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Friday, February 25, 2011

Another Tragic Moment

Most people didn't know that this past December Steve and I decided that we would try again. We both always planned on having a family with two or three children, and we felt like maybe it was time to try again. So, around Christmas I went off birth control. I was excited to try again, I told Steve that Alexandra was waiting to choose her baby brother or sister.
We both thought that this would take some time, but I excitedly charted out when I should ovulate. Imagine our surprise when on February 10th, a home pregnancy test came back positive. Steve was on a trip to Edmonton at the time so I sent him a cute email with a picture of the test and congratulated him. He was happy, I was over the moon.
As the next days went by I felt like something wasn't right, something just seemed off. I didn't have the same symptoms that I had had for any of my previous pregnancies and this alarmed me. Everyone told me not to worry, that I was extra paranoid because of our loss. And to be honest, I felt that way too. We had a doctor confirm the pregnancy on Valentine's day and I set out making my first prenatal appointment, which of course, wouldn't happen until 11 weeks. I made the appointments for my first trimester screening and happily told a few family members and friends.
On February 22, my sister's birthday, we dropped our son off at school as usual and went to the cemetery as usual. On the way home I talked to Steve about my fear and he tried to reassure me in the best way he knows telling me to calm down and not think about all the bad things that could happen. Dwelling on what COULD go wrong will get you nowhere. When we arrived home I went into the bathroom to change into some more comfortable clothes and that is when my fear came true. Spotting.
Panic ran through me like a freight train. I was horrified. I left the bathroom and told Steve "I'm spotting" he had no idea what this meant or what it could mean. I frantically hunted for the phone to call my doctor. My family doctor was booked throughout the day and they encouraged me to wait until later in the day to see him. Something in my head wasn't following what the nurse on the phone was saying...didn't she get it? I was spotting, this is urgent, someone needs to tell me what's wrong.
I opted for a walk in clinic, where I saw the same doctor that gave me the pregnancy test on Valentine's day. He ordered and ultra sound for the next morning and demanded that I consider myself on strict bed rest until he could sort everything out. I was fine with that, I was terrified, I didn't want to move around. That night I did something that I wouldn't really call sleep. It was more of dozing on and off from about 11pm until 5:30am, when I gave up. My stomach didn't feel right, I was anxious, I thought that I could sleep when I got back from my  Ultra sound.

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