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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Clinging

Sometimes I notice that I cling to things. Odd things, that hurt me, but yet, I cling to them. Every few weeks I receive something in the mail from a formula or diaper company. I could contact them and stop these items from arriving, but I don't. They are currently piling up in one corner of Alexandra's crib. It started with me thinking that I would just keep them for a little while and then I would give them to someone I know who has a baby. After a while that green eyed monster got in the way of that. I don't want to give Alexandra's things to anyone else. Then I thought I would go through them all and keep the samples that were good for a really long time, maybe one day I would need them. But even that has passed and yet, I keep collecting these pieces of junk mail, meant to be used on Alexandra's needs.
I have also been clinging to the emails..."Your baby at 6 months" and other such subject lines pop up in my inbox and while I delete them, I refuse to unsubscribe.
These things hurt me. The sting when I'm having a bad day is horrific, on a good day, it's enough to bring me down for the rest of the day...and yet I refuse to decline these things, to unsubscribe, to tell them that my baby did not make it home. It's like...if I don't tell them, they are remembering her, but if I do, they will delete my email from their lists and Alexandra will forever be erased from their memory.
I know it's absolutely ridiculous, I am an address or an email address on a list and no one really knows me or actually thinks about little Alexandra when they send these things, but still, I cling...and I will continue to, for how long, I really have no idea.

3 comments:

  1. I think it's best that you do what you need to right now to get through every day.

    I know that after I lost Claire I could not let go of my Baby Center updates. It was absolute torture some days but it was what I felt I needed at the time.

    There may come a time when you feel alright letting go... and then again you may want to hold on to keep Alexandra close to you... and that is okay too.

    xo

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  2. That's interesting. I, too, saved the formula samples that don't expire in the next year, hoping I will need them. There is one container that expires too soon for me to ever be able to use, and it has been sitting on the counter in the kitchen. I wanted to give it to someone who could use it, but haven't been able to bring it up to anyone I know that has a baby. That would require me to ask about their baby :(

    I can't believe you keep the e-mails and stuff. I deleted those, they depressed me too much. But, do what works for you.

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  3. I just read your entire blog from start to finish. What a touching and poignant tribute to your beautiful baby girl. You write in a way that is raw and powerfully moving. Thank you for sharing your story.

    After reading this, I (like numerous others, I bet) will be hugging my two girls a little tighter today. In this way, Alexandra's sweet little spirit carries on.

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