Happy Birthday Alexandra

Alexandra is three years old today. I can't believe it's been three years, it feels like just yesterday we were holding her in the hospital. The pain has numbed over the last three years, but it's still very distinctively there. That little hole in my heart, that knowledge that I am missing one of my children.
Alexandra would have been going to pre-school this September, she would have been potty trained
(or potty training), she would know some colors, some numbers, she would be chatty like her big brother. And speaking of her big brother, she would chase him around and drive him crazy, I'm sure. She would want to see everything he's doing and DO everything he's doing. I can imagine the fights and bickering between the two of them. I wish I was listening to those fights every day.
In my head Alexandra is still a baby, it's easy for me to imagine how it would have been, if she lived, but I do find it difficult to connect that image with the one in my head of the little girl I held in my arms. It's not fair that I didn't get to see her grow up into the little girl she should be today.
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday party and our annual fundraiser for the pregnancy and infant loss program. We had so much support this year and not only met our $3000 goal, but exceeded it by at least $1000! I will post the final total when I have it. It was an amazing day, I was truly touched by all of the support we received and by all the people that  came out in memory of our sweet little girl.
I think that Alexandra was looking down on us yesterday and I hope that she was proud.

Easter

Long time no see! I always mean to write, but can't find the words very often these days. I thought I would post today, it's been almost a year. So much has gone on though. We had October 15th declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day again. I read some poems at a get together for people who had lost a child within the last year. It was hard, I tried to make it through without crying, but didn't even make it past the title of the first poem without breaking down. We held a fundraiser to celebrate October 15th and remember all the babies lost. It was a pancake breakfast and we did quite well. I'm busy planning Alexandra's Fundraiser, which will be held on April 28th again this year. It's looking like it may be our biggest event yet, which is amazing since I was concerned this year about how it would turn out. We've been getting a lot of support from the people and businesses in Calgary and it is truly touching.
I've made it through almost another year without my daughter. I think about how it would be with her here often. I imagine that she would be running around and harassing her big brother. In my mind, she would be very girly and always in cute outfits, tutus, or princess costumes. Rather than stopping at the cemetery to bring her Easter present, she would have been dressed in her new Easter Dress from her Nana and Papa, hunting for eggs with her brother. It would have been wonderful.
Sometimes it's hard to just bring Alexandra's memory into things in a healthy way. It's hard to not dwell for a little while on what should have been and feel sad about what isn't. Easter is my most difficult holiday, so close to her birthday, so close. I can't help but think about how close I was to having her, how close we made it.
I just hope that, while I can't see her, I hope she's looking down on me, and I hope she's proud of everything we do to share her life with the world.