Through the snow, creeps hope

Today hasn't been the best day. I've been feeling down. Christmas is coming, another Christmas without Alexandra. It's sad to think about, especially when I see other kids Alexandra's age, all dressed up for the holidays.
Compounding my sadness is the fact that I am still not pregnant. I desperately want to have another child, but it just isn't happening, and that breaks my heart every single day.
So, while I went about my day, thinking about how much this holiday season sucks, I took the dog out to play in the snow. I take him out several times a day, the same way every day. This time though, as I walked, looking at the ground to avoid ice, as usual, I saw something odd. It was green, leafy, and kind of round, and at first I thought it was sitting on top of the snow. I also thought it was some kind of fake plant that had blown to the side of our steps. I bent down to pick it up and I realized that it hadn't blown there, and it wasn't fake. It was a real little plant of some kind, growing up through the snow. It wasn't there this morning, or I have somehow missed it all this time, but the snow is deep and somehow this little plant made it's way out of it.
I dug it out a bit, to see what the bottom looked like, it is not doing very well, but there it was...like hope, creeping up through the snow, stealing the light.

Caring Beyond

Last night was our local pregnancy and infant loss candle light service. It happens every year in December and is a wonderful way to remember our children around the holidays. They have a tree for families to place an ornament on and everyone gets to light a candle for their babies. The battery in my camera was dead, so unfortunately, I did not get a picture of Alexandra's ornament, but I will say that it was a dark pink and purple and VERY sparkly! Dayne chose it after much consideration between many, many other sparkly ornaments. Dayne feels that Alexandra sparkles, so she needs things that sparkle too. I don't know where this boy comes up with this stuff, but it amazes me every time something like that comes out of his mouth.
It was just a lovely service, and I'm so glad that I went, I had the chance to reconnect with some other loss mommies that I've met along the way, and share in a night that was just for our children.
I plan to go back every year, and I hope to get more involved next year. I was thinking about all of the wonderful women that I have met through my blog and through the online loss community last night, and I am wishing you all a very peaceful holiday season.
On the way out of the hospital it was bright enough to take a picture with my phone, so I took a picture of a cow that I thought Dayne would like. When I showed him this morning he said, "Do you think Alexandra thinks that cow is cool too?" So, I didn't get a picture of her ornament, but I guess we have Dayne and Alexandra's Christmas Cow to remember that night.

Lest We Forget

Helping to spread our stories!

On Friday a local news station came to my house interview me for a story about loss and October 15th. I was a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the interview and all morning Friday I kept wondering how I would get through it! The people that came to talk to me though, were kind and understanding and were so respectful of Alexandra's memory and our story. The interview aired last night and their respect really shines through, they did a great job in helping to share Alexandra's story, spread awareness, and make me look like I am not a spaz!
This is a big step on my path to having all of the babies lost recognized by the world. A step in helping to heal families and a step in the right direction to help Canada see that this cause, and our day needs to be acknowledged.
I wanted to share my interview! I'll apologize in advance for the shaky video, I recorded it with my camera off my TV.

October 15th - Wave of light

Yesterday was October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Two days before on October 13th, I received an email letting me know that our work for this day had paid off. The Mayor's office had sent the proclamation declaring October 15th as Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day in my city. This is just one step on our path to having all of the babies lost here in Canada remembered and acknowledged.
With this wonderful news in my heart, we lit our candle last night. It was a new candle that we just bought, with a new candle holder. It's just for Oct. 15th, and says it will burn for 30 hours, so hopefully it will be our October 15th candle for the next 30 years!
Dayne better understands why this day is important this year and he was excited to be involved and take some time out of his day for Alexandra. He asked if she was watching, and of course, I said yes.
I think that Alexandra is proud of all the work we're doing in her honor, and I hope to help her to impact this world even more as time goes on.
Last night I was thinking of all the loss moms I have met over the last year and half. I hope that you all were having a peaceful day.

I Still Miss You

This morning I got up at 7am, like I do 6 days a week (not Sunday, Sunday I sleep in). I showered, got dressed, did my hair, made Dayne's breakfast, got him ready, and chatted with him as we walked to his school. I laughed as he told me funny little Dayne stories and I watched him run around in circles. After Dayne went into the school I ran my nephews swimming stuff into the office for him and I walked back home listening to music all the way. It was a regular morning, like every other morning...
When I arrived at home, I let the dog out, changed into my comfy pants and sat down on my bed. When the morning stopped in that minute, something clicked inside of me and I became overwhelmed with my grief. It's been almost a year and a half since we lost Alexandra, and still some days I am right back to where I was that day. Lost.
I thought I was having a bad minute and tried to compose myself, I have things to get done. But it wasn't just a minute, it was more than that as I quickly realized when the crying turned into sobbing. I sat on my bed, all alone in my house, sobbing. I still miss Alexandra, just as much as I did the day she left us and just as much as I will until the day I die. And some days the realization that this is my life now, that I'm never going to wake up and find my daughter still here with us, is just too much.
Today is one of those days.

Tree Lined Road

For most of my childhood I would have several, recurring dreams. One such dream was of me driving in a car, sometimes it was a car from my childhood, sometimes a car I didn't recognize, sometimes I would be in the front seat, sometimes the back, but the outside of the car always remained the same. The car drove down a tree lined road, the leaves on the trees were all yellow and falling off the trees, covering the ground in a blanket of yellow. It was always night time in the dream and there were always terrible, sad feelings brought about by it, like something terrible was about to, or just had, happened.
The other night we went for our usual trip to the cemetery. It was dark out though, something common for our trips there in the fall. Last year, we drove the back way in to the cemetery, this year, we drive a slightly different way. As we drove, I felt like I was back in that dream. This road was lined with trees, the leaves yellow and falling, the ground was covered in that fall blanket. It was shocking to me, thinking back to my dream, wondering if I was making a connection where there was none.
I haven't had that dream in years, and now I can't help but wonder if it was just a glimpse of my future, or just a grieving mom grasping at straws to make herself feel...better?