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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Why Hold On?

There are some things that people should let go of and move on from, losing a child is not one of those things.
I made it through Christmas with only one offensive confrontation about my daughter. To be honest, I didn't think there would be any. I knew that there were a few family members that really get how I'm feeling, and they would incorporate Alexandra into my day in a gentle and kind way. I thought that everyone else would ignore how hard this day must be for us and pretend that there wasn't a member of our family missing...lost.
I did get "How are you doing?" questions, with the look and implication of "No, but really..." And I was pleasantly surprised to see that there were a few others that are anonymously following along with my story who were kind and thoughtful in our conversations.
The bad moment is what leads me to write this blog. The moment where I thought my heart might jump up my throat and out my mouth, the moment where I felt I might involuntarily create a scene, where my words may fall out of my mouth in a way that I couldn't control, in a way that would hurt someone irreparably. That moment began simply enough, with a comment about not understanding "that whole thing" which I stupidly thought was a comment of ignorance in regards to what exactly happened to my daughter. I took the bait and inquired what the questioner meant.
That was when the REAL questions started, "Why are you holding onto this?" "Why are you doing things to remember?" "Why haven't you let it go" no amount of explaining was going to make this stop. "But WHY are you doing these things?" "I just want to UNDERSTAND" and then the point was driven home, as this member of my family, this person that I was once close to, grabbed my wrist, flipped my arm over, gawking at my tattoo and proclaiming that I am just being excessive.
My attempts to be diplomatic and respectable were gone at that point, and as I said "Remembering my daughter is EXCESSIVE!?" that family member was swooped away by what I can only describe as his guardian angel.
I just want to be clear to anyone that has a hard time understanding why *I* deal with my loss the way that I do.
I was 37 and a half weeks pregnant when I lost my daughter. I was just weeks away from my due date. My daughter's room was set up (still is) my daughter's dresser was filled with beautiful little outfits (still is) Everything was put together, my bags were packed and I was ready to go to the hospital and come home with a baby, a living, breathing, kicking, crying, baby girl, whose name we had chosen to be Alexandra Elizabeth Monique, after her two great grandmothers.
I had hopes and plans and dreams for my little girl. I made promises to her about how her life would be and how I would be as a mother to her.
I had plans.
And they were yanked away from. Stolen out from under me. I was robbed of holding my baby while she kicked and squirmed. I was robbed of looking into my little girls eyes, soothing her when she was crying, of showing her off, of dressing her up, of seeing her personality. I didn't get to meet her, face to face, before she left me, all I have are my thoughts of how she might be, my memories of her moving in my womb and of holding her in my arms, knowing she would never open those beautiful little eyes and look at her mommy.
 She was real, she is loved and she is missed.
I understand that not everyone copes with their grief the same way that I do and I can respect that. I only ask for that same respect in return.
And so what if I write about my daughter? And so what if I talk about her? And how does it hurt anyone else that I got a memorial tattoo for her? Or that I incorporate her into things?
I understand that everyone has an opinion, and I can respect that too...but those people must also understand and respect, that I can think their opinion is stupid, uninformed and ignorant.
I understand that people that haven't been in this place don't always understand how I feel and what I am going through and I am happy to spread the knowledge and understanding. However, you haven't walked in these shoes, you haven't been where I am and unless you have lost a child, back off and don't presume to understand what I am going through and how my actions and feelings are right or wrong.
A closed mind cannot absorb knowledge and a closed mind combined with an open mouth is the best way to make yourself look like an ass.
I will hold onto my daughter because she's my daughter, and whether anyone else in this world finds her important or worthy of their memory, she has touched my life in a way that no one else ever could and her gift to this world is greater than any gift a living person with a hurtful nature could give, and that is reason enough for me to keep her alive in my heart and the hearts of everyone that will listen.
There are some things that people should let go of and move on from and mean and hurtful people and comments are just a few of those things.


  1. I'm so sorry. Your daughter's memory is something that you have a right to honor and hold onto for as long as you are alive. I'm sorry you had to be questioned about it. People just never seem to understand. (((((HUGS)))))))

  2. AMEN! People would never tell you to stop remembering your mother or brother. Why should you stop remembering your baby girl?

  3. First ~ That just is so amazingly horrible! Seriously, I don't think I would have even had the words out of my mouth ~ just shocked silence. I think you did an amazing job with what you did say!

    Second ~ I am sorry that happened and that this family member is so damn callous. It is not fair!

  4. I sometimes wonder how it's possible for people to be so ignorant and insensitive. It makes it so much harder when these people are family.

    I've had a few "insensitive" moments and comments from my family since losing my son in August. When they come from strangers it's one thing, but when they come from family it's like being punched in the heart.

    I sometimes wonder if we just expect too much from our families,,,, or if it's just that old saying that you pick your friends but not your family. Either way, I'm so sorry that your (already difficult) day was made even worse by a stupid comment from a person who has no idea what you're going through.


  5. Our children are just that- our children. Then. Now. Always. And, just as if they were living, we will always hold them dear to ourselves. People who cant understand that simple fact should try and grasp the concept of unconditional love. I am so sorry- so very sorry.

    Big hugs...

  6. wonderfully written. you should NEVER have to explain to anyone why you do the things you do. i've met some people who are so judgemental of others and how they grieve and they put a time table on is absolutely ridiculous.

    once again your post moved me to tears. i hope the new year is treating you and your family well.

    here's to remembering your beautiful daughter, always.

  7. I understand how you feel and know you miss your daughter. I miss mine too , she passed away in March 2010.

    Please don't let people tell you how long you can or can not grieve for your child. However long you do, is however long you need too.

    I hope you find peace, comfort and understanding people to talk to about your angel.