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Sunday, September 26, 2010


This summer was terrible. It was cooler than it usually is. It rained a lot. It snowed off and on into May and when it finally "warmed up" it was still barely warm enough to allow Dayne to play in his pool more than a handful of times. A lot of times, I felt like the weather was matching my mood. Still, there was a distinct change in the weather, the snow melted, the warm days came. There was that spring time smell.
For the last few weeks it's been fairly rainy. It got really cold for a few days and then, sometime in the middle of last week it started to warm up. That spring time smell came back. I was standing in the shower with the window open when it hit me the first time. Maybe it was a combination of my shampoo, or my soap and the spring smell the wafted in through the window, but a memory flashed through my mind. It was the days after we got home from the hospital, there was so much stuff to do and no time to stop and sit and stare. I remember thinking, as I showered those days, everyone says to take all the time you need, but really, there was no time.
I remember the emotions, but with the numbness slightly gone. It's like they are flooding back in, minus the buffer that my mind had put up. It started out as the flutter of a memory and got stronger and stronger as these days have gone by. At some point in the last day or two I started to realize that I have to cope with, not just the memories of pregnancy and the thought of all the things I've lost with my daughter, I also have to deal with the very vivid memories that come rushing back when I smell something, hear something, or see something that I came across in those very foggy days that followed the news of my daughter having no heart beat.
And I wonder, will there ever be a time when my day is not about what is there to trigger the sadness inside of me? When it's JUST about remembering Alexandra in a happy way and enjoying my very special family?

1 comment:

  1. Hello Missy,
    You don't know me, but I'm from the BBC boards...really random, but you made some good points on The Debate Team, and your signature led me to this blog. It brings tears to my eyes.

    I want to say "I'm sorry". I want to say "I'm so so sad that you had to experience this, the loss of a child is something no one should ever have to go through." Everything I come up with doesn't sound sincere enough. If I was in tears reading your blog, my sadness must be only a fraction of the pain you are feeling.

    I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've experienced loss, and I don't know if the pain ever goes away, but I do know that it gets less frequent.

    I admire your strength during these times...your little girl is so proud of you. I wish you and your family the very best in life.