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Thursday, September 15, 2011

I want to write

I have been neglecting this place, my safe place. I relied on this blog to inform my family and express my feelings during the darkest days of my life. I don't know why I have been neglecting it. I could give a million excuses about our busy lives, our summer, the new school year, but I'm not going to do that.
I will say that things certainly have been busy here. This summer I made such a huge effort to make sure that Dayne experienced all the things he missed last summer while he sat, mostly at home with me, while I was grieving. He has proclaimed this as the "best summer EVER!" and I knew in that moment that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do for him.
He has started school, full days. The first day, I cried. I miss my little guy and it reminds me, if Alexandra was here, I would still miss my boy, but I would have her here to keep me busy, to help the time go by more quickly.
I have been working on Alexandra things, having pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day recognized in my city. We are just waiting on the proclamation to be written now, as they have agreed to acknowledge this day here. I am proud of this. I do feel like I dropped the ball, I had big plans for some kind of walk or gathering for October 15th this year, and nothing seems to have gotten planned. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where the time went, I wish I could keep up with every single thing that I want to get done. Things will be accomplished, things will get done, but in time, and I want them done NOW!
One step at a time, right?
You think I would have an abundance of time on my hands, sitting here alone all day long, while Dayne is in school, so, I can't help but wonder, why I feel like there simply aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. And I want to write so much more than I am...