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Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Loss

Do you ever get the feeling that people just don't understand the magnitude of your loss? Like when you tell someone for the first time and they're like "Oh, that's terrible....So, guess what I did this weekend?" and you're left standing there thinking "HELLO! I just told you that my baby died! Don't you GET IT???"
I try so hard to think about the intention behind someones words before I get upset or offended, but when those words are "Well that really sucks, but you're strong, you'll be fine." I can't help but think "No, there's no but in there, it sucks and that's it, my strength or lack thereof has nothing to do with anything and no I most certainly will NOT be fine!" What is the intention there?
On some days I think that it's just the fact that people have no idea WHAT to say to me. It's so awkward and so unexpected that they just stumble and trip over everything that they want to say. Some days I think that people are just jerks and don't understand the fact that just because my baby wasn't born living doesn't mean she wasn't real.
Some people just don't seem to care and I can't help but be offended...of course you should care! This is my daughter, my little Alexandra, she lived and then died and you should understand how serious that is.
I want everyone to remember my daughter as a little girl that lived. As a perfect living child that was tragically taken from us. I want them to think about her every now and then and understand how hard this is for us. And the most offensive thing of all is when someone doesn't understand that and doesn't recognize my daughter for the living child that she was, just because she didn't take a breath.
It's not fair.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. The worst is when friends ask you how you are doing and then immediately change the subject when you start crying.

    Don't they realize that we need to cry?? We need to share our story?

    Why is stillbirth and baby loss the last taboo? Why can't we talk about our losses just like people who lose siblings or parents?? Why do we have to deal with the look of horror on people's faces when we explain our circumstances??

    I've been stewing on a blog post about this very topic for quite some time. It's not quite ready yet, but it's coming very soon.

  2. I know how you feel! It is so frustrating!

    When I told my SIL she said, "it happens."


  3. It's so true...they don't understand and it's so frustrating. Thinking of you and your baby girl. ((hugs))