January 23, 2011

I have many random thoughts running through my mind today, so here I am...to talk it all out.
I can't believe that it's 2011, I wonder if this year will be better. Will good things happen? Will more bad things happen? I remain hopeful...and so far so good.
Yesterday Dayne had a birthday party to attend, so Steve and I went for a late lunch at Boston Pizza. They had hearts taped all over the door and windows. It's a fund raiser for the heart and stroke foundation that they do every year for Valentine's day. Steve and I read the hearts while we ate and at the end of the meal, when they asked if we wanted to buy one, of course we said yes. So, on a wall or a window at Boston Pizza there is a heart that says simply "In Memory of Alexandra Elizabeth Monique" and has a little picture that Steve drew with a halo and angel wings. If she had been here with us, we would have taken her for lunch with us. The meal would have been me taking cold bites of food while I played with her, just like when Dayne was little. She couldn't be there, but it made me feel good that we found another way to include her.
This afternoon Dayne and I are hanging out at home. While he has a snack and plays in the living room I sit on one of my loss boards, seeing page after page of women asking questions about what will happen to them next, when they lost their precious babies, reaching out to someone...anyone, for help, for guidance. I remember a woman that reached out to me. I came home from the hospital, broken by the news that my baby had no heart beat. I made an announcement to the same people that I had asked for help to wake my baby up, just a few hours before. I felt stupid and lost and I needed someone to help me, though I didn't know who that person was, or how that help would come to me. My inbox began to fill up with condolences and I read each one. One in particular was the help that I needed. A woman who had been in my shoes, who reached out and told me every little detail of every single thing that would happen. What to watch for, what I could expect...what NOT to be afraid of or alarmed by. She told me about how she felt and what she had gone through, and all of words stayed with me, during our darkest hours, I knew that someone who had been there had helped me prepare for what was going to happen, I knew that she was thinking of us and that we were not as alone as it may feel.
Alone...It's funny how alone a person can feel when they are surrounded by people just like them. I remember feeling more alone than I have ever felt, and yet, if I look, there are pages upon pages of women that are right there with me...Lost and grieving and feeling perfectly alone.
I will forever be grateful for the woman that reached out to me, and I hope that I can one day help someone else in such a monumental way. And in the mean time, here I am, blogging away.