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Monday, April 30, 2012

The Battle

Recently I got a "part time" job at a pub in my neighborhood. I thought it would be nice to make a little extra money. With planning the fundraiser and a vacation for next month, I may have bitten off a bit more than I could chew with the job, but I felt like it was time for me to get back out there. I say "part time" and not part time, because what should have been 3 days a week has turned into more, and that's ok, I guess, but it does add more to an already full plate.
April 27th marked 2 years from the day we found out we lost Alexandra and instead of walking peacefully through the cemetery, Steve and I had to run around picking up things for the fundraiser, setting up the hall, and getting ready for Saturday. We stopped at the cemetery and I cried, it wasn't all about Alexandra, Steve and I were arguing about something stupid, and I was frustrated and tired. And then I felt guilty, like I ruined our moments with Alexandra by being upset about other, not so important things.
Saturday went well according to other people, but not as well as I had hoped. I will upload our little news clip when I get a few minutes. I feel like there's a better way to raise more money, but I haven't thought of it yet. We received a huge book donation and many of them didn't sell, so my living room currently looks like the walls are made of boxes of books.
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday. I had booked the whole weekend off and after a lot of confusion, I wasn't able to get Sunday off, so I had to work last night. I spent my day organizing and sorting books, trying to make sense of the mess that was once the place Dayne and I had Just Dance offs, but had no luck even putting a dent in it before I had to leave for work. We did go to the cemetery and place a lalaloopsy doll there for Alexandra. But I wish we had gotten more time there. Last year we released balloons, I wish we had done that this year too. I didn't forget about Alexandra, I didn't neglect her birthday, but I feel guilty nonetheless.
I should have waited to find a job until after the fundraiser, until after Alexandra's birthday. I had a terrible night at work, with walk outs, rude customers and general frustrations, and I walked home afterwards crying. Feeling sorry for myself, I sat in the backyard with my dog after I got home and cried some more. I just wanted to have what we had last year, a peaceful day to remember our daughter.
I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I didn't realize how much time I had to gain those peaceful moments before this, I didn't realize how much I needed them, and now, I have everything on my plate and I feel like there's no way to get back to a calm place within myself.
I am having a battle within myself. Half of me wants to just give up, curl up in my bed and cry. The other half of me keeps saying that I am strong, if I just get through this, there will be time for me to take later. I will sit in Alexandra's room and have a whole peaceful, calm, gentle day to work through these new feelings. If I can just claw my way through this little bit of time...


  1. Im so sorry... Big hugs and remembering your sweet girl with you. Happy Birthday, Alexandra.

  2. I feel so bad. Wish you would have gotten the perfect moment you needed. You are doing so much to honor your sweet baby. Thinking about you! So grateful for the time you are taking!

  3. Happy Birthday sweet Alexandra, I agree, you're doing so much to honor her. Hoping you have more peaceful days, xo