We have made the decision about our September long weekend.
Last September long weekend we were in Banff. It is the place we go whenever we have time. I love it there. I could tell that something was going on, but I didn't really realize. I DID think that Steve would propose to me that day, but I thought that it would be over dinner, and it wouldn't be romantic. He had everything all planned and set up before we got there...I had no idea.
After he had distracted me in the Cascade Ballroom, he left. A few minutes later, the concierge that had been used to distract me, directed to me the stairs outside the ballroom. As I walked a few steps down I saw rose pedals. I thought that they were from a wedding that had just finished in the ballroom, but when I kept going I discovered that I was wrong. The rose pedals went to the bottom of the stairs and at the bottom, made out of more rose pedals, there was a heart, in the middle of the heart, was Steve, down on one knee.
My reaction was pure shock. And as I reached the bottom of the stairs, with tears in my eyes, Steve started to talk. He had a little speech planned, and I must admit that my shock and surprise kept me from remembering his words that day. I only remember him asking me to marry him. And as a small group of tourists clapped and cheered, I said yes.
He chose the most perfect ring for me, just my style. I was ecstatic. We went out for dinner to celebrate. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
On that day, I thought about our future. Our wedding, our future children, our life together. It was everything I had ever imagined and everything I had ever dreamed of and I was truly, truly happy.
I never would have guessed, not in a million years, that on the one year anniversary of our engagement, we would be having a memorial for our daughter.
The decision that we made for this September long weekend, the opposite of that magical long weekend of last year...Our daughter's memorial. Allowing our family and friends to celebrate the life of a little girl that they never got to meet. To say goodbye to a little girl that they never got to watch grow or see smile...A little girl that most of them never got to see.
If someone had told me last September long weekend that this is where I would be in one year, I would have told them that they were a liar.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
If I could wish on a star...
I see things like this a lot. If you could have anything, do anything, wish for anything...My wish used to be unlimited money, so I could rescue all the cute little animals that needed love, so I could donate unlimited amounts of money to any charity that happened to knock on my door...or my heart. Unlimited money so I could pay for everything Dayne wished for, anything Steve wished for, anything anyone I cared about wished for.
What a stupid wish.
When I hear these conversations now, I avoid them. I dodge the question, change the subject, leave the area, pretend I didn't hear. Dayne's wish was the greatest wish. How a 4 year old can voice the most thoughtful and heart felt wish ever is beyond me. His wish is to have super powers, so he can fly up to Heaven and visit with his sister.
My wish is close...but I'm more selfish than Dayne. It's why I avoid the topic. Why should I bring anyone else down with my wish? I remember when I was pregnant with Alexandra, I started a conversation on a parenting site. It was about what everyone's biggest concern was with their pregnancy. There was a few sad answers, for a successful pregnancy after a loss, for a husband to not be away in Iraq when the baby was born, to carry this baby to term. My intention was for a lighthearted conversation and it didn't really work that way. I felt bad...stupid...like, how could I be so flippant about this kind of thing? Ugh, I felt like such a jerk.
I also felt like, maybe some people wanted me to feel like a jerk...for being so self centered. It's a risk I don't want to take, having people think I am a downer, or I am trying to ruin their fun, or make them feel like they are so below me that they would think of such selfish things.
Everyone everywhere aside, I would wish for my daughter to be here with me. I would wish that not only was my daughter here with me, but that she was born living, and would die of old age, long after I am gone. I would wish for her life, not because I'm more aware than everyone else, just because I miss her and I want her here with me, I want to watch her grow up and I want to argue with her about her boyfriend when she's a teenager. I want my daughter back.
That's my wish...for Alexandra.
What a stupid wish.
When I hear these conversations now, I avoid them. I dodge the question, change the subject, leave the area, pretend I didn't hear. Dayne's wish was the greatest wish. How a 4 year old can voice the most thoughtful and heart felt wish ever is beyond me. His wish is to have super powers, so he can fly up to Heaven and visit with his sister.
My wish is close...but I'm more selfish than Dayne. It's why I avoid the topic. Why should I bring anyone else down with my wish? I remember when I was pregnant with Alexandra, I started a conversation on a parenting site. It was about what everyone's biggest concern was with their pregnancy. There was a few sad answers, for a successful pregnancy after a loss, for a husband to not be away in Iraq when the baby was born, to carry this baby to term. My intention was for a lighthearted conversation and it didn't really work that way. I felt bad...stupid...like, how could I be so flippant about this kind of thing? Ugh, I felt like such a jerk.
I also felt like, maybe some people wanted me to feel like a jerk...for being so self centered. It's a risk I don't want to take, having people think I am a downer, or I am trying to ruin their fun, or make them feel like they are so below me that they would think of such selfish things.
Everyone everywhere aside, I would wish for my daughter to be here with me. I would wish that not only was my daughter here with me, but that she was born living, and would die of old age, long after I am gone. I would wish for her life, not because I'm more aware than everyone else, just because I miss her and I want her here with me, I want to watch her grow up and I want to argue with her about her boyfriend when she's a teenager. I want my daughter back.
That's my wish...for Alexandra.
Friday, August 6, 2010
My Birthday
Today is my birthday. I'm 29 years old. It was supposed to be to be the first birthday that we celebrated as a family of four. I can't help but feel extra sad today. I miss my little girl, I want her here with me.
The Empty Place
Since you’ve been gone
there is a place
inside of us
that is shaped like you
so empty now
that place which is filled
with so much love
for you.
––Juliana Bibas
The Empty Place
Since you’ve been gone
there is a place
inside of us
that is shaped like you
so empty now
that place which is filled
with so much love
for you.
––Juliana Bibas
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Things that Remind me and things I Remember
There are things that I run into that remind me of Alexandra or something to do with my pregnancy. Usually, they smack me in the face when I least expect it.
When we were in the hospital, waiting for Alexandra to be born, it was shortly after lunch and the nurse came in. She smelled strongly of spearmint gum. Not just any gum but the kind that is supposed to help clean your teeth. I told Steve at that time, that I just HAD to have some gum. And off her went, to the gift shop downstairs, to buy me some spearmint gum.
I've bought plenty of spearmint gum since I had Alexandra. I am an avid gum chewer, I always have gum in my mouth, hiding under my tongue usually. The other day though, I happened to grab the same kind of gum I had in the hospital. When I opened the package the smell filled my nostrils. The memory slapped me the face. It was too sudden, I couldn't possibly have been prepared. I choked back the tears, turned away from Steve, composed myself quickly. Tried to smell that smell again, to replace the memory with being home with Steve and Dayne. No dice.
A few days ago I as on my way to therapy. I was taking the bus, reading a book. I thought it would be nice to have the time to myself. The bus began to pass a strip mall. I saw one of the stores and thought about getting the swine flu vaccine...we had gone to that mall. My mind scanned it's memories...there was something more. As it popped in, punched me in the gut. I immediately regretted having put my book away to look out the window. Why Melissa, why couldn't you have just kept reading?? The memory was vivid. There was an office behind this mall. In the office there is a place where you go to get ultrasounds done. This was the place I had been twice before. The last time I was there was the day we found out Alexandra was a girl. the ultra sound technician had chatted with me the entire time, I had told her that I was sure the baby was boy. I had a boy and was sure I was having another boy. She was going away for Christmas and she was excited.
Once all the boring stuff was done, Steve was invited into the room. I smiled at him, excited, he thought I knew what the baby was. When she said girl, she explained that the baby had made it VERY obvious that she was a girl, there was no question. I was shocked.
My mom and stepdad had been in the waiting room with Dayne. When I came out, I couldn't contain my excitement, I tried to trick them, but they guessed right away. We went for lunch at Harvey's after my appointment. On the drive over there I told Dayne he was getting a little sister. He said "Um, well, I actually don't like little sisters..." And Steve and I laughed. I said "You will buddy, you'll love your little sister more than anything!"
I had a chicken burger, it was supposed to be more healthy but it didn't taste very good...gross actually. Dayne got a little coloring book and felt pens as his toy. We tried the poutine, it was really good. We chatted about baby girl things and my baby shower. I thought about how it would be to have a daughter. I couldn't make the smile leave my face. A little girl and a little boy. Our little family.
The memory flashed through my mind so quickly, from the time I first saw the mall it took seconds for my eyes to move to the Harvey's restaurant as that day played out in my head. And the tears began to tickle at my bottom eyelashes. I blinked quickly, looked down. "Don't cry Melissa, don't cry" I kept telling myself. The thought of having a breakdown on the bus, in front of all these people, they'd think I was crazy.
I kept the tears at bay, and I made it to my appointment. On the way home I stared at my lap until I was sure there was no way I would look up and see anything traumatic.
When we were in the hospital, waiting for Alexandra to be born, it was shortly after lunch and the nurse came in. She smelled strongly of spearmint gum. Not just any gum but the kind that is supposed to help clean your teeth. I told Steve at that time, that I just HAD to have some gum. And off her went, to the gift shop downstairs, to buy me some spearmint gum.
I've bought plenty of spearmint gum since I had Alexandra. I am an avid gum chewer, I always have gum in my mouth, hiding under my tongue usually. The other day though, I happened to grab the same kind of gum I had in the hospital. When I opened the package the smell filled my nostrils. The memory slapped me the face. It was too sudden, I couldn't possibly have been prepared. I choked back the tears, turned away from Steve, composed myself quickly. Tried to smell that smell again, to replace the memory with being home with Steve and Dayne. No dice.
A few days ago I as on my way to therapy. I was taking the bus, reading a book. I thought it would be nice to have the time to myself. The bus began to pass a strip mall. I saw one of the stores and thought about getting the swine flu vaccine...we had gone to that mall. My mind scanned it's memories...there was something more. As it popped in, punched me in the gut. I immediately regretted having put my book away to look out the window. Why Melissa, why couldn't you have just kept reading?? The memory was vivid. There was an office behind this mall. In the office there is a place where you go to get ultrasounds done. This was the place I had been twice before. The last time I was there was the day we found out Alexandra was a girl. the ultra sound technician had chatted with me the entire time, I had told her that I was sure the baby was boy. I had a boy and was sure I was having another boy. She was going away for Christmas and she was excited.
Once all the boring stuff was done, Steve was invited into the room. I smiled at him, excited, he thought I knew what the baby was. When she said girl, she explained that the baby had made it VERY obvious that she was a girl, there was no question. I was shocked.
My mom and stepdad had been in the waiting room with Dayne. When I came out, I couldn't contain my excitement, I tried to trick them, but they guessed right away. We went for lunch at Harvey's after my appointment. On the drive over there I told Dayne he was getting a little sister. He said "Um, well, I actually don't like little sisters..." And Steve and I laughed. I said "You will buddy, you'll love your little sister more than anything!"
I had a chicken burger, it was supposed to be more healthy but it didn't taste very good...gross actually. Dayne got a little coloring book and felt pens as his toy. We tried the poutine, it was really good. We chatted about baby girl things and my baby shower. I thought about how it would be to have a daughter. I couldn't make the smile leave my face. A little girl and a little boy. Our little family.
The memory flashed through my mind so quickly, from the time I first saw the mall it took seconds for my eyes to move to the Harvey's restaurant as that day played out in my head. And the tears began to tickle at my bottom eyelashes. I blinked quickly, looked down. "Don't cry Melissa, don't cry" I kept telling myself. The thought of having a breakdown on the bus, in front of all these people, they'd think I was crazy.
I kept the tears at bay, and I made it to my appointment. On the way home I stared at my lap until I was sure there was no way I would look up and see anything traumatic.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Mind VS Heart - The Battle
I feel like my mind and my heart are in a death battle. My mind sees so many ways to help people. My mind tells me to "get up!" and "Do something!" My mind wanders and seeks answers. My mind tells me to let go of the negativity, to not hold onto the bitterness, to become more aware of the world around me. My mind works FOR me. It is more clear now than I think it has ever been.
My heart has been defeated by my life. My heart is tired and doesn't want to fight. My heart isn't ready to let go of the sadness. My heart wants to be wrapped up and left alone. My heart doesn't want to help anyone just yet. My heart isn't ready.
My mind tells my heart to let go of the sadness. To wrap up Alexandra's memory in love and to share it with the world in every way it can possibly imagine. My heart rejects the idea and tells my mind that it's too tired and too hurt. It's too defeated to do the work.
My mind and my heart battle. I have days on top of days where my mind is winning. My mind is clear, my thoughts are of the good things that Alexandra can do, the gift that she is, even when she's not in my arms. And then, out of nowhere, my heart takes over. It's subtle. The clarity slowly becomes foggy, the calm in my heart and in my mind slowly turns to depression. It's at that time that the battle is really going. My mind pokes at me "Why are you feeling like this?" "What is wrong with you?" "I thought we were doing better?" "Don't you realize that there are things that have to get done?" "Don't you see that dwelling here, in the sadness, does not help Alexandra's memory?"
And at those moments, my heart chimes in "I'm too tired" "It's too hard" "I'm not ready" "I just can't"
And the battle continues.
I feel as though *I* am not a part of this battle. I am an innocent bystander. A victim of things out of my hands. "No, I can't go out today, the battle within me is raging on and my heart is winning at the moment. It says I'm not ready and should sit at home and cry instead. Thank you so much for the offer though."
I can only imagine that one day, either my heart or my head will win and something will drastically change. Though, I hope they come to some sort of agreement and allow me to have both functioning properly at some point.
My heart has been defeated by my life. My heart is tired and doesn't want to fight. My heart isn't ready to let go of the sadness. My heart wants to be wrapped up and left alone. My heart doesn't want to help anyone just yet. My heart isn't ready.
My mind tells my heart to let go of the sadness. To wrap up Alexandra's memory in love and to share it with the world in every way it can possibly imagine. My heart rejects the idea and tells my mind that it's too tired and too hurt. It's too defeated to do the work.
My mind and my heart battle. I have days on top of days where my mind is winning. My mind is clear, my thoughts are of the good things that Alexandra can do, the gift that she is, even when she's not in my arms. And then, out of nowhere, my heart takes over. It's subtle. The clarity slowly becomes foggy, the calm in my heart and in my mind slowly turns to depression. It's at that time that the battle is really going. My mind pokes at me "Why are you feeling like this?" "What is wrong with you?" "I thought we were doing better?" "Don't you realize that there are things that have to get done?" "Don't you see that dwelling here, in the sadness, does not help Alexandra's memory?"
And at those moments, my heart chimes in "I'm too tired" "It's too hard" "I'm not ready" "I just can't"
And the battle continues.
I feel as though *I* am not a part of this battle. I am an innocent bystander. A victim of things out of my hands. "No, I can't go out today, the battle within me is raging on and my heart is winning at the moment. It says I'm not ready and should sit at home and cry instead. Thank you so much for the offer though."
I can only imagine that one day, either my heart or my head will win and something will drastically change. Though, I hope they come to some sort of agreement and allow me to have both functioning properly at some point.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sight
Alexandra gave me the gift of sight.
Well, of course, I could SEE before I had her, I am not blind, nor was I...in the literal sense. However, I WAS incredibly self centered. You know, people always see that as a bad thing, if someone says you're self centered, there is clearly something wrong with you. I disagree. Humans, I think, are self centered by nature.
We walk around, in our own little world. When you are out grocery shopping, do you notice everyone around you? I didn't. I was always thinking of what I needed to get, how much of a hurry I was in, what I had to do when I got home, what my plans were for next week, and on and on the list goes.
Taking away my daughter made me notice other people's daughters. I was sad about this, I couldn't help but notice little girls in little outfits that I would have picked out for my daughter. Little baby girls with brown hair and blue eyes, just as I pictured my daughter.
I tried to avoid noticing the little girls, when I did this, I started to notice other things. So many sad souls, so many forgotten people. I never noticed how many people live out of shopping carts in my city. I always thought this was rare, something pretty much exclusive to the bad areas downtown. This is not so.
I now notice disabled people and how many people overlook them, or speak in a cold way to them, make fun of them, treat them poorly.
I now notice people from other countries, struggling so much to adapt to this new country, struggling to learn the language, to be understood.
I now notice other people's tone, the look on their faces, their mannerisms.
Somehow I know this was all around me before, and yet, I never noticed it. It's like my mind had put up blinders to the world. How could I miss so much sadness and so many small wonders all at once?
Well, of course, I could SEE before I had her, I am not blind, nor was I...in the literal sense. However, I WAS incredibly self centered. You know, people always see that as a bad thing, if someone says you're self centered, there is clearly something wrong with you. I disagree. Humans, I think, are self centered by nature.
We walk around, in our own little world. When you are out grocery shopping, do you notice everyone around you? I didn't. I was always thinking of what I needed to get, how much of a hurry I was in, what I had to do when I got home, what my plans were for next week, and on and on the list goes.
Taking away my daughter made me notice other people's daughters. I was sad about this, I couldn't help but notice little girls in little outfits that I would have picked out for my daughter. Little baby girls with brown hair and blue eyes, just as I pictured my daughter.
I tried to avoid noticing the little girls, when I did this, I started to notice other things. So many sad souls, so many forgotten people. I never noticed how many people live out of shopping carts in my city. I always thought this was rare, something pretty much exclusive to the bad areas downtown. This is not so.
I now notice disabled people and how many people overlook them, or speak in a cold way to them, make fun of them, treat them poorly.
I now notice people from other countries, struggling so much to adapt to this new country, struggling to learn the language, to be understood.
I now notice other people's tone, the look on their faces, their mannerisms.
Somehow I know this was all around me before, and yet, I never noticed it. It's like my mind had put up blinders to the world. How could I miss so much sadness and so many small wonders all at once?
Monday, August 2, 2010
A New Poem
The other day I was on a loss board when I found this poem. The woman that wrote it lost her son Blayze on January 25, 2010. I asked her if I could share her poem here and she said that would be fine, so here it is...I think you will all really like it, it's a beautiful, heart touching poem.
Mama you look sad today
I wish it weren’t so
I know it’s because you love me
But had to let me go
I’ve made a lot of friends
They’re angel babies too
We laugh and sing and play
The fun is never through
One day will come
And my name they’ll say
“It’s your turn, the time is here
Your mama comes today”
Please do not rush to me
That day will come due
Until then I’ll play and sing
And learn all about you
My grandmas tell me stories
My grandpas sing to me too
They talk of you and my daddy
And the things you used to do
I know it sounds so busy
But time is different here
In your heart and on your mind
I am always near.
Katie Finn
Mama you look sad today
I wish it weren’t so
I know it’s because you love me
But had to let me go
I’ve made a lot of friends
They’re angel babies too
We laugh and sing and play
The fun is never through
One day will come
And my name they’ll say
“It’s your turn, the time is here
Your mama comes today”
Please do not rush to me
That day will come due
Until then I’ll play and sing
And learn all about you
My grandmas tell me stories
My grandpas sing to me too
They talk of you and my daddy
And the things you used to do
I know it sounds so busy
But time is different here
In your heart and on your mind
I am always near.
Katie Finn
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