August 21st, 2010

This last week has been hard. I don't know why. I have been getting used to one bad day here or there, but a whole week of horrible hasn't happened to me for quite some time. I don't know how it began, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no slow creeping, just SLAM! Everything hurts.
We went to the store to find new shoes for Dayne. WHY does the little baby girl stuff have to be so close to the small boy stuff? It doesn't even make sense to have baby girl stuff there, but yet, there it is. Taunting me. Chanting about how I don't have a little baby girl to put those cute little clothes on. I tried to avoid looking at them, but at some point I noticed these little boots. They were brown and had little flowers on them. They were SO tiny. They probably wouldn't have even fit Alexandra, she had big feet. But, I had seen them last year and I wanted to buy them for her. They were on sale and as I looked at them I thought about how excited I would have been. I would have made Steve buy them right there, with talk about how important these boots were for Alexandra, and what a good deal it was, you couldn't pass it up! And tears tickled my eyelashes.
We had just come from the cemetery. We normally go on Sunday, but we went on Thursday to see if Alexandra's headstone was there. We had been told that her headstone would be installed this week (over a month late) it wasn't there and I was hurt. Of course we have to wait, of course we do. I just felt down.
When we got home, I emailed about the headstone and within minutes got an "out of office" email back. It said that no one was in the office until the 23rd or 24th. As I cut up potatoes for dinner, I cried. It was a total break down. I thought that our daughter would never get her headstone. I thought that it wasn't fair that we had to wait so long. I thought that it wasn't fair that I was worrying about a headstone when I should be worrying about spit-up and lack of sleep from getting up in the night with a baby. Nothing felt fair and there seemed to be nothing I could do to get out of the funk that I was in.
We did get an email back from about the headstone later though. It said that it would be installed late Friday or early Saturday. We are going today, as soon as Steve is done work, to see it. I hope that they have come through on their word this time and that it is there when we get there. I don't want to think about how much it will hurt me if it's not there.