August 29th, 2010

Yesterday Alexandra would have been 4 months old. Yesterday was also Dayne's birthday party. It was a hectic day, but it was a nice day and I believe that Alexandra was watching over Dayne as he played at Chuck E Cheese and opened his presents. She was there to watch him blow out the candles on his Buzz Lightyear cake and his Batman cake. She was there beside me, pushing me forward, saying "Mama, it's ok to laugh and smile, today is a happy day!" There was an air about the day, a calm amidst the chaos.
No one at the party mentioned Alexandra. I brought her up several times, much to everyone's shock and dismay. A few people commented on how they hadn't planned on mentioning her. I heard about how this was a day of celebration and they didn't want to bring it down by talking about the baby lost. I kept mentioning her...If people see that it's ok, maybe they won't think of my daughter as an off limits subject. She is not a subject and she is most certainly NOT off limits. She is my daughter! She is not here with us right now, but we love her and we miss her and we talk about her often, and it's ok.
That's what I want everyone to know. It's ok to talk about my daughter. It's ok to bring her up...please do, it would make me very happy to hear her talked about by someone other than myself. To hear someone say, "I bet Alexandra is smiling watching Dayne right now" or even "I bet Alexandra would have loved this"
I put her angel wings on her bedroom door, in a frame. I hoped that someone would comment on them, or stop and look so I could explain that these were Alexandra's wings...No one did.
I am sad that I don't have my daughter. It is depressing that she isn't here...But my baby is not a sad secret! She's not something that we shouldn't talk about, I want the world to hear her name, if we don't talk about her, how will her memory ever live on?