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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Long Time No See

I've been taking a break from writing, as I'm sure some of you have noticed. I haven't really had a lot to say and beyond that, I have just felt like holding some of my feelings in...for myself. I felt like writing today though, so here I am.
I've been feeling more sensitive lately, missing Alexandra and not really wanting to express my feelings. Seeing babies hurts me, hearing about them, hearing about pregnancies, seeing the baby things in stores and on TV, etc. It all stings. And why does it still sting? I wish I had an answer for that.
As well, I find myself sensitive to the things that people say. I can look beyond the things and I can understand that my feelings should not impact how someone else feels about certain topics, but it's like a bee sting...It's sudden and it hurts and if you're anything like me, you'll have a reaction to it that can sometimes last a week.
I often feel like there are things that people can never really understand unless they have lost a child. When a conversation goes to one of these things I often feel like the answers I hear from those around me would be drastically different if these people were sitting in my shoes. I try to tell myself that I'm wrong, but when you're surrounded by people that have not lost a child and they say the same thing that you did before your life changed, you kind of start to feel like you have the inside information that nobody actually wants...or wants to think about seriously enough to really go "there" in their own mind.
This probably doesn't make sense, and I'm being vague on purpose because if I delved into each conversation that I'm talking about, or each person that said something that I know I said before we lost Alexandra, this post would go on for pages and pages.
People just don't know though. You don't know how much that baby means until you've lost it. You don't know how hard it will be, until you've been there. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is entitled to one and I hope from the bottom of my heart that they never get first hand knowledge to test those opinions.

Alexandra, my precious little girl, Mama misses you.


  1. Well said and I couldn't agree more.

  2. You're so right. Every day, I have a conversation with someone that has one of those moments where I'm like, "hmm, yeah, you wouldn't feel that way if you were me. Or say that thing." Or whatever.

  3. Oh honey... You are so right. And the bee sting analogy- very true.
    Sending hugs and loving thoughts...

  4. When I read this I felt like someone had ripped a page right out of my heart because I have been feeling the same way. Avoiding all the baby isles in the store and even other people with their babies or women that are pregnant. I have especially been really sensitive as you have said about the things people say. It seems I have those everyday moments like that when I think you wouldn't be saying that if you knew what it was like. It's been 25 days since we lost our daughter and I'm just not ready to get over as so many people who have never been there expect me to do.

  5. I hear you, Melissa...the sting is still there for me, too, and it's been more than two years since Abigail. I still have a hard time with comments I read online or with thematic material in shows and books. Stuff that never used to bother me, stuff I used to I know differently.

    The sting will lessen with time. It's a lot less sharp than it used to be.

    ((((((((Melissa)))))))) If I could give you those in person, I would!!


  6. Please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your daughter.

    You are correct in saying people dont know how it feels until they have lost a child. Big or small a child is a child and life is precious.

    I understand where you are coming from and it is never easy to lose a child... at any stage of their life... from prenatally to birth, from birth to toddler to young child to teenager or from teenager into becoming an adult.

    It isnt natural for someone to outlive a child , and nobody should ever have too.