Yesterday I went to get my hair cut. I went back to my favorite stylist so she could cut my hair and wax my eyebrows. I love her because she's sweet, kind and quiet and she does a killer job. I have loved every style she has chosen for me. I was excited to get to go and even more excited when I saw her sitting there. I followed her to the chair to have my eyebrows done and sat there, head back, with my eyes closed until she was done.
When I sat down she asked how Dayne was doing and if he liked school and I babbled on about how great he is and how he loves school and just got an award. When I stopped talking she took a step back, turned sideways and announced that she is going to be a mom soon too. I looked down at her belly, which her apron and layered black clothing seemed to conceal and realized that, indeed, there was a very large baby belly. I felt three things, first, a very sharp pain in my chest, with the thought "I just CANNOT get away from pregnant women!" and then I felt excitement for her, because she was clearly SOOO happy and then I felt envy.
I brushed it all aside and carefully asked her if she was excited and when she was due...I didn't know what else to do. At some point, after a short silence, she asked me "So, do you plan to have more kids?" and Alexandra's story tumbled out. She asked what happened and I told her that it was a cord accident, she seemed scared and I immediately thought that I should not have spoken. I tried to reassure her by telling her that cord accidents are fairly rare. I felt like I betrayed someone when I said that though. I guess still haven't figured out what to do, how to handle these sorts of things.
And I still feel badly and worry that she's now at home scared that her baby is going to get a knot in it's cord. Maybe one day this will not be such a taboo thing to talk about.
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:( Don't feel like you scared her, people never really know how to react or what to say after innocent baby talk. I remember after Alexandra died, it took me forever to work up the guts to go back to my salon. I was so afraid of facing any questions about it, but when I finally did go, it wasn't bad at all. ((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI always feel like I can't talk to pregnant women, like I can't even SPEAK to them, because 1- babyloss is contagious in my mind and 2- because I know they will fear me and fear my story. I had a colleague email me recently (she had a baby about a month after me) and confess that she hid me on FB for the last seven months. She felt awful, I felt awful. We all felt awful. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI understand both sides, because I have been on both sides during the last year. It sucks on both sides. I want to talk about Jacob and acknowledge his life, but I do refrain around pregnant women because I understand. When you are pregnant again after a loss, every day is a battle. I have to keep my mind focused on the positives or else I go crazy. I don't have a hard time talking about my loss because it was the second trimester and I am way beyond that. But full term losses or nearly full term losses are something I try not to think about, just for my own sanity. It's a hard road to travel on both sides.
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