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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dayne's Birthday

Today is Dayne's birthday. My boy is 5 years old today...he starts school next week. It makes me sad. Something that I struggle with is how quickly Dayne is growing. I used to make jokes about how he's supposed to stay little forever. I have almost made similar jokes recently and I stop myself. I feel guilty making these jokes.
Alexandra will never get older, she will stay a baby forever, she will never grow. I feel like I am subconsciously wishing something bad to happen when I say that I wish Dayne would stay a little guy forever. I feel guilty when I say things like "My baby is 5"
My BABY is almost 4 months old. My little boy is 5. How can words change so much? I have always called Dayne my baby and I have always told him that he was going to be my baby forever and now those words stir up such sad emotions in me.
I wonder if words will ever, ever be normal again? Will I always cringe when someone refers to their living child as an angel? Will it always make me feel guilty to wish that Dayne would stay my little guy forever? Will I always feel this way about these things that used to be so normal to me?
Words used to mean nothing and now, they mean everything.
Happy Birthday to Dayne, from his baby sister in heaven. His birthday wish is that his baby sister in heaven can see him open and play with his birthday gifts.


  1. There is so much guilt, isnt there? So much... for so many things...

  2. I think we are just more sensitive to every way. I find that it's words and actions that hurt or cause more sensitivity. But I also find that I'm more empathetic too. Don't be hard on yourself for being sensitive...just understand that this is where you are. Hoping that words don't hurt so much someday...