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Monday, April 30, 2012

The Battle

Recently I got a "part time" job at a pub in my neighborhood. I thought it would be nice to make a little extra money. With planning the fundraiser and a vacation for next month, I may have bitten off a bit more than I could chew with the job, but I felt like it was time for me to get back out there. I say "part time" and not part time, because what should have been 3 days a week has turned into more, and that's ok, I guess, but it does add more to an already full plate.
April 27th marked 2 years from the day we found out we lost Alexandra and instead of walking peacefully through the cemetery, Steve and I had to run around picking up things for the fundraiser, setting up the hall, and getting ready for Saturday. We stopped at the cemetery and I cried, it wasn't all about Alexandra, Steve and I were arguing about something stupid, and I was frustrated and tired. And then I felt guilty, like I ruined our moments with Alexandra by being upset about other, not so important things.
Saturday went well according to other people, but not as well as I had hoped. I will upload our little news clip when I get a few minutes. I feel like there's a better way to raise more money, but I haven't thought of it yet. We received a huge book donation and many of them didn't sell, so my living room currently looks like the walls are made of boxes of books.
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday. I had booked the whole weekend off and after a lot of confusion, I wasn't able to get Sunday off, so I had to work last night. I spent my day organizing and sorting books, trying to make sense of the mess that was once the place Dayne and I had Just Dance offs, but had no luck even putting a dent in it before I had to leave for work. We did go to the cemetery and place a lalaloopsy doll there for Alexandra. But I wish we had gotten more time there. Last year we released balloons, I wish we had done that this year too. I didn't forget about Alexandra, I didn't neglect her birthday, but I feel guilty nonetheless.
I should have waited to find a job until after the fundraiser, until after Alexandra's birthday. I had a terrible night at work, with walk outs, rude customers and general frustrations, and I walked home afterwards crying. Feeling sorry for myself, I sat in the backyard with my dog after I got home and cried some more. I just wanted to have what we had last year, a peaceful day to remember our daughter.
I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I didn't realize how much time I had to gain those peaceful moments before this, I didn't realize how much I needed them, and now, I have everything on my plate and I feel like there's no way to get back to a calm place within myself.
I am having a battle within myself. Half of me wants to just give up, curl up in my bed and cry. The other half of me keeps saying that I am strong, if I just get through this, there will be time for me to take later. I will sit in Alexandra's room and have a whole peaceful, calm, gentle day to work through these new feelings. If I can just claw my way through this little bit of time...

Sunday, April 8, 2012


This is it, the last second holiday without Alexandra. I can't help but look back over the last two years and think about how far I fell and how far I've come. In the last year I learned what it's like to rise above the grief and see things clearly. To incorporate my daughter into my life in a positive way, to make happy memories that include her, not in the way I wanted, but in the way I can.
I still have bad days, sad days, lonely days; days where I wake up and think...this isn't MY life, it  can't be. Some things are still hard, other things have come surprisingly easy, but no matter what, here I am, Alexandra's mom, no matter what.
I am wishing all of the loss families out there a peaceful and gentle Easter. I hope that those who are in the thick of their grief are able to see that, it will never be the same, but there is some hope out there.