The Battle

Recently I got a "part time" job at a pub in my neighborhood. I thought it would be nice to make a little extra money. With planning the fundraiser and a vacation for next month, I may have bitten off a bit more than I could chew with the job, but I felt like it was time for me to get back out there. I say "part time" and not part time, because what should have been 3 days a week has turned into more, and that's ok, I guess, but it does add more to an already full plate.
April 27th marked 2 years from the day we found out we lost Alexandra and instead of walking peacefully through the cemetery, Steve and I had to run around picking up things for the fundraiser, setting up the hall, and getting ready for Saturday. We stopped at the cemetery and I cried, it wasn't all about Alexandra, Steve and I were arguing about something stupid, and I was frustrated and tired. And then I felt guilty, like I ruined our moments with Alexandra by being upset about other, not so important things.
Saturday went well according to other people, but not as well as I had hoped. I will upload our little news clip when I get a few minutes. I feel like there's a better way to raise more money, but I haven't thought of it yet. We received a huge book donation and many of them didn't sell, so my living room currently looks like the walls are made of boxes of books.
Yesterday was Alexandra's birthday. I had booked the whole weekend off and after a lot of confusion, I wasn't able to get Sunday off, so I had to work last night. I spent my day organizing and sorting books, trying to make sense of the mess that was once the place Dayne and I had Just Dance offs, but had no luck even putting a dent in it before I had to leave for work. We did go to the cemetery and place a lalaloopsy doll there for Alexandra. But I wish we had gotten more time there. Last year we released balloons, I wish we had done that this year too. I didn't forget about Alexandra, I didn't neglect her birthday, but I feel guilty nonetheless.
I should have waited to find a job until after the fundraiser, until after Alexandra's birthday. I had a terrible night at work, with walk outs, rude customers and general frustrations, and I walked home afterwards crying. Feeling sorry for myself, I sat in the backyard with my dog after I got home and cried some more. I just wanted to have what we had last year, a peaceful day to remember our daughter.
I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I didn't realize how much time I had to gain those peaceful moments before this, I didn't realize how much I needed them, and now, I have everything on my plate and I feel like there's no way to get back to a calm place within myself.
I am having a battle within myself. Half of me wants to just give up, curl up in my bed and cry. The other half of me keeps saying that I am strong, if I just get through this, there will be time for me to take later. I will sit in Alexandra's room and have a whole peaceful, calm, gentle day to work through these new feelings. If I can just claw my way through this little bit of time...

Easter

This is it, the last second holiday without Alexandra. I can't help but look back over the last two years and think about how far I fell and how far I've come. In the last year I learned what it's like to rise above the grief and see things clearly. To incorporate my daughter into my life in a positive way, to make happy memories that include her, not in the way I wanted, but in the way I can.
I still have bad days, sad days, lonely days; days where I wake up and think...this isn't MY life, it  can't be. Some things are still hard, other things have come surprisingly easy, but no matter what, here I am, Alexandra's mom, no matter what.
I am wishing all of the loss families out there a peaceful and gentle Easter. I hope that those who are in the thick of their grief are able to see that, it will never be the same, but there is some hope out there.

Zombies

Sometimes I feel like people are tiptoeing around me, afraid of how I will react to things. I feel like, child loss isn't a topic I'm allowed to discuss unless I'm educating people in the proper venue. If I respond to people at any other time I am told that I am being emotional or given the look that implies a pat on the head and a "Yes sweetie, we get it, you're sad." as if nothing I say holds any volume because I'm just another loss mom. I'm not allowed have a valid opinion on loss, because I've lost a child.
How does this make sense to people? And I try to express myself in a calm and assertive way, one the gets the point across without being overly emotional, but it doesn't matter because I'm one of them.
I liken it to zombies. People view loss moms in much the same way they view zombies. There are certain things that will bring us around, talking about loss, diminishing loss, losing a child yourself, we sense it and we come out in hoards. And when we pop up, people are afraid! They don't know what to do, what to say or how to react. So they whip out the only weapon they know will silence us, gas lighting. Making a loss mom feel like she's too emotional to understand, to know what she's saying, to think anything rational. You'll hear comments to an offender that has brought us about that run the line of "Good job, you've riled the loss moms!" And then, like a good zombie hunter, they whip out their weapon and fire..."Maybe this isn't the best topic for you dear...", "I know it's hard, but try not to be so emotional.", "Sweetie, you need to let go of this."
Yes, I have lost a child, and life is hard without her. And yes I will speak up when someone is ignorant about child loss and everything that the grief of it entails, but I'm not to be feared. My words may help someone, silencing the people that have been there is the worst idea. Making us feel like we are crazy, or too emotional to be the voice for the children we lost is not fair and we've been dealt a hand that grossly lacks in fairness to begin with. What I have to say has value, and what I have lost doesn't make me useless to this world. 

Including Alexandra

Including Alexandra in our every day life has come fairly easily. Sometimes when we're out I wonder if people know what I'm doing when they see me pull out Alexandra's treasure bean and start taking pictures. Most people do glance, and I would gladly explain if they asked, but nobody ever has. I wonder though, if those people know what I'm doing, if they have a treasure bean of their own, if they're part of our loss family and I just haven't met them yet.
This weekend we went to Elbow Falls. Alexandra was there with us.

Sometimes it's not easy, even now.

I've been having a hard time lately. I think I have been neglecting myself a bit, not taking those moments to just be by myself and be sad, or happy, or just ok. Life gets busy and the world moves quickly around me. I try hard to not be bitter or unhappy with what life has given me, but sometimes those feelings creep in. These days especially, I am experiencing intense sadness over my inability to conceive a child. I don't know if I ever will, or why I haven't, or what I can do to speed things along for me, but it's hard to swallow that moment, every month when I realize, this month isn't going to be the one...again.
And you know how it seems like, when you really want something, everyone else has it? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately, everyone is pregnant and having babies, and I am so happy for all those people, I know what a gift a child is. But, under those happy feelings there's something else, a sad, sinking, feeling. This sharp pain deep in my chest, and the lump wells in my throat as I ask myself...will I ever be there again? Will I ever carry another child? Will I ever be taking my new baby home from the hospital?
Alexandra has been gone almost two years and I am so grateful for that way that she has touched my life. But some days I feel like I have not advanced one step from where I was the day she was born.

A Project!

Last week I had a meeting with a woman working on a project for Alexandra's fundraiser. She had a brilliant idea and we are moving forward with this project, which will be a bit of a surprise!
This project is special because it doesn't just include Alexandra, it includes loss babies everywhere. I am writing today to ask all the loss families out there if they would like to have their child's NAME included in this project. If you would like your baby's name included, please let me know! I will take pictures of all the names and get them to you all.
The fundraiser isn't until April 28th, so the pictures won't be up until then, but I will need at least 100 names, ASAP.

More Awareness, More Hope For the Future

In January I was interviewed by a very kind woman from CBC radio. She was doing a story on Infant Loss and what programs my city has available.
I wanted to share the story, and with it, possibly some hope, that with every bit of awareness we bring, we step closer to removing that awkwardness surrounding our losses.
CBC.ca | The Homestretch | Infant loss