Sometimes it's not easy, even now.

I've been having a hard time lately. I think I have been neglecting myself a bit, not taking those moments to just be by myself and be sad, or happy, or just ok. Life gets busy and the world moves quickly around me. I try hard to not be bitter or unhappy with what life has given me, but sometimes those feelings creep in. These days especially, I am experiencing intense sadness over my inability to conceive a child. I don't know if I ever will, or why I haven't, or what I can do to speed things along for me, but it's hard to swallow that moment, every month when I realize, this month isn't going to be the one...again.
And you know how it seems like, when you really want something, everyone else has it? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately, everyone is pregnant and having babies, and I am so happy for all those people, I know what a gift a child is. But, under those happy feelings there's something else, a sad, sinking, feeling. This sharp pain deep in my chest, and the lump wells in my throat as I ask myself...will I ever be there again? Will I ever carry another child? Will I ever be taking my new baby home from the hospital?
Alexandra has been gone almost two years and I am so grateful for that way that she has touched my life. But some days I feel like I have not advanced one step from where I was the day she was born.