Sometimes I notice that I cling to things. Odd things, that hurt me, but yet, I cling to them. Every few weeks I receive something in the mail from a formula or diaper company. I could contact them and stop these items from arriving, but I don't. They are currently piling up in one corner of Alexandra's crib. It started with me thinking that I would just keep them for a little while and then I would give them to someone I know who has a baby. After a while that green eyed monster got in the way of that. I don't want to give Alexandra's things to anyone else. Then I thought I would go through them all and keep the samples that were good for a really long time, maybe one day I would need them. But even that has passed and yet, I keep collecting these pieces of junk mail, meant to be used on Alexandra's needs.
I have also been clinging to the emails..."Your baby at 6 months" and other such subject lines pop up in my inbox and while I delete them, I refuse to unsubscribe.
These things hurt me. The sting when I'm having a bad day is horrific, on a good day, it's enough to bring me down for the rest of the day...and yet I refuse to decline these things, to unsubscribe, to tell them that my baby did not make it home. It's like...if I don't tell them, they are remembering her, but if I do, they will delete my email from their lists and Alexandra will forever be erased from their memory.
I know it's absolutely ridiculous, I am an address or an email address on a list and no one really knows me or actually thinks about little Alexandra when they send these things, but still, I cling...and I will continue to, for how long, I really have no idea.
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I think it's best that you do what you need to right now to get through every day.
ReplyDeleteI know that after I lost Claire I could not let go of my Baby Center updates. It was absolute torture some days but it was what I felt I needed at the time.
There may come a time when you feel alright letting go... and then again you may want to hold on to keep Alexandra close to you... and that is okay too.
xo
That's interesting. I, too, saved the formula samples that don't expire in the next year, hoping I will need them. There is one container that expires too soon for me to ever be able to use, and it has been sitting on the counter in the kitchen. I wanted to give it to someone who could use it, but haven't been able to bring it up to anyone I know that has a baby. That would require me to ask about their baby :(
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you keep the e-mails and stuff. I deleted those, they depressed me too much. But, do what works for you.
I just read your entire blog from start to finish. What a touching and poignant tribute to your beautiful baby girl. You write in a way that is raw and powerfully moving. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this, I (like numerous others, I bet) will be hugging my two girls a little tighter today. In this way, Alexandra's sweet little spirit carries on.