Today I had to take Dayne to the doctor. As we sat waiting, I scanned the room. On the other side of the room from us was a woman, I don't know her, I have never seen her, but she was there, with an infant carseat, all covered up with little girly blanket. I averted my eyes, Dayne and I looked through a book about cats.
We continued to wait and as we did I kept trying to avoid looking at this woman. At one point, I looked towards that clock and caught a glimpse of the woman. She had taken her baby out of the carrier, she was holding the little girl, who was about the age Alexandra would be. Something inside me started to tingle. Something, somewhere within myself began to well up...It was hate.
Right after we lost her, seeing babies Alexandra's age didn't bother me so much. It was more of a tiny stabbing pain in my heart. Hearing a baby cry though, was like a thousand burning knives being driven into my heart. It made me so sad. Well, now things have changed, just seeing a cute, giggly baby that is around the age that Alexandra should be, sends me someplace deep within myself, some place that I don't really like.
So, as we sat there, I continued to try to avoid looking in the direction of the baby. I could hear the mom talking to someone, laughing and I hated. I hated her. How could I hate someone that I have never met? I started to battle within myself. I told myself to stop being so ridiculous, and the angry hateful me continued to rage away.
The woman got up to take her baby to the bathroom, right in front of me. I didn't think I could handle it. "Should I leave?" I asked myself. But I stayed, sitting very still, staring down at the cat book with all my might. And when she went into the office, she walked past again, and again I stared downward, viciously staring at the floor.
It's jealousy, you know. The unexplained hate for somebody that has something that I desperately want...I was green with envy. And I don't know how to fix this, is this just another phase of grief that I have to go through? Will this pass?
I don't want to be a bitter, jealous person. I don't want any negativity surrounding Alexandra's memory. It is so hard to get past this negative energy. Why is it so difficult to let go of the bad and hold onto the good?
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It is hard. It will get easier. I used to do the same thing... I would look and look and then avert my eyes and try not to cry but all the while still looking back. It is all natural and it will pass in time. It may be a while though and be gentle on yourself.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that always helped me (not to impose my way, just trying to help) was thinking that maybe, just maybe, that mother had struggled to bring that baby into the world too. You never do know anyone's story. She may have been in our shoes at one point. Not that we wish that upon anyone at all... it just helped me to not stress or get as anxious around others. I hope this helps a little.
xo
I have a son that is 28 months old and has developmental issues. Not the same, I know but I always feel that envy when I see a healthy little boy that is doing all the normal things my son can not do. I hate the feeling but I go feel it. HUGS my heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteI think jealousy is a natural part of grief and I struggle with the same battle myself from time to time. I definitely think allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, however irrational it may be is ok. I have definitely felt jealous of a stranger who has a daughter the same age as my Lilly would have been and I like you so do not like to feel jealous.
ReplyDeleteI feel this so much too. I feel this hot white fire burning from my heart, and I almost wish tragedy upon them... ALMOST. Its pure envy, pure jealousy. The only thing that helps me is what Jaime said- thinking that I don't know the whole story.
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way right now. Except this person that I am jealous of, I DO know her story. She has 2 beautiful daughters, one the same age as my older daughter. She is expecting another baby in March and I just found out it was another girl. I am so angry and jealous that I don't know what to do with myself. I lost my infant daughter 6 weeks ago. And this woman is an awesome person, but her kids go to the same baby-sitter as my daughter, so I am going to have to see this baby every day. How am I supposed to handle that?
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