Yesterday I was walking to pick up Dayne from school and I noticed a bunch of birds, I think they were pigeon's, flying around in circles. They flew around and around, higher, then lower. I could hear their wings flapping, and when they would come down, I could actually FEEL a little gust of wind as they passed over my head. It was amazing, I watched them flying and thought about Alexandra. I thought about if this was one of her gifts. Maybe. As I kept walking I noticed a bird's nest in a tree. It's something new that I do. No matter how fast I'm going, no matter how much of a hurry I'm in, I look around. I don't have to slow down to take notice of something small, but amazing.
This is another thing that has changed since we lost Alexandra. Now I think, if I had known when I was pregnant, what I know now, I would have been grateful for every kick, I would have taken notice more. I would never have complained, not one complaint about my nausea or my pain. Not one grumble about not sleeping, or being uncomfortable. I would have been so much more grateful for it all.
If I ever have another child, I will be thankful for every single moment, every single second. I will slow down, and if I can't slow down, I will look more closely. I wish that I didn't have to lose my daughter to learn all of these lessons.
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I feel the same way...
ReplyDeleteI was so sick with Claire that I complained constantly. I was so tired and felt so run down so early. Once I lost her I began to think about how lucky I was to have carried her and I made a vow to myself that if I got the chance to carry another baby I would try not to complain as much knowing how lucky I would be.
Here I am at 30 weeks with my rainbow and there are days when I do complain a little but in the back of my mind I am repeating to myself, "At least the baby is still alive." It sounds morbid but heck it's what I've got to do. I also vowed that I would not complain about being overdue, if/when that time comes. I've been there and the waiting is awful but it in no way compares to how awful it is to have your baby die.
Good for you for taking it all in. Like you said, it is unfortunate that we had to learn through losing our children how to take in the little beautiful wonders however it makes us all the more grateful in the long run.
xo