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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Everything Happens For A Reason...

Even people that have lost say this. I have never really thought for a second that there was some great reason for my daughter not being born living. I know that I have turned lemons into lemonade, so to speak, when I began to use this horrible experience to try to help other people and educate other people, but I don't believe that there was some greater plan. I can't believe that...In fact, it actually makes me cringe when I hear someone else say it in regards to a loss...even their own. I would never say anything, if that is what helps them, then that is what helps them. It's not my place to judge, but it still causes a negative reaction in me every time.
I do know that from the loss of Alexandra, I have learned some things. I have learned a lot about myself, about my relationship with Steve, about Dayne and how inspirational he can be. I have also learned a lot about people that I felt were very close to me. People that I would have dropped everything in my life to help if they had lost their child, people that did not offer me the same courtesy.
I work hard every day to not be bitter. I know the other loss moms here know what I am talking's HARD work, but sometimes some bitter feelings sneak in and take over. I always feel guilty about having these feelings. Negative emotions, negative feelings, bitter thoughts, they don't help spread Alexandra's memory in a good way. Complaining about everyone that has said something stupid to me, or everyone who didn't call when they should have, didn't come when they should have, didn't say what they should have, complaining about these people only uses up energy that would be better spent elsewhere.
Knowing that my energy is better spent spreading good thoughts about my daughter and actually being able to turn the negative into positive are not always in line with each other though. For the last little while I have been feeling especially bitter about certain aspects of my life. I get the twinge of how unfair this is often, but this is different.
I am sad to say that I have lost friends because of the loss of my daughter. When I didn't need anymore loss, when I didn't need anymore hurt, it happened. All I wanted was for the people that I really care about to be there for me...many were, I really shouldn't complain, so many people rallied around me. At the same time, some people that I really thought would have been there, have all but abandoned me. I could list them, they don't read my blog, but I will refrain.
I try to be understanding, I try to force myself to realize that not everyone knows what to say or how to act, that some people are so uncomfortable about my loss that they simply cannot be around me anymore. But then it dawns on's not about them...It's about me. Is it not the job of a true friend to rise above their own discomfort in order to support a friend in need?
I have to admit that, while I have been deeply hurt by the actions (or non actions, as it may be) of some people, I have been truly amazed by some others that have stepped up and let me know that they are there for me.
My advice? If you don't know what to say, just say you're there. Saying nothing hurts more than saying something stupid. If you are uncomfortable and don't know what to do, ask. Disappearing is like inflicting another loss on top of the already devastating loss someone is going through. Ask what you can do, be honest about your comfort level and your fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, it will be well received...more so than if you vanish or ignore what has happened.
My daughter was real and she was alive and I want people to acknowledge this. I want people to understand my need to hear her talked about, to have her acknowledged, to have her accepted as a part of the family that was sadly lost, way too soon.


  1. She was real and it is hard to not have the acknowledgement of her life and the emptiness her death has brought.

    I dont often think "it happened for a reason" however I do think about Bobby and Maya alot, how they wouldnt be here if my life had been different. I would have wanted them, but I dont know that we would have tried again so soon if we had Nicholas and Sophia or Alexander. I look back now, almost a year after Bobby and Maya were born, and cant imagine TTC and bringing another baby into the world. And yet, I cant imagine life without any of our children. It is hard to try and put the pieces all together so that they fit when they dont really have the edges to fit together at all...

  2. Losing friends definitely doesn't make this loss easier and is terribly frustrating. I agree that saying something is better than saying nothing at all or refusing to acknowledge Alexandra. ((((HUGS)))) to you.