Alexandra's 8 month birthday passed by slowly and lazily, as Dayne and I hung out with the dog and played webkinz. I didn't write on that day for the first time and I feel guilty. I have not forgotten my little girl, she has not gotten less important, but I find myself at a loss for words these days. I'm at that place that I believe is referred to as "Acceptance" in the Kubler-Ross model.
And yet, I am still sad. If I can accept what happened, you might think that the pain would lessen, just a little bit, but it really hasn't.
Alexandra would have been 8 months old and her first Christmas would have just passed, making way for her first New Year's, and her first Easter and then her first birthday.
At midnight tonight, I will take a minute to think of Alexandra. To be glad that the worst year of my life is over and hope that this new year makes way to positive things in my daughter's memory and in my family's life.
I am hoping all of my followers and fellow loss moms will have a peaceful and gentle New Year's Eve.
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I very much understand (to a degree, I suppose) how you feel. When my uncle passed, actually, it took me pretty much the full year after to get out of the first four stages. I spent a lot of time thinking to myself, "No, he's not gone, he's just busy, that's why I haven't seen him." It took about 3.5 years after he passed away for me to get to the "Acceptance" stage. This was after little to no sleep, days and nights of crying, depression and a couple suicide attempts. When I forgot to mark my uncle's passing last year and this year, I felt horrible. Soon, you will get a feeling of peace. The one I got was that, yes, this horrible and heart-breaking thing happened, but I will move on. I keep my uncle close to me and, if nothing else, I am going to have a photo of him prominently displayed at my wedding.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a wonderful New Year filled with hope, love and promise.
I also took a minute to think about ur beautiful angel at midnight may this year come with many blessings for ur family
ReplyDeleteI was a mother on your May birth board on BBC was heartbroken for you when you posted about Alexandra's passing. I just wanted to say that I keep a special place for your baby girl in my prayers and I hope that you and your family have peace and comfort in 2011. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI find it harder to write as the months go on and wonder when I will stop updating on the monthly anniversaries.
ReplyDeleteMaybe acceptance just means that you stop looking for answers for so much, so trying to understand why it happened to your baby. I don't know. Sometimes I think I might be approaching that stage, but then it disappears.
I hope that 2011 is so much better than 2011.