Alexandra will turn one this month. April 29th seems to be flying at me at a pace I am not at all comfortable with. The date means so much more than a regular birthday. For me, it's the anniversary of a day of firsts and lasts with my little angel. It marks a year that I have lived while my daughter hasn't, a year visiting her grave, a year trying to carry on without her. My daughter's first birthday will not be filled with all the wonderful things that Dayne's first birthday held, we won't be watching Alexandra smash a cake or open a present. But there will be a party, Alexandra's fundraiser, it will even have my favorite childhood clown. It will be wonderful, and I am even excited about it...But it won't be the same.
And as her day approaches, it brings with it something else that makes me sad. The thought that people will think that now that it's been a year, maybe I should move on...Those words that I hate "move on" Or because it's been a year, people will think that means they don't have to talk about Alexandra, to ask about her, to bring her up at all...To remember her.
I feel like I have already noticed it happening. People that I thought had some sort of special attachment to my daughter seem to have left her behind and it stings. Everything I have done to keep my daughter's memory alive, but I never thought that nothing that I do will matter if everyone else chooses to forget her. Maybe one day I will just be happy with knowing that I remember her, the Steve and Dayne remember her, that we will never forget her and will always know she existed, but that day has yet to come.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
beautiful... I'll remember her. That day, I'll light a special candle for her and think of you... :)
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling that way too, like everyone forgot or would forget her that day and expected me to "move on". There's no timeline for this and I don't think you can ever move on from losing a child. I'll be thinking of you and Alexandra that day. I hope it's peaceful for you.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteI know you dont know me, but we were in May 2010 BBC board together. I have been following your blog ever since the beginning. I check for updates on you and your family nearly daily. I just wanted let you know that Alexandra will live in the hearts of many lives forever and ever. My husband and I have planted tulips out front to remind us of Alexandra and the others who left us too soon. Every year they will come up in the spring and bloom around her birthday, as they are begining to do right now, as a reminder to honor her memory. She is on our minds and hearts, as are you and your family, forever and always.