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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Craft Sales

Yesterday I think I got a taste of Christmas. Last year I attended this big craft sale by my house. Yesterday I attended it again. Last year I was pregnant and sick, but I had so much fun. Yesterday it was another bittersweet moment. As I walked around there were tables set up with tutu's and hair bows, with blankets and little pink sweaters. Last year I was excited for these things, I bought little hats and booties. Yesterday I avoided them like the plague.
I stopped at a table where a woman was selling ornaments and teddy bears. She took such care and paid such close attention to details when she decorated these items. They had little rings on their hands, little anklets and bracelets, the bears even wore earrings. I fell in love with a little pink bear and I bought it for Alexandra's memory box (which is quickly becoming a trunk) I bought an ornament, a little angel kitty cat, with a pink dress. It was just precious. And as the woman wrapped the items and placed them in the the bag she spoke to them, telling them to behave at their new home and saying goodbye. She clearly put a lot of heart into the things that she made.
Her tone reminded me of the nurse at the hospital that helped us bath Alexandra. So gentle and so kind. She knew that the bear and the ornament weren't alive and weren't going to talk back, but she didn't care. I had such an urge to tell her that these were special gifts for my baby that was born sleeping. I didn't say it though, the idea of telling a stranger and making her sad because of the feelings that I was having, it didn't feel fair. But those purchases set my mood a little lighter. And as I looked around at other items, I felt good that Alexandra was included.
It was hard though, the Christmas music played and there were happy people doing happy Christmas shopping and it just reminded me over and over that the special gifts I would have been buying for Alexandra won't be bought. There will be no tiny pink gifts under the tree, no baby's first Christmas ornaments and little red dresses. It's not going to happen for me and that really stings.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I completely understand what you experienced. Last year, as I had just learned the news about Amelia being terminal ~ around Thanksgiving ~ the holiday season was just not special anymore. On Christmas, I watched the festivities with sadness knowing that even though Amelia was alive inside me, she would never see a Christmas again. Never have a birthday, never eat turkey or eggnog.

    Today, walking around Kohl's (trying to use my $10 certificate) I walked through the baby isle. I cringed as I thought about buying this baby something to come home from the hospital in. The whole time I wondered if this baby will really come home with us or not. Everything I saw instead reminded me of Amelia and how she isn't here, even when I tried to focus on this new life.

    I left without an outfit. I still can't bring myself to HOPE that much yet.