Not Jealous, Not Defeated, But Almost

The Real Housewives are shows that I very much enjoy watching. Those shows, all of them, have helped me kill time, zone out, be away from my feelings and my thoughts for a few hours. The Real Housewives of New York was one of my favorites and Bethenny Frankel was always my favorite. When she got her own show, of course, I had to check it out. I was so interested in the show that the fact that she was pregnant didn't really dawn on me. Now, I am watching episodes after the baby is born, a little tiny baby girl, perfect in every way. And it's hard...And I don't want to watch, but for some stupid reason, I have to.
The show is on every Saturday morning, and Saturdays are busy days for us, so I record it and watch it on my lazy day...Sunday. And so, this morning I go into my recorded shows list and look at the title of the show and I feel anxiety. I don't WANT to watch, but I HAVE to watch, and so I turn it on and I start to watch the show that no longer keeps my mind from running to thoughts of my daughter, but is still so much a part of my routines that I can't give it up and I watch. I'm watching what I missed out on. Bethenny had her baby on May 8th, so when I watched this episode this morning, and watched her walk into a Children's Place and I saw that clothes that I saw that day I chose Alexandra's burial outfit, I didn't know how to respond. Feelings rushed over me, I had never put it together, that Alexandra was born so close, it's TV, it's not even real to me, but seeing that store, with those close slapped me right in the face.
I would assume that I would have felt jealousy, but at that moment, I didn't. I just felt kind of sad, for what I missed out, what I'm missing out on, and what I WILL miss out on in the future. And I thought, it will happen for us one day, one day we will have another new baby that makes it safely into this world.
And then I think of my most recent loss and I feel a little bit defeated. And sadly, I had an appointment last week and they told me that we would not be able to try again for a little while because they found a fairly large cyst on my left ovary and they want to remove it, and they can't if I'm pregnant, so we wait some more, at least another 3 months to start trying again, and then however long it takes for me to conceive, and then the pregnancy, when I will be a wreck. So, I will not have a baby in my arms for over a year...if I'm lucky enough to have another one, and that is a hard pill to swallow.
I have to have faith though, that it WILL happen for us, one day. I have not been defeated...yet.