September, 29th, 2010

It's been 5 months since I left the hospital with empty arms. 5 Months since I held my baby in the most natural way. 5 Months since I said the most heart wrenching goodbye. It's been 5 months, but it doesn't feel like it's been that long.
Today Alexandra walked with me through all of my movements. She sat at the forefront of every thought. She is there with me always, but today she monopolized each and every thought. I wanted to tell random strangers "My daughter would have been 5 months old today, but she did not live to celebrate"
When Dayne turned 6 months old I had a little party. Half a year...that will be next month. Alexandra's half year party, that people would think I was crazy for having, would have been next month. Instead, I will sit at the cemetery, with her headstone and her faded teddy bears.
Today I thought of, not just Alexandra, but two other angel babies as well. Little Valentina, who just had her 5 month birthday two days ago, and Alexandra's little friend that shares her name. I hope they are playing. I hope that they wished each other a happy 5 month birthday and a happy 10 month birthday.
Today was made busy not by my own hands but by errands and picture day a Dayne's school, but I am glad that I wasn't here, all alone thinking about how sad I am.
This has been the most difficult 5 months of my life, but Alexandra makes me stronger every day and I look forward to the day when it's more celebration and a little less sadness.