Sometimes I feel like people are tiptoeing around me, afraid of how I will react to things. I feel like, child loss isn't a topic I'm allowed to discuss unless I'm educating people in the proper venue. If I respond to people at any other time I am told that I am being emotional or given the look that implies a pat on the head and a "Yes sweetie, we get it, you're sad." as if nothing I say holds any volume because I'm just another loss mom. I'm not allowed have a valid opinion on loss, because I've lost a child.
How does this make sense to people? And I try to express myself in a calm and assertive way, one the gets the point across without being overly emotional, but it doesn't matter because I'm one of them.
I liken it to zombies. People view loss moms in much the same way they view zombies. There are certain things that will bring us around, talking about loss, diminishing loss, losing a child yourself, we sense it and we come out in hoards. And when we pop up, people are afraid! They don't know what to do, what to say or how to react. So they whip out the only weapon they know will silence us, gas lighting. Making a loss mom feel like she's too emotional to understand, to know what she's saying, to think anything rational. You'll hear comments to an offender that has brought us about that run the line of "Good job, you've riled the loss moms!" And then, like a good zombie hunter, they whip out their weapon and fire..."Maybe this isn't the best topic for you dear...", "I know it's hard, but try not to be so emotional.", "Sweetie, you need to let go of this."
Yes, I have lost a child, and life is hard without her. And yes I will speak up when someone is ignorant about child loss and everything that the grief of it entails, but I'm not to be feared. My words may help someone, silencing the people that have been there is the worst idea. Making us feel like we are crazy, or too emotional to be the voice for the children we lost is not fair and we've been dealt a hand that grossly lacks in fairness to begin with. What I have to say has value, and what I have lost doesn't make me useless to this world.
How does this make sense to people? And I try to express myself in a calm and assertive way, one the gets the point across without being overly emotional, but it doesn't matter because I'm one of them.
I liken it to zombies. People view loss moms in much the same way they view zombies. There are certain things that will bring us around, talking about loss, diminishing loss, losing a child yourself, we sense it and we come out in hoards. And when we pop up, people are afraid! They don't know what to do, what to say or how to react. So they whip out the only weapon they know will silence us, gas lighting. Making a loss mom feel like she's too emotional to understand, to know what she's saying, to think anything rational. You'll hear comments to an offender that has brought us about that run the line of "Good job, you've riled the loss moms!" And then, like a good zombie hunter, they whip out their weapon and fire..."Maybe this isn't the best topic for you dear...", "I know it's hard, but try not to be so emotional.", "Sweetie, you need to let go of this."
Yes, I have lost a child, and life is hard without her. And yes I will speak up when someone is ignorant about child loss and everything that the grief of it entails, but I'm not to be feared. My words may help someone, silencing the people that have been there is the worst idea. Making us feel like we are crazy, or too emotional to be the voice for the children we lost is not fair and we've been dealt a hand that grossly lacks in fairness to begin with. What I have to say has value, and what I have lost doesn't make me useless to this world.
YES YES YES!!!
ReplyDeleteoh goodness, yes!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post!
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