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Monday, December 12, 2011

My Ross

This blog has really become more than just Alexandra's blog, it has become a way for me to express myself, help others, a place for me to grieve safely, and a place for me to remember. It's been a rough few years for my family and this blog has really reflected those times.
On Friday Steve and I dropped Dayne off at school and decided to take the time alone to do some Christmas shopping. We started with a few errands at the pet store, headed to another store and then off to a craft store. As I walked around the craft store looking for something, my mom called. I had called her, so I thought she was returning my call, all the while, she thought I was returning her calls. I chatted to her about where I could find something I was looking for and everything seemed normal. At a pause in the conversation my mom started asking about where Steve was, if he was working, if he was with me, was he right there with me. The line of questioning seemed very strange to me, it was excessive.
 After a minute of this, my mom said "The reason I was calling you was to let you know that Ross passed away."
And the world stopped moving, everything stood still. My voice froze in my throat and my mouth fell open.
Ross, my Ross, was my grandma's husband. They got married when I was in grade 7, and Ross became a huge part of my life. They got married in my Grandma's back yard, I remember it like yesterday.
As I grew Ross played one of the most important roles in my life. As a troubled teen Ross was always there for me, he always made me feel loved, like he accepted me no matter what. During that time I formed a bond with Ross that would remain unbreakable over the years.
I would sit with him and wrap my arm around his back and rest my head on his shoulder, and he would always make a sarcastic joke about whatever was going on at the time. Before I left him, every time, I would say, "You behave Ross!" and he would say "You too!" and most recently he would tell me that he had no choice but to behave. We would chat about all sorts of things, Ross and I, sometimes ghosts, sometimes Steve's work, current events, I loved to talk with Ross.
The news devastated me, and the rest of my day went on, as if I was in a fog, like we should be doing something, but there was nothing for us to do. On Friday night we went to my Grandma's house. When we walked in she commented, "You can sit in his chair." But nobody did. The recliner where Ross always sat, was empty, his laptop set to the side, his walker tucked away in the corner. His sweater was resting over the arm of his chair and I just wanted to go curl up in his chair, with his sweater, and cry...not just cry, I wanted to sob. I didn't though, I sat in my usual spot, on the end of couch, glancing over at his chair often, wishing that I was alone there so I could have a moment to sit in his chair, just last Christmas I posed for a picture in that chair with him.
I had to stay strong and not cry for my Grandma, she was working so hard to hold it together for everyone, I could tell that if I started crying, she would too, and then we'd all be a disaster of tears and running noses. If we started would any of be able to stop?
These last days have been difficult for me. I miss him and I regret not spending more time with him than I did. My heart is broken.

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