as real to everyone else as she was to us. People don't understand as deeply as we do that she was real, she was our daughter and she was REAL. These pictures and this stone, they make her so much more real to so many people.
I want to share this site with everyone. Anyone that has experienced a loss needs to know about this woman and how she is helping people to heal with her talents.
http://www.treasurebeans.com/
Monday, June 7, 2010
It Won't Go Away
My sister and I had plans to go to Body Worlds before we found out about Alexandra. I have seen the ads for it since and wondered if she still wants to go. I can't go. I thought it looked so neat, but now, the idea of seeing cadavers, nope, I can't do it. I'm having problems with the thought of anything to do with death. There are words that make me cringe because they are triggering my struggle with anything death related right now. The words themselves don't offend me, they don't hurt me, they just make something in my brain jump to thoughts of death that I can't handle at the moment.
We went grocery shopping yesterday. Whenever we go out to run errands, whenever I do anything, I think about how it would be if I had my daughter with me. Last night, when we were grocery shopping, I had to run to grab something we forgot. As I was walking back I thought about how I would be pushing a stroller or carrying my daughter had things turned out the way they were supposed to. These thoughts, I don't choose for them to jump into my head. They just pop up and they stop me dead in my tracks. And I just want to stop wherever I am and cry.
I always thought that I was a strong person, that pain is only temporary, that if you can just suck it up and tough it out, you will be fine. I planned to deliver my daughter with no drugs. My mindset was that the pain would pass but that experience would stay with me forever. One of my old favorite quotes "The pain passes but the beauty remains" (Pierre Auguste Renoir)
This pain won't pass though. No amount of grinning and bearing it will make the pain go away. And I wonder, is this how my life is going to be from now on? Just barely making it through the days with this excruciating heartache? Will I ever be fully present again? Is my entire life and any amount of happiness that I might experience going to be consumed by this pain? If I could just have my daughter back...Why can't I just have my daughter?
We went grocery shopping yesterday. Whenever we go out to run errands, whenever I do anything, I think about how it would be if I had my daughter with me. Last night, when we were grocery shopping, I had to run to grab something we forgot. As I was walking back I thought about how I would be pushing a stroller or carrying my daughter had things turned out the way they were supposed to. These thoughts, I don't choose for them to jump into my head. They just pop up and they stop me dead in my tracks. And I just want to stop wherever I am and cry.
I always thought that I was a strong person, that pain is only temporary, that if you can just suck it up and tough it out, you will be fine. I planned to deliver my daughter with no drugs. My mindset was that the pain would pass but that experience would stay with me forever. One of my old favorite quotes "The pain passes but the beauty remains" (Pierre Auguste Renoir)
This pain won't pass though. No amount of grinning and bearing it will make the pain go away. And I wonder, is this how my life is going to be from now on? Just barely making it through the days with this excruciating heartache? Will I ever be fully present again? Is my entire life and any amount of happiness that I might experience going to be consumed by this pain? If I could just have my daughter back...Why can't I just have my daughter?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
What do YOU want to do?
I've noticed something. I am never sure what to do. What do I say? What do I do? How can I go about something without offending, without hurting someone else? What should I say? How should I act?
I worried about what to say to the therapist and everyone told me not to worry, to say whatever came to me. But what was the RIGHT thing to say? Was there something I was SUPPOSED to be saying?
I wonder how often I SHOULD go to the cemetery. We go once a week now. It's just how it's worked out with Steve's work and our other commitments. I feel badly saying that, like my daughter isn't a commitment...she is. And I feel like, by putting something ahead of her, we are acting like she can wait, she's not as important...and she is.
I wonder who I should talk to, when I should talk to them, what I should say. I keep worrying about what other people are thinking, how they are feeling, if something I do will upset THEM.
For every time someone has told me to do what makes ME feel better I have thought that I am so lost, I don't know what will make me feel better. I already have so much hurt and so much guilt, I don't want to realize some time down the road that I should have been doing something else and by not doing that something else, I was somehow shrugging off my responsibility to my daughter.
I hope that she knows, no matter what mistakes I make in talking to people about her, or visiting with her too much or not enough, I hope she knows that I'm trying. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have and that I miss her and I love her. No matter what, the very core of everything that I do is because I love her and I miss her, those are the only two things I feel 100% sure on.
I worried about what to say to the therapist and everyone told me not to worry, to say whatever came to me. But what was the RIGHT thing to say? Was there something I was SUPPOSED to be saying?
I wonder how often I SHOULD go to the cemetery. We go once a week now. It's just how it's worked out with Steve's work and our other commitments. I feel badly saying that, like my daughter isn't a commitment...she is. And I feel like, by putting something ahead of her, we are acting like she can wait, she's not as important...and she is.
I wonder who I should talk to, when I should talk to them, what I should say. I keep worrying about what other people are thinking, how they are feeling, if something I do will upset THEM.
For every time someone has told me to do what makes ME feel better I have thought that I am so lost, I don't know what will make me feel better. I already have so much hurt and so much guilt, I don't want to realize some time down the road that I should have been doing something else and by not doing that something else, I was somehow shrugging off my responsibility to my daughter.
I hope that she knows, no matter what mistakes I make in talking to people about her, or visiting with her too much or not enough, I hope she knows that I'm trying. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have and that I miss her and I love her. No matter what, the very core of everything that I do is because I love her and I miss her, those are the only two things I feel 100% sure on.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Therapy
Last year I injured my shoulder. The doctor told me I had a torn rotator cuff. I went for cold laser therapy to help heal it. The day after I had it done, my shoulder felt extra sore. Like the muscles and tissue were all raw, it was quite painful. For the record, the following day it felt MUCH better.
Today, I went for my first therapy appointment. I feel like my shoulder felt the first day after cold laser therapy, only, rather than physical pain, it's emotional. My emotions are raw, I am hyper sensitive, I don't really want to talk to people.
The therapy itself was an interesting experience. I tried to stay a little more guarded than I normally would be because I didn't want to cry. Before I went I listened to happy music, I played with Dayne, I tried to prepare myself, to bring my mood up so that it would be more difficult for me to start crying. My plan did not work, I really need to stop making these plans, they never seem to pan out for me.
She began by asking me about what happened. I spared her all the details, I ran through what happened quickly. I shared why we went to the hospital, how we found out, that we went home that day and came back the next, that the cord was around her neck and had a knot in it. I didn't cry. When I was finished she said nothing. She looked at me and said nothing. I think she was waiting for more details, I didn't want to share, I didn't want to cry.
Eventually I did cry. I cried talking about the walk home from Dayne's pre school. How I had taken that walk the Thursday before Alexandra passed away. How I refuse to do it now, I won't take that walk again. When I explained to her why I wouldn't take that walk, I did ok, when I commented at the end that NOW I would be taking that walk with her in a stroller, had she not passed away, I had to stop. I had to cry.
When I talked about my dog I cried. I told her about how he got sick at Christmas time and on New Years Day we rushed him to the emergency vet. I told her that I was terrified that he wouldn't live to meet Alexandra, before that moment, before I told that story out loud, I didn't realize, and the realization crashed down on me. I was worried about the dog because he's old, I was afraid that HE wouldn't make it until Alexandra was born, I never thought that SHE wouldn't make it. And then it dawned on me, I wanted him to meet her, I wanted my dog to tiptoe around Alexandra like he had done around Dayne, I wanted him to play with her and experience her and he won't.
It's hard. Today is hard. Every day is hard, but when you actually have to face the worst feelings, even for a minute, it's so incredibly hard and it hurts so, so much.
I know I have more thoughts to share about the therapy, about my day today, but at this moment, I simply can't.
Today, I went for my first therapy appointment. I feel like my shoulder felt the first day after cold laser therapy, only, rather than physical pain, it's emotional. My emotions are raw, I am hyper sensitive, I don't really want to talk to people.
The therapy itself was an interesting experience. I tried to stay a little more guarded than I normally would be because I didn't want to cry. Before I went I listened to happy music, I played with Dayne, I tried to prepare myself, to bring my mood up so that it would be more difficult for me to start crying. My plan did not work, I really need to stop making these plans, they never seem to pan out for me.
She began by asking me about what happened. I spared her all the details, I ran through what happened quickly. I shared why we went to the hospital, how we found out, that we went home that day and came back the next, that the cord was around her neck and had a knot in it. I didn't cry. When I was finished she said nothing. She looked at me and said nothing. I think she was waiting for more details, I didn't want to share, I didn't want to cry.
Eventually I did cry. I cried talking about the walk home from Dayne's pre school. How I had taken that walk the Thursday before Alexandra passed away. How I refuse to do it now, I won't take that walk again. When I explained to her why I wouldn't take that walk, I did ok, when I commented at the end that NOW I would be taking that walk with her in a stroller, had she not passed away, I had to stop. I had to cry.
When I talked about my dog I cried. I told her about how he got sick at Christmas time and on New Years Day we rushed him to the emergency vet. I told her that I was terrified that he wouldn't live to meet Alexandra, before that moment, before I told that story out loud, I didn't realize, and the realization crashed down on me. I was worried about the dog because he's old, I was afraid that HE wouldn't make it until Alexandra was born, I never thought that SHE wouldn't make it. And then it dawned on me, I wanted him to meet her, I wanted my dog to tiptoe around Alexandra like he had done around Dayne, I wanted him to play with her and experience her and he won't.
It's hard. Today is hard. Every day is hard, but when you actually have to face the worst feelings, even for a minute, it's so incredibly hard and it hurts so, so much.
I know I have more thoughts to share about the therapy, about my day today, but at this moment, I simply can't.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Working Out
Today I did my first work out since...well, since before I found out I was pregnant. I used to work out every single day. I loved it, it made me feel good about myself and it made me happy. The April or May before I found out I was pregnant I got a job that took up a lot more of my time, the job itself was a work out, so I dropped the ball (literally, because a big part of my work out was the ball work out) Just before I found out I was pregnant, I had started walking. Not short walks, I would drop Dayne off at school and walk to work. It was a long walk, and I made sure to go fast to get my heart going. It was a nice start to my days.
Shortly after my morning sickness started, I was too sick to do that walk. It was not too long after that time that I stopped working. I didn't work out again after that. I did some stretching on the ball at first, but eventually stopped all together.
Recently I have felt that maybe if I start working out again it will help me. It will help me to lose the baby weight I gained and that will help me to fit into my old clothes, which will make me feel better about myself. I'm also running on the idea that exercise released endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Maybe working out will help me to gain a little bit of happiness. I certainly couldn't hurt.
I also feel like...working out is a better escape than any of the other things I could do...like getting drunk or sleeping all day.
So, today I decided to start. I started with an "easy" ball workout. One that I normally did as a warm up before I did Turbo Jam. It's only 25 minutes long and I used to breeze right through it. Today however, it was a little more difficult than it used to be. I made it through the whole thing, without having to stop, so I guess I'm not that out of shape, but I didn't finish it without a thought like a year ago.
I'm going to keep going though, eventually I will be back to the same spot I was last year and maybe it will help me. At least it's a great way to spend time with Dayne, he loves to workout, and he's pretty good at the ball workout. If nothing else, it is a way to spend precious time with him.
Shortly after my morning sickness started, I was too sick to do that walk. It was not too long after that time that I stopped working. I didn't work out again after that. I did some stretching on the ball at first, but eventually stopped all together.
Recently I have felt that maybe if I start working out again it will help me. It will help me to lose the baby weight I gained and that will help me to fit into my old clothes, which will make me feel better about myself. I'm also running on the idea that exercise released endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Maybe working out will help me to gain a little bit of happiness. I certainly couldn't hurt.
I also feel like...working out is a better escape than any of the other things I could do...like getting drunk or sleeping all day.
So, today I decided to start. I started with an "easy" ball workout. One that I normally did as a warm up before I did Turbo Jam. It's only 25 minutes long and I used to breeze right through it. Today however, it was a little more difficult than it used to be. I made it through the whole thing, without having to stop, so I guess I'm not that out of shape, but I didn't finish it without a thought like a year ago.
I'm going to keep going though, eventually I will be back to the same spot I was last year and maybe it will help me. At least it's a great way to spend time with Dayne, he loves to workout, and he's pretty good at the ball workout. If nothing else, it is a way to spend precious time with him.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June 1st, 2010
Today is not a very good day for me. I don't know why. I didn't sleep well last night, I was upset by some people that were less than empathetic and it really impacted my sleep. I woke up early and wrote out some of the thank you cards I have to get done, I got Dayne ready for school, I visited with him before he left.
While he was gone, I tried to relax, but felt like something was just not right...I feel...I don't know really, maybe like there is a cloud hovering over me.
I went for lunch with my mom and step dad and found myself easily upset by children. All children, not just newborn baby girls, but baby boys and little girls that were older. While I was at the bank I saw a little girl running by, with cute little jeans and these adorable white shoes. It was something I would have picked for my daughter to wear at that age...Except, I will never have that opportunity. I don't know why it hurt so much, usually I can block it out, but not so much today.
When I got home I put on some jogging pants and turned up the heat and crawled into bed. I turned on a computer game for Dayne and we sat here together. He has soccer tonight and I don't want to go. I commented to Steve about it. I said that he should take Dayne and I should stay home. He chuckled like it was a joke. I guess I don't get that time that people talk about. I don't get to choose to stay home if I want to.
I told Steve that I'm feeling especially sad today and he told me to calm down...How does that really make me feel better? I know he doesn't know what to say to me, and I don't fault him for trying an answer like that. I don't really know what I want from him, I don't know if I will ever feel that he understands how I am feeling enough because he is feeling his grief differently than I am. I sometimes wonder what it's like in his head. Does he think about this stuff as much as me? Does his pain feel the same?
I hate this day and I can't wait to go to bed. But in the mean time, I don't get to just sit here, I have to carry on, even when I really, really don't want to.
While he was gone, I tried to relax, but felt like something was just not right...I feel...I don't know really, maybe like there is a cloud hovering over me.
I went for lunch with my mom and step dad and found myself easily upset by children. All children, not just newborn baby girls, but baby boys and little girls that were older. While I was at the bank I saw a little girl running by, with cute little jeans and these adorable white shoes. It was something I would have picked for my daughter to wear at that age...Except, I will never have that opportunity. I don't know why it hurt so much, usually I can block it out, but not so much today.
When I got home I put on some jogging pants and turned up the heat and crawled into bed. I turned on a computer game for Dayne and we sat here together. He has soccer tonight and I don't want to go. I commented to Steve about it. I said that he should take Dayne and I should stay home. He chuckled like it was a joke. I guess I don't get that time that people talk about. I don't get to choose to stay home if I want to.
I told Steve that I'm feeling especially sad today and he told me to calm down...How does that really make me feel better? I know he doesn't know what to say to me, and I don't fault him for trying an answer like that. I don't really know what I want from him, I don't know if I will ever feel that he understands how I am feeling enough because he is feeling his grief differently than I am. I sometimes wonder what it's like in his head. Does he think about this stuff as much as me? Does his pain feel the same?
I hate this day and I can't wait to go to bed. But in the mean time, I don't get to just sit here, I have to carry on, even when I really, really don't want to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
