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Wednesday, November 17, 2010


When Alexandra was born there was a snow storm. We get those spring time snow storms here sometimes and they are always the best because it just dumps on us, but it's not that cold so the snow is sticky and it hangs onto the trees and bushes and makes everything look like it's covered in clouds. To be honest, I hate the every other kind of snow, it's too cold and too slippery.
So, when it first snowed a few weeks ago, I thought about Alexandra and what she was thinking of the snow. I dismissed it because it wasn't much snow and she already knows about snow, after all, it was snowing like crazy the night before she was born and it snowed the day after he burial. Well, Monday night it snowed again here. It's our first real snow fall this winter (fall?), and it wasn't just a little bit. On Monday when I picked Dayne up from school I carried my coat, as we were walking to my sister's house the wind started to get cold and I could feel the snow coming. By the time I went to bed it was coming down and the weather network said to expect 10 -15 cm's of snow through the night and the next day. Yesterday my sister told me that my nephew stepped into a snow drift up to his waist. Of course it's not like that everywhere, but there is a lot of snow. Today the snow is past Dayne's boot line in most places and they said another 10cm's is to be expected. I quickly discovered walking to school today wasn't an option when we got half way across the park and he told me there was snow in his boot and I lifted his snow pants to find that his boots were filled with snow, despite two pairs of pant linings being shoved into them.
Yesterday, after we took Dayne to school we went to the cemetery to visit Alexandra. It was cold and it was still snowing and as I stood there I thought about the snow. I thought that maybe she wanted me to like the snow, maybe Alexandra would have loved the snow and that's why it snowed the day she was born. Maybe I should warm up to the idea of snow and winter. I thought about how she had never seen snow like THIS and I wondered what she thought of it. Is she hanging out with her angel friends, sledding? Would she be like her mama and hate the cold and everything that comes with it, especially snow? Or would she love it? I wonder if we would have been paying for snowboarding lessons instead of dance lessons once she was old enough to choose and I thought about how I would tease her about making mommy go out in the cold.
Those kind of thoughts are good and bad. They are good because they make me feel close to Alexandra, it's almost like a memory...of something that never happened, if that makes any sense. At the same time, they hurt because I'm missing out on so much. I don't know if Alexandra would have liked snow...I don't know anything that she would have liked, and that thought breaks my heart.
So many things are double edged swords...I guess this is one of those examples of something that you have to take the good with the bad with.

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