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Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I drink coffee with a straw. Well, actually, I drink everything but water and tea with a straw. I always cry when animal rescue commercials come one. I have loved the paranormal ever since I was little.
When Steve is going to arrive somewhere and he calls to tell them when he'll be there, he always uses odd amounts of time. "I'll be there in 12/33/7 minutes." He has a particular order in which everything has to be done. He only likes to wear white running shoes. He has an emotionless outward demeanour, but the softest heart I have ever known.
When Dayne eats spreadable cheese and crackers, he always has to cover every little bit of the cracker before he can eat it. Before he will leave me, any time, he HAS to say "I love you mommy, you're the bestest mommy in the whole world, and you look beautiful. and I love you" and I HAVE to reply "I love you Dayne, you're the bestest Dayne in the whole world, and you look handsome, and I love you." He is incredibly shy until you get to know him.
Every time we let the dog out, he goes into the back yard and rolls around on the grass making a noise that sounds just like a bear. We always joke that there's a bear in the back yard. He is humongous, but he thinks he's a lap dog. He gets up on the bed every morning to greet Dayne, he sniffs his face and ears to say good morning. When he gets excited, he carries around one of Dayne's teddy bears.
I often wonder what Alexandra's little quirks would be. What would her taste be like? I have ideas about how she would be. I knew how it would be when she was a baby, how I would dress her, what I would buy for her, but I think a lot about how she would have grown. Would Alexandra have chosen pants and a baseball glove over pretty little dresses and tea sets?
Would she have been as particular as her big brother and daddy?
There are a few things I know though. I know that Alexandra would have had the same values as our family. She would have always said please and thank you, she would have said excuse me when she wanted to interrupt other people that were talking. She would have had manners. She would have understood that all living things are special and she would have loved animals. It's why we chose the picture for her headstone that we chose. It perfectly described our family. It was one of the only things that was a guarantee in our minds.
I missed out on so many things with my daughter. I missed out on seeing all of the little quirks that make me smile about the people that I love. I can only hope now that she is not missing out on all of our little oddities, that she is around us, watching us and smiling when she sees Dayne making cheese and crackers, or the dog rolling around in the backyard growling like a bear. I wonder if she is sitting beside Steve as he drives his dump truck. I am sure she is proud of what a great man her daddy is and what a great boy her brother is. I am sure she has looked in on our dog and giggled as he slept on the couch, snoring away, like an old man. I wonder if she is here with me, when I am alone and thinking of her.
We are missing out on her, but I hope that she is not missing out on us.


  1. Aw, the picture is lovely. So very sweet.

  2. i just hate so much all the things we will never get to know about our children. every time i think about it, i get angry. i love what you said about knowing alexandra would have had manners. some things are a given, and in our family, that is definitely true, too!

  3. She is there. This post brought tears to my eyes.

  4. I love that picture. I wish so much you could have gotten to know Alexandra's little quirks. xo