The Wild Fires

This is unrelated to my loss, but certainly is a massive loss for many, many families, so I wanted to talk about it. There have been wild fires here in Alberta that have touched the lives of hundreds upon hundreds of people.
Many people from Steve's family and friends of his family live in the areas impacted by the fires and have been living through this hugely stressful time, not sure what will happen to their homes, to their families.
Early in my loss a man wrote a poem for my daughter, I posted that poem here, it is beautiful. That man's name is Roger Borchert and he has lost his home due to the fires. I doubt that he is able to read this, but if you are Roger, you are in our thoughts.
We are worried for all of the people of Slave Lake and the surrounding areas that have lost everything, that have been evacuated that are waiting to find out if their homes still stand or if they have lost everything.
If you would like to help these people please visit this facebook page
I am deeply saddened for everyone who has been impacted by these fires.

It's Mother's Day Again

My first important date without my daughter has arrived again. My second mother's day without her here. I remember being kind of numb last year, I was in so much pain my body didn't want to let me feel it all. This year is different, things are different, the pain isn't quite so sharp, so my body no longer shields me from it and I'm sad.
I found a great poem this morning so I am posting it for all the other mommies missing their children today...and every other day. I hope you guys like this one as much as I do:

Dandelions from Heaven


Mothers day is coming And I wanted to send you a sign
something you can tell others; "Is from an angel of mine
So I searched the heavens high and low for that perfect thing....
And low and behold I found it.... And a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the heavens and see the yellow stars in the sky
Just think of me .... your angel... in the heavens way up high
And just imagine those stars; are dandelions up above.
Yes! Dandelions are also in heaven; which you know how much I love.

So on this mothers day and you awake and feel blue....
You will notice those yellow stars... are no longer in view.
So look to the meadows and the dandelions you see...
Are the ones I've tossed down this mothers day from me.
And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white;
You're supposed to make a wish and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses to me in heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back sent with all my love.

Please know that l am with you.... on this mothers day....
And also in the days ahead.... God and I will never stray.
We will be with you in the morning ....when you awake and see the sun....
We will be with you when you say your prayers when the day is done.

For God and I will never be very far from your side....
For I can now be everywhere.... and God will be your guide.
So.... remember when you see dandelions it is your guarantee
That I am always close to you.... for dandelions are free to roam ....now just like me.

I will always be with you mummy....
Happy Mothers Day....
Love your angel in heaven.

Anonymous.

Alexandra's Fundraiser

As many of you know, we held a fundraiser in Alexandra's memory this weekend to raise money for the pregnancy and infant loss program in my city. It was chaos leading up to Saturday, there were a million things to get done and it seemed like the list would just never end, whenever I would knock something off my to-do list, something new would be added. But on Saturday morning one of our first guests was another loss mom and when she told me about her baby it all came into perspective, none of the chaos of days passed mattered, all that mattered was that I was standing there with another woman who understand why I was there.
That moment happened several times on Saturday as I met other loss moms that had heard about the fundraiser and come out to show their support and connect with someone who shared this difficult path in life.
It wasn't just about raising money, it was about raising awareness and letting other women know that they are not alone, they're going to be ok, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
We did pretty well with the fundraiser, and it was a great learning experience for next year because, of course, we're going to be doing this every year, the last weekend in April. And we even had one of our TV stations come out and interview me. I was so anxious I thought I might faint! The news only showed a small clip of the interview, but even a small clip gets the some attention onto this cause.

Alexandra's Birthday

Today my daughter turns one. One year of missed moments has passed, and somehow it feels like it all happened yesterday.
It is snowing, the snow started yesterday, just like last year, big fluffy snow flakes are falling, tears from Heaven for Alexandra.

Easter at the Cemetery

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. It started the way any Easter should, with Dayne waking up excited, wanting to hunt for eggs. I thought about Dayne's first Easter and how cute he was and how cute Alexandra would have have been. I thought about how our table would have looked, with Dayne's Phineas and Ferb and Webkinz themed gifts and something girly, Dora, or Disney Princess for Alexandra. I probably shouldn't do that, but these are the things I'm missing out on, and I am so very aware of it.
And, as with all of our holidays, we visited the cemetery. It was the most difficult holiday visit. I tried not to cry as we stood there, looking at our daughter's headstone. I didn't want to ruin Dayne's day, he is able to bring Alexandra's memory into everything that he does in such a positive way, he is able to stand at her grave and say "Hi Alexandra!" with a smile. He doesn't know how different it would have been if she was here, he just accepts that this is the way it is and that's ok.
Steve's sister had been to the cemetery before us and she had left an Easter basket there for Alexandra. It had a stuffed bunny and a ceramic bunny and it even had some chocolate eggs in it. Alexandra had been included like any other niece or nephew in her life and it was so touching to me. Dayne announced as he noticed the basket, "Look Mommy! The Easter bunny even came to see Alexandra!"
We made it through the last first holiday without Alexandra, and this week we will make it through her first birthday, together.

Happy Easter

The other day I was reminded that I used to post poems a lot, I haven't for a while because I forgot. Today seems like a good day for a new a poem.
I hope that everyone is having a peaceful and gentle Easter.

Tiny Angels


Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Easter, my last pregnant holiday

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and it has hit me how hard this day might be for me, possibly the most difficult first holiday without Alexandra. Last Easter I was at my Grandma's house, hugely pregnant and excited, this Easter, I am neither pregnant, nor excited. I am without belly and without baby and it dawns on me that this one is going to be a doozy.
I have packed the day with outings, time with family, so that I can work on making new memories that include Alexandra's memory in a positive way...This first Easter, I don't think that's going to be as easy as it is to type it.
Of course, as with all important dates in our lives now, we have set aside time to go to the cemetery tomorrow and bring Alexandra her new toy, a stuffy as usual; a pink duck with white bunny ears, perfect for Easter.
Last year, when we were at the cemetery picking the place where Alexandra would be laid to rest, we noticed that there were pin wheels on all the graves, I thought that it must have been an Easter thing, some other loss mom had decided to get all the babies a little Easter pin wheel. I wonder if it will happen this year, will someone take the time to give all of the babies a little pin wheel? It's just a pin wheel, but it will mean a lot to see that someone else has included Alexandra in their Easter...We'll see.
For now, one step at a time, one moment after another, remembering to breathe, we will get through this one like every other horrible moment of the last year and we will work on learning how to include our Alexandra in everything we do, in a healthy and positive way.