I want to write

I have been neglecting this place, my safe place. I relied on this blog to inform my family and express my feelings during the darkest days of my life. I don't know why I have been neglecting it. I could give a million excuses about our busy lives, our summer, the new school year, but I'm not going to do that.
I will say that things certainly have been busy here. This summer I made such a huge effort to make sure that Dayne experienced all the things he missed last summer while he sat, mostly at home with me, while I was grieving. He has proclaimed this as the "best summer EVER!" and I knew in that moment that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do for him.
He has started school, full days. The first day, I cried. I miss my little guy and it reminds me, if Alexandra was here, I would still miss my boy, but I would have her here to keep me busy, to help the time go by more quickly.
I have been working on Alexandra things, having pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day recognized in my city. We are just waiting on the proclamation to be written now, as they have agreed to acknowledge this day here. I am proud of this. I do feel like I dropped the ball, I had big plans for some kind of walk or gathering for October 15th this year, and nothing seems to have gotten planned. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where the time went, I wish I could keep up with every single thing that I want to get done. Things will be accomplished, things will get done, but in time, and I want them done NOW!
One step at a time, right?
You think I would have an abundance of time on my hands, sitting here alone all day long, while Dayne is in school, so, I can't help but wonder, why I feel like there simply aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. And I want to write so much more than I am...

For my friend, I will...

Jenny is what I like to call my bestest best friend in the whole wide world. We first met when we were 12 and 13 years old, in grade 7. We had some ups and down in those first few years, but we quickly realized that ours was a friendship that would stand the test of time. And it has.

Through my loss, Jenny was there, no matter what I needed, she was there for me. Jenny, her husband and their daughter were all there for Alexandra's fundraiser, helping us find items, baking, helping with everything that they could, they were there with me the entire day.

My bestest best friend Jenny is pregnant with her second daughter. I happened to have some maternity clothes still kicking around my house, so I decided to give them to Jenny when I returned the items she had lent me for Alexandra...Items that have been sitting in Alexandra's nursery for over a year now. Last night I also decided that Jenny needed to have some of Alexandra's clothes. I have been holding onto them, unable to take them out of her dresser, unable to give them away. Something changed in me last night though, I decided that, for my friend, I would let go of some of those items and share them with someone who would be truly grateful for them. And when I gave them to Jenny, her response was just what I expected from her, so thankful and so kind. First making sure that it was ok and I would be ok giving up these items.

Jenny and I are crossing a new bridge together, each dealing with something incredibly difficult with the other one. I feel like I have traumatised my dear friend with my loss, I have given her a new concern that she didn't realize was there before, and I feel terribly about that. But despite her own feelings, she stood with me, looking through Alexandra's stuff today. She looked at my daughter's pictures with me and she cried, while I, as usual, fought off the tears until she left.

Standing in my reality is hard for her because she is my friend and she feels sad for me, and because it is scary for her. Standing in her reality is hard for me because I don't want to hurt or scare her and because she is pregnant and I wish that I was, and she is having a daughter and I wish that I had my daughter. So, the two of stood together today, by each other's sides, in each other's realities, scared and sad, but together. Because that is what friends do, and I am so grateful to have a friend in Jenny.

The Hawks Are Everywhere

I look forward to seeing hawks because of what I feel is a connection between the hawks and my daughter. I have spoke of this before, but for those that haven't read from the beginning, we started seeing the hawks around the time that we lost our daughter. I noticed that whenever I would be sitting on the couch in my living room looking out the window, in a state of complete despair, missing my daughter, I would see a hawk, off in the distance, circling in the sky. I had never noticed these hawks before.

Losing Alexandra has changed me in such a profound way, where I would once glance at the hawk and carry on, I now stop to watch. I stop to look at the flowers, the trees, the little birds chirping. I see jack rabbits hopping around. I notice little miracles in everything. I know that some people lose their faith when they lost a child, I can completely understand how that could happen, I mean, really, how could you not question things a little bit, at least for a minute, but the opposite happened for me.
Last night on the way to the cemetery, Steve and I chatted, we discussed he idea that when you die, you may cease to exist. Steve questions things in his head a lot, and he is in a very different place than me at the moment. I asked him, how could he not believe that there is something more out there now, when he had discussed his belief that the hawks must have something to do with Alexandra, less than a year ago. He is just questioning things right now, and that's ok, and probably more than that, it's good that he's searching within himself for the answers that will make him the most comfortable.
At the cemetery, I wiped Alexandra's headstone, had a few minutes with her, organized her stuffed animals, chatted with Dayne about the mushrooms around Alexandra's grave. It's been raining a lot, so I explained that the rain makes the mushrooms grow and then I explained the story that my mom told me when I was younger, about the possibility that little fairies reside under mushrooms. It was kind of neat to me because I had just received Alexandra's new treasure bean, with a fairy on it, and here I was, explaining fairies to Dayne, and maybe Alexandra was listening too.
After we were finished visiting with Alexandra, I headed down the hill to my Grandfather's grave, to clean it up. I sat in the grass with my scissors trimming the grass around it, wiping away the dirt and dust and talking to my son about his great grandfather. There are water taps in the cemetery, but the one we could locate was not working, so Steve wandered around with the bucket looking for another tap. As Steve walked down the road directly in front of me and down a small hill, we all heard a loud hawk cry. All three of us stopped, turned and looked up. We all saw it then, high up in a pine tree, perched on the very top branch, looking directly at Steve. Steve yelled up to me "Do you see it?" and I yelled back, "Yes!" And as Steve went to move, as if to say "STOP! Look at me!" The hawk screamed again, and every time Steve moved it would screech and stare at him.
In my mind I thought of the postal workers in my city who had been attacked by a large hawk, probably as big as the one I was looking at right now, but the hawk didn't move, it just stared at Steve screeching. Dayne became excited at this encounter and jumped, yelling, "Hey hawk! Hi!" and the hawk turned it's head looking at him. I told him to be quiet, so he didn't scare the bird and we began to talk about what hawks like to eat as we stared up at it.
This bird seemed fixated on Steve and, while it may have meant nothing more than a cool encounter to him, to me, this was just another little sign from our daughter. He dared to question and here was a sign, screeching at him from on top of a tree, within eye shot of Alexandra's grave. It was as if the hawk was telling Steve to believe.

These moments are all around us, and I do believe if we just stop and listen, we will hear it, if we take a moment to look, we will all see. And with so many signs everywhere I look, how can I NOT believe that my little girl is somewhere around me, checking in, watching over us, letting us know that she is ok, she is with us and she misses us as much as we miss her?

The Broken Pinwheel

Last year I bought Alexandra and Dayne each a pinwheel. Of course, the weather ruined Alexandra's and I had to replace it. I did so this year, I bought two smaller pinwheels, thinking it would look nice, one on each side of her headstone. I went against my normal urge to buy all pink and girly and I bought a set of two blue pinwheels with small flowers.
The day I put them at the cemetery it was a little bit windy, I was happy that we would get to see them spin. I put the first one in on the left side and it began to spin away. The second went on the right side, only, it did not spin. I gave it a little push, to start it, but nothing happened. I thought they both worked when I bought them, but this one pinwheel was not cooperating.
I was annoyed, and I remember thinking..."nothing ever works the way it's supposed to."

Today as I stood at the cemetery watching one pinwheel spin as the other pinwheel stayed completely still, I thought about how they actually reminded me of me. I initially thought that it was just the way it is, I always buy things and then find a little flaw with them, something a little broken, a little ripped, a little imperfect, but today, those pinwheels were me...half broken, with the ability to do what I should, but for some reason it just doesn't happen.

Sometimes, when these kind of thoughts come to me, I wonder if Alexandra is sending me little messages. A broken pinwheel with the ability and desire to spin, but it needs a little push...or a lot of wind. Nothing comes easy, but the potential is there.

What's changed and remains the same

A lot of things about me have changed since we lost Alexandra. Some things that I didn't even realize. Some things that changed or became triggers, I thought would pass, but so far, they haven't. I used to assume that the intense feelings would pass and I would get over certain issues, but that hasn't happened for a few things.
Babies...I can't handle seeing or hearing about any children that would be Alexandra's age, it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible person, but I just can't. It's so hard to see what I'm missing out on.
On top of that, new babies and pregnant women are triggers for me because I desperately WANT another child and it is just not happening for us, which is a different but also difficult issue to be dealing with.
And death...I am constantly paranoid about death. I sometimes think about if I die, what will happen? I check Dayne every hour or two throughout the night, I listen to him breathing, make sure his face isn't covered by his blanket. I check on the dog and even the hamster, several times a day.

It was the hamster that made me realize what I was doing. It has become so ingrained in everything that I do. I hadn't even noticed the lack of sleep I'm inflicting on myself, until it hit me while checking on the hamster. As with every day, I went into Dayne's room, over to her cage and called "Pretty girl! Fuzzy Bugsy!" and waited for her to poke her little nose out of her wooden igloo. I was annoyed with the igloo when Steve first bought it, how could I check on her in that thing? But all the information on hamsters says they need something like it, so I had to work around it, by waking the poor little hamster up several times a day and going in to see her run on her wheel several times a night.

I had joked to Steve about what I've been doing, and insisted that the hamster likes it, she likes the attention, but that night, as I stood there watching her run on her wheel I realized that I am so terrified of this little rodent dying that I have to check on her and make sure she's ok.

And I wonder what will happen when she does pass away. What will happen when I go in and she doesn't poke her cute little nose out of her igloo? What will I do?

I don't know where this has come from and I'm still working on how to get over it, or beyond it, or around it...

Has Alexandra Made a Footprint on Your Heart?

Alexandra has changed everything about me, everything about who I am and what I find important. She has impacted my life in such a profound way. I could write here every day for the rest of my life and never convey the actual amount that my life, beliefs and views have changed because of, and in spite of, my loss.
Sometimes people will contact me and tell me that they are thinking of me or that Alexandra's story has touched their life, or has helped them to understand what loss families are going through.
It is amazing to me that my little angel could reach so many people, people all over the world. Not just loss families, but ALL families.
I'm not done though, Alexandra isn't done making an impact on this world. For now though, I am grateful for every comment, every phone call, every email, every person who lets me know that Alexandra has left a little footprint on their heart.
Thank you.

My Childhood

Sometimes when I remember things from my childhood, it makes me sad that there is so much stuff we're missing out on with Alexandra. My sister and I were very close in age, and though Dayne was 4 when we had Alexandra, I expected that they would be close and there would be shared memories of playing, learning and growing together.
It hurts so much that we have not been able to give Dayne a sibling, to share those special moments with.
This morning I was looking at quotes about angels, as I sometimes do when I am thinking of Alexandra, and I came across the prayer my sister and I used to say before bed.

"Angel of God, my guardian dear
To whom God's love commits me here;
Ever this day be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide."

I don't know why these memories of my childhood make me think of Alexandra, as if they're connected, but it seems that she is a part of every moment and every memory now.

My day was made a lot better this morning when I opened my email to find a picture of my new treasure bean! I think I have started a tradition, I will have to get a new treasure bean for Alexandra every year. This year I asked for a fairy and I couldn't be more pleased with it!

I also got a keychain, which I am VERY excited for!

http://www.treasurebeans.com/