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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter, my last pregnant holiday

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and it has hit me how hard this day might be for me, possibly the most difficult first holiday without Alexandra. Last Easter I was at my Grandma's house, hugely pregnant and excited, this Easter, I am neither pregnant, nor excited. I am without belly and without baby and it dawns on me that this one is going to be a doozy.
I have packed the day with outings, time with family, so that I can work on making new memories that include Alexandra's memory in a positive way...This first Easter, I don't think that's going to be as easy as it is to type it.
Of course, as with all important dates in our lives now, we have set aside time to go to the cemetery tomorrow and bring Alexandra her new toy, a stuffy as usual; a pink duck with white bunny ears, perfect for Easter.
Last year, when we were at the cemetery picking the place where Alexandra would be laid to rest, we noticed that there were pin wheels on all the graves, I thought that it must have been an Easter thing, some other loss mom had decided to get all the babies a little Easter pin wheel. I wonder if it will happen this year, will someone take the time to give all of the babies a little pin wheel? It's just a pin wheel, but it will mean a lot to see that someone else has included Alexandra in their Easter...We'll see.
For now, one step at a time, one moment after another, remembering to breathe, we will get through this one like every other horrible moment of the last year and we will work on learning how to include our Alexandra in everything we do, in a healthy and positive way.


  1. I am praying for you today. So sorry your heart feels this way. Thanks for continuing to share your feelings and the memory of your daughter.

  2. I keep busy on Easter too. That was one holiday that I did not get to celebrate with Lilly in my tummy so its a pretty hard one on me. *hugs*