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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Little Things

I just wanted to talk about the little things that I do to keep Alexandra with me. I was thinking about these things and wondering if I'm the only one that does strange little things in the name of my lost child.
On Alexandra's six month birthday I packed my day with things to keep me busy. I shopped. I bought a few interesting things. I often comment about how easy it would be for me to become a hoarder. I will see something and make a connection with it and I must make it mine. It's usually something odd, something that really isn't good for anything. On that day, I was making connections with things...I was seeking connections with things. Things to hold onto. I bought pretty boxes and said they were for Christmas gifts, but nothing I have bought will fit in these boxes...I know that I will end up keeping them forever, looking at them every now and then, thinking about how pretty they are. I will never gift them to anyone like I said I would. One box is a Winnie The Pooh box. I thought of my Aunt Alison when I saw it and I picked it up to examine it. Along the outside of the lid it says "Christmas is generally regarded as one of the most grandest holidays!" I thought that sounded silly and I opened the box to see if anything was in it. It was empty but when you open this box it smells like Cinnamon sticks. The combination of a reminder of someone I loved, the cute pictures, silly saying and the wonderful smell, I HAD to have it.

As I continued shopping I found a mop doll. Now I must admit that I had seen this doll before and I looked at it, considered buying it and put it back because I thought it would absorb too much water at the cemetery. When I went back to this store on Alexandra's six month birthday, the doll was still there. Handmade and very cute. I picked it up and held it and wondered how it would be at the cemetery. My heart told me that it was still there for a reason and I must purchase it before someone else found it. The doll is unique and she's special and I made the decision later that day that she wouldn't go to the cemetery. She would be a gift for Alexandra that stayed at home, in Alexandra's bedroom, in her crib. And I imagined how happy Alexandra would have been, if she was alive, to get a new and very special doll.

That day I also connected with two things for me. I'll be honest and tell you that everyone that has seen these two items has made the same comments. The items are a scarf (I collect scarves) and a pair of gloves. The comment about the scarf is that it's ugly and people think of Harry Potter when they see. But I love the red and cream striped scarf. I have never seen Harry Potter, so I don't understand the connection, all I know is that the scarf wraps twice around my neck and still falls all the way past my waist. Super long scarves are my favorite.
The reaction to the gloves is more entertaining for me. They are the kind of gloves that turn into mittens...but with a twist. No one can understand why I bought them. Steve actually said "What were you thinking? You bought them as a joke right?" as he laughed at my very original taste in clothing items. Everyone agrees though, the gloves are me, they suit my personality perfectly and the scarf, well, it's a scarf and it will keep me warm...and I love it.

It's funny these little things that I connect to, or connect Alexandra to. I have a wind up ceramic mouse that my Grandma gave me a very long time ago and I connect it to Alexandra. It actually sits in her room, on her dresser and sometimes I go in there and wind it up, so she can hear Schubert's lullaby, like I used to when I was a little girl.

Sometimes I wonder when it will be enough, will I collect little things that connect me to her forever? Will my connection change to something else? I don't know, but as long as I feel her around me and have something to bring me closer to her, I will be able to continue on, living without her here with me every day.


  1. All those are so precious! I love the Winnie the Pooh box. I think it's great you have things to keep Alexandra close. I do the same. XO

  2. I have started a collection of 'small' things for Aidan too. Mine tend to center around nature: like the smallest acorn I can find (which is good because it's free) or the absolutely smallest thing I can find in a store. I was out a few weeks ago and found the tiniest little heart magnet. I had to have it as a 'gift' for Aidan. I have all of these treasures on a shelf surrounding his foot moulds. I now just tend to connect him to 'small' and if it's small and adorable it must be his.

  3. I have collected Christmas ornaments for years and last year HAD to have one for Claire. I have a new one for her this year and will be on the search for another for next year very soon!

    I look for her in every baby or little girl item I see. I think it is natural and normal for us to want and need to have things for our little ones... it is our way of keeping their spirit alive and giving us that maternal feeling of spoiling our babe.

    I plan on collecting forever... just so you know and don't feel so alone! ;)


  4. I think if you want to buy for Alexandra you should, and I think its sweet that you have items that you connect her with and feel close to her. I myself have planned to buy Lilly a stocking for Christmas to hang and if I feel like buying for her I plan on doing so. We have ornaments in our family as tradition, I may buy her an ornament every year to put on the tree. Its so difficult to know whether our actions are right or wrong, but if it feels right to you it is. *hugs*