My 100th Post

It's been such a short time, I can't believe that I have made 100 posts on this blog already. It has been therapeutic, to say the least. I have felt love and support from so many of you. I have noticed that a lot of other angel mommies do little giveaways on their blogs. In honor of my 100th post, I decided to steal the idea ;-)
I will leave this "open" for one week, at that time, I will take the names of everyone that comments and put them in Dayne's Chuck E Cheese hat (he asked to help.) The name I draw will win a special gift from Alexandra.
If the winner is an angel mommy, she will get to choose one of two personalized necklaces from Kristi at Bugaboo Jewelry.
If the winner is not an angel mommy she will receive a piece of jewelry from fjj_creations, a store that makes awareness jewelry. The piece will be for pregnancy and infant loss awareness.

For the angel mommies, from http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry here are your choices:

For the women that aren't angel mommies, from http://stores.ebay.ca/fjjcreations, here are your choices:

Good luck to everyone, I hope that whoever wins, loves their extra special gift from Alexandra!

An Angel For A Sister

Dayne is starting school this year and it has been brought to my attention that I should make sure Dayne knows not to talk about Alexandra to the other kids. You know, it could traumatize them...Imagine what their parents will think! Do you REALLY want to force a parent to have to explain that to their child?
While I can certainly sympathize with how difficult it may be to talk to your child about death...I'm sure that most of you know where my mind is going there. My son had to learn in a very different way. My son had to learn from experience.
I don't like to make people uncomfortable, I really don't. I would hate for a child to be upset by my son talking about his baby sister that lives in heaven. At the same time, my main concern is for my son, and after all he's been through, I am not going to tell him he can't talk about what happened.
Why can't my son be proud of his sister? Why can't my son talk about her? He has just gone through the worst experience of his life, how is bottling it up going to help him? And how will he feel if he is told that his sister is not to be spoken of? Like she's a dirty little secret. We dare not talk about the baby lost in front of those delicate ears of others that have not experienced such a loss. Why can my son not be the voice that educates others about how it feels to lose a sister? If that's what he wants to do, why can't he? What is it hurting, really? Why should Dayne have to hold his tongue?
While I understand the way it must feel to be put in an uncomfortable situation, where you don't know how to respond to a 4 year old that tells you his baby sister is an Angel that watches over him, or how his baby sister was buried in the cemetery with a park, or that his baby sister lives in Heaven, PLEASE understand how HE must feel. How uncomfortable it must be for a 4 year old to find out that his baby sister, who he was excited to meet, whose only wish was to teach his little sister how to play superheroes and how to say meow, will not be coming home. Imagine how he must feel to have to visit his sister in the cemetery, to never get to laugh with her or play hide and seek with her. To never get to tease her or protect her from the mean boys.
PLEASE, imagine how my son feels before you criticize me and remind me to tell him not to be proud of his baby sister, who peeks on him from heaven.

I Need Help...

I have been searching for the infant loss bracelets. You know those pink and blue rubber ones? I have not been able to find them in Canada, and certainly not in my city.
I would love to give them to people at Alexandra's memorial, but need for them to be very minimally priced and available either in my city or they need to be able to ship to my city for a reasonable price.
I have found two places that ship internationally, from the US, but one is not shipping for the month of August and one cannot meet a reasonable shipping price, sadly.
I'm asking my readers to please, please help me find these bracelets in Canada. I need them before September 3rd, so if they are being shipped, time is of the essence!
Thank you all!

The Dream

I read a lot of loss blogs and I read a lot about moms having dreams about their babies lost. I was always a little jealous, I thought that if I just had a dream and Alexandra was OK, I would somehow feel just a little bit better.
Last night, I had that dream. That dream that I have been waiting for. I sat in a room with my daughter in my arms. Her head at my knees, as I was bent over cooing to her, talking to her. She looked just like I remember, only her eyes were open, and she was full of life. In my dream, there was no shock, it was as if she was never gone, she had always been here with me.
She lifted her head, just a little bit and snuggled it up to my face. That's when I woke up. It was such a short dream. And, though her eyes were open, I don't remember what they looked like. And thought she was full of life and the dream was completely calm and happy, when I woke, I was swept over by sadness.
I thought the dream would make me feel better, instead, it reminded me, even more, of what I have lost; of what I am missing out on. That stings terribly.
And I'm torn. I want to dream of my angel again, to see her living, and happy, and cuddling up to her mama, the way it SHOULD be, but the sadness it brings, is almost unbearable.

The Impact Of Grief

I know that I have talked about the timeline other people have on my grief. I hate it. I have noticed though, that people don't just put time lines on other people's grief. They also hold judgments about how people should grieve. I've seen this so much, for so many people. When I hear people passing judgement on how someone is dealing with a horrible situation, how they are grieving, or how they are memorializing a loved one, I can't help but wonder where they got the idea that it was OK to judge?
I don't think I will ever understand the mindset that comes with deciding how some other person should cope with a loss. I mean really, who do people think they are?
I believe that grief is the most complicated set of emotions that a person can go through. You have sadness and anger, you feel defeated and tired. You are on a roller coaster daily...And if that wasn't bad enough, you get to have random strangers telling you how you should grieve, how you shouldn't grieve, what you're allowed to say and do and what you aren't allowed to say and do. And for what? To make themselves feel better?
When are we, as human beings, going to get over our own hang-ups and just be supportive of other people when they are dealing with a loss?

Sundays

Sundays have almost always been our family day. When Steve isn't working we take day trips, we go to the zoo, the science center, fun, family things. When Steve is working, Dayne and I hang out, we watch cartoons, we cuddle, we play quiet games, just the two of us. We always schedule Dayne's birthday parties for a Sunday. It's a day when memories are made.
We started our family Sundays because it was the only day that Steve could ever get off work in the summer, and it stuck. Now, we've added something else to our Sundays. It's the day when our entire family is together...in the cemetery. Sundays, usually at night, before Dayne goes to bed, we file into the car and head to the cemetery.
Dayne plays at the park while Steve and I sit on the cement above Alexandra's grave and talk. Sometimes Steve fusses at Dayne to be careful where he walks, or not to go near the road, sometimes Dayne fusses at Steve to play a game of superheroes, and sometimes, it's just a perfect, quiet moment. Always though, no matter who is talking or who is fussing, it's a picture of our family. It's a few moments that always shows exactly what our family looks like, how we are, WHO we are. And on our Sundays, in the cemetery, I feel that there's no disputing where Alexandra is. In those family moments, she is there with us, no questions about "Do you think she's here with me now?" no "She's always in your heart" Alexandra is really and truly there with us, our family is really and truly complete, in those moments, in the cemetery.

I Lost My Child Today

I Lost My Child Today

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

by Netta Wilson, 1996