This is a word I hear a lot, Strength. Or more often, Strong. People tell women that survive after a loss such as this that we are all so strong. "I don't know how I would function if I lost my child, you're so strong"
My answer to that is, "You would function much the same way I am..."
I am not strong.
Strength is not what gets me through the days and through the nights. Strong is not a word I would use to describe myself. For me it's a combination of things. Dayne, Steve, and Kaney are at the forefront, I can't check out on them. But if not for them, I would still function...though I'm sure in a very different way.
When you lose your child, your heart does not stop with theirs, though sometimes you wish it had. It's that tiny little fact that keeps you going...you have no choice. My heart continued to beat, even though my daughter's did not.
I feel like this is probably a very dark post, and honestly it's coming from a fairly dark place, but my mind has been boggled since I lost my daughter, by that word - Strength. It is not my word, it is not my life, it is not ME.
I am not strong.
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well i for one think that you're strong ENOUGH.
ReplyDeleteyou can either choose to live your life, or choose to not.
*i* admire your strength...whether you see it or not, it IS there.
and i don't think that this is a dark post at all; you are opening your soul for others to see...to feel...to empathize...to learn from...and maybe even to understand what it is to face such awfulness.
<3 to you.
i totally get what you're saying. i wrote an entry on the same topic a while back. to me, strength is *choosing* to do something difficult, and sticking it out until you reach your goal. i sure as hell didn't choose to lose my son. what choice did i have but to keep on living life? bills have to be paid, laundry has to be cleaned, and on and on and on...
ReplyDeleteand wallowing and refusing to function would not get me any closer to being a mother to a living child.
i SO get it!
Oh yuck! You get the "you're such a strong mama..." stuff too!? Ugh!
ReplyDeleteIt's not my strength that keeps me going, it's God. I cannot do this on my own. My husband cannot do this on his own.
Right now its the numbness of grief that propels us forward, enables us to put one foot in front of the other. We keeping going because our babies wouldn't want us to wallow in misery forever.
Do NOT say how strong we are. It annoys us, irritates us, grates on our nerves. DO say "I am amazed at how you are able to get through each day. I realize it is hard and I'm praying/thinking about you constantly." Bar none, a hug says more and does much more for us than anything else.