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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas Alexandra

Tomorrow is my second Christmas without my daughter. All the presents are piled under the tree (except for what Santa is bringing, of course!), and on top of it all sits Alexandra's stocking, with the pictures that Dayne drew her last year, and the gift we bought her for the cemetery this year. Alexandra will never get anything other than a teddy bear or other stuffed animal. We will never be struggling to get a toy out of a box for her to play with on Christmas morning, never curse the toy company that packaged the new tea set so it was almost impossible to unwrap. I'll never be annoyed with Steve because I had to put together the doll house.
I think about all the things we are missing, all of the things we got with Dayne that we will never get with Alexandra. It's holidays and birthdays that pass that I find especially hard. Alexandra may be sharing in those things from somewhere else. She may be watching over us, and she may be happy with everything that she sees, but it's not the same, she is not here with us. I will never see her face light up when she opens her presents, or see her smile when Dayne teaches her the Christmas songs he learns in school.
This year Alexandra gets a teddy bear with a pink Calgary Flames hoodie on. We will leave it there for her tomorrow, and I will wonder if she sees us there, including her in Christmas, missing her and wishing she was with us. She would be able to open her gifts with less help this year and would be able to get more involved in all the festivities. I picture how it would be if she was here with me and it breaks me heart.
I am missing out on so much stuff with my daughter.
We try to include Alexandra in everything in our lives in a positive way. I do try not to dwell on how it could be and focus on how it is. Alexandra is not here with us, but she is around us and her memory is making a difference in this world. But, at times like this, it's hard not to think about what should have been...


  1. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I feel the exact same way.

  2. I have not lost a child so I can not imagine what you are going through. However I have a son with sevre autism and am mourning almost the same things. My heart breaks for you.

  3. Tears are pouring down my face. I'm so sorry about your beautiful baby. I'm so emotionally torn by reading this. Its so incredible that you do these things for her , keeping her spirit alive.