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Thursday, July 21, 2011

What's changed and remains the same

A lot of things about me have changed since we lost Alexandra. Some things that I didn't even realize. Some things that changed or became triggers, I thought would pass, but so far, they haven't. I used to assume that the intense feelings would pass and I would get over certain issues, but that hasn't happened for a few things.
Babies...I can't handle seeing or hearing about any children that would be Alexandra's age, it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible person, but I just can't. It's so hard to see what I'm missing out on.
On top of that, new babies and pregnant women are triggers for me because I desperately WANT another child and it is just not happening for us, which is a different but also difficult issue to be dealing with.
And death...I am constantly paranoid about death. I sometimes think about if I die, what will happen? I check Dayne every hour or two throughout the night, I listen to him breathing, make sure his face isn't covered by his blanket. I check on the dog and even the hamster, several times a day.
It was the hamster that made me realize what I was doing. It has become so ingrained in everything that I do. I hadn't even noticed the lack of sleep I'm inflicting on myself, until it hit me while checking on the hamster. As with every day, I went into Dayne's room, over to her cage and called "Pretty girl! Fuzzy Bugsy!" and waited for her to poke her little nose out of her wooden igloo. I was annoyed with the igloo when Steve first bought it, how could I check on her in that thing? But all the information on hamsters says they need something like it, so I had to work around it, by waking the poor little hamster up several times a day and going in to see her run on her wheel several times a night.
I had joked to Steve about what I've been doing, and insisted that the hamster likes it, she likes the attention, but that night, as I stood there watching her run on her wheel I realized that I am so terrified of this little rodent dying that I have to check on her and make sure she's ok.
And I wonder what will happen when she does pass away. What will happen when I go in and she doesn't poke her cute little nose out of her igloo? What will I do?
I don't know where this has come from and I'm still working on how to get over it, or beyond it, or around it...

1 comment:

  1. Sending you love. Triggers can be very overwhelming and seem like they are everywhere. Paranoia about death is a common fixation for those of us who have been through this type of loss and unimaginable grief.

    sending you lots of hugs Melissa