I don't know how many other angel moms at this stage in their grief can identify with me, but I have been struggling lately. I desperately want to have a baby. I feel like it's not just a want, but a need at this point. And logically, I can think of a million reasons why we should go ahead and have a baby right now...and only one reason not to. The problem is that, that one reason may over shadow all of the logical reasons FOR trying for another baby now.
Am I ready? Are WE, as a family, ready? Will it set me back in my grief? Is it insane to want to have a baby right now? I feel like, I was ready, I was was prepared for a baby, I had made plans for the years to follow, WITH a new baby. I want to carry on with those plans, without having to stop them sometime down the road in order to have another child. I'm not done. I WANT 2 children running around my house. I don't want Dayne to be too old to really enjoy having a baby around. He was so excited...Is it fair to Dayne to try for another child so soon?
I do not understand this pull, this need that I'm feeling. I have tried to make myself realize that another baby won't make this pain stop, and still, I have that pull, that tick, tick, tick...
My thoughts and feelings these day are so jumbled, they are a mess. We are not going to try to have another baby right now. In the end, my worry for my family has caused me to push the idea down. We'll revisit it down the road. But I just don't understand why I am feeling this way...and I am reaching out...am I the only one?
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I am not in the same position as you are, but I can bet you are NOT the only one who feels this way. We didn't necessarily choose to get prenant as soon as we did after loosing Amelia, but it has prooven to be a difficult road. I believe that it would have been hard for me regardless of how much time passed between Amelia's birth and a new pregnancy. Grief doesn't go away, we deal with it a bit better over time. So, when you are ready (or not) just be gentle with yourself...because there will be painful parts to another pregnancy...no matter how much or little time passes.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this exact same post last night. Should we? Shouldn't we? We're dancing around the idea of trying to conceive here and it's got me feeling terrified and confused. I have no answers for you, just wanted to let you know I'm sitting next to you and asking the same questions.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the darkness of grief needs a little spark of light to become celebration of a memory. I think you and Steve are wonderful parents, to Dayne, to Alexandra, and I think you'll be wonderful parents to a new baby.
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one! I'm sure you will know exactly when the time is right, it's really up to you, but wanting another baby is only natural. XO
ReplyDeletei don't have any living children, and yes, i feel a NEED to be a mother to a living child. sometimes i feel like it's disloyal to kenny to be ready to try again so soon, and yet, i already feel too old, and i figure waiting will not bring kenny back, and will not bring me any closer to being a mom.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it has been hard, being pregnant with another child and focusing on this new life and the joy that brings has helped immensely in dealing with the pain for me. I don't feel like I am betraying Jacob at all because I am bringing life to one of his brothers and I know he is happy about that. You have moments of anxiety and unbearable pain and fear during the pregnancy after a loss, but overall it's been a huge blessing in my life and gives me something very positive to focus on.
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for an award in my blog. : ) <3
ReplyDeleteI've definitely felt this way. After Owen died, I felt like there was no way I'd be able to have joy again if I didn't have a living child in my arms after holding my lifeless son.
ReplyDeleteIt was ultimately 2.5 years after he died that we got our 'rainbow' baby.
The time was so beneficial for us, but it didn't feel beneficial. It felt like torture and I hated the waiting. I felt very much stuck.
I think waiting or not waiting is a deeply personal decision and you will figure out what's right for you.
All that to say, it's completely natural to feel what you're feeling. There's a hole in your life- everything was ready for change, for life and a new person running around your house. Another baby won't replace your Alexandra and I know you know that, but the grief and the hole and the longing are still there- waiting.
((big hugs))
p.s. have you checked out the MISS foundation? It is a great website. There are boards for support there and I've found great comfort and understanding from the women.
www.missfoundation.org