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Monday, April 18, 2011

Balance and Definition

For the last year Alexandra's memory has been what I get up every day for. Don't get me wrong, Dayne, Steve, our dog and families are all wonderful and amazing gifts to my life that drive me every single day. While I give each of them the same time I always have, the same love I always have, I feel like, somewhere inside of me, they took a back seat to my grief. They took a back seat to my need for Alexandra to be remembered.
I have been a force for the last year, like King Kong, barrelling through my life, forcing everyone to look to me, look at my story, read my story, see Alexandra, hear her, acknowledge her, remember her.
And this isn't going to stop, really. Alexandra's fundraiser is quickly approaching, and when it's finished, Alexandra's charity is next on the list, and then her next fundraiser, and all of my time to come, helping families with their losses. Alexandra is working through me, every single day, pushing me forward, one step after another, and I feel like I am learning to walk with this new force within me.
But I have been wondering lately if I have defined myself ONLY as Alexandra's loss mom.
It all started with a picture. The profile picture I use for pretty much everything, my Alexandra tattoo. It's a truly amazing tattoo, and I love it, but when the time came that I felt like, maybe it's time to change it to a picture of me, I felt that feeling that is so common to me now, guilt. How will people remember her, if everything that I do doesn't reflect her?
So this, I guess, is the next baby loss mom hurdle. Finding a balance between who I am as an individual, and who I am as Alexandra's mother, the carrier of her memory. Defining myself as both Alexandra's mom, the baby loss mom and Dayne's mom, the living boy's mom, and a birth mother, the possible future new baby's mom, a fiance, a pet owner, a friend, sister, daughter, a woman. There is a balance there, and as with anything in life, I will stumble upon it eventually.


  1. you are a wonderful person melissa dont ever feel guilty because you have done an amazing job at keeping your beautiful daughters memory alive I know your daughter must be very proud to have such a great mommy

  2. Other people may not remember her. It was hard to face that after we lost Abby - that others would move on and not miss her so much and, eventually, forget. But she's remembered by me and Rich, by our kids, by our parents and siblings. The people who loved her most remember her and keep her alive, and that's enough. Same with Alexandra... the people who love her most will be the ones to carry her memory, and it will be enough.