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Friday, November 5, 2010

The Coffee Ritual

Today, as I cleaned my mug I thought about my new morning ritual. It used to include my High Prairie mug. I bought it when we were visiting family there a few years ago and I love it. I remember thinking "Who knew there would be a high prairie mug??" I collect mugs.
Last Friday was Alexandra's six month birthday and my mom gave me a new mug. I had asked Steve for this mug for my birthday, but he forgot, so I pointed it out to my mom for Christmas. Well, she chose to give it to me on Friday because it has some significance. On one side of the mug it says "Special moments take our breath away" and on the other side it says "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away" Ahhh, I get teary just typing it out.
So, my morning ritual changed slightly and I now use my new and very special mug. (No offense High Prairie!)
The reason my coffee ritual is so special is because it's different. A lot as changed since we lost Alexandra, but a lot has stayed the same. All of my routine is the same, and sometimes it's hard, sometimes it makes me sad. To stand in the shower, not with a baby in her swing right there in the bathroom with me so I can keep an eye on her, not with my big pregnant belly. Alone without my daughter. To take my time getting ready because Dayne is self sufficient. No diapers to change, no baby to feed. I anticipated how my day to day routine would change and then it didn't.
So, I started having coffee in the morning. I didn't drink coffee while I was pregnant, I was way too sick to have it even if I had wanted a cup. Before I was pregnant I would drink coffee by the pot, but I was at work when I did it, so this is different.
Now, I make my coffee, which completely interrupts my regular routine. And I sit and I drink my coffee, while I watch a show, sit on the computer, visit with Dayne. It's always a peaceful moment though...An entirely new moment, not a reminder of anything, not a trigger for anything, just a new moment that is mine. And while sometimes I feel guilty for wanting that new moment, I know that it's ok.

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