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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Dream

I read a lot of loss blogs and I read a lot about moms having dreams about their babies lost. I was always a little jealous, I thought that if I just had a dream and Alexandra was OK, I would somehow feel just a little bit better.
Last night, I had that dream. That dream that I have been waiting for. I sat in a room with my daughter in my arms. Her head at my knees, as I was bent over cooing to her, talking to her. She looked just like I remember, only her eyes were open, and she was full of life. In my dream, there was no shock, it was as if she was never gone, she had always been here with me.
She lifted her head, just a little bit and snuggled it up to my face. That's when I woke up. It was such a short dream. And, though her eyes were open, I don't remember what they looked like. And thought she was full of life and the dream was completely calm and happy, when I woke, I was swept over by sadness.
I thought the dream would make me feel better, instead, it reminded me, even more, of what I have lost; of what I am missing out on. That stings terribly.
And I'm torn. I want to dream of my angel again, to see her living, and happy, and cuddling up to her mama, the way it SHOULD be, but the sadness it brings, is almost unbearable.


  1. ((hugs)) I have dreamt of alyssa only twice as a baby, all the other times she is older and out of my reach. One of the baby dreams my MIL was holding her and I was looking from afar. In my only dream where I held her she was so alive and it was a reannactment of her day she was born, in the dream I was able to look at all the parts I ever wanted to see and kiss her more and hug her more. WHen I woke up I was so happy I got to have the dream of holding her, and then reality set in that it was 'just' a dream. I like to think that she was letting me do what I most dreaded about not was so sweet and this whole journey is filled with bitter sweet moments

  2. I know. When I had my dream that V was alive... it was the most incredible feeling. I actually felt what it must feel like to have a living baby- that joy that is unique to motherhood. When I woke, I burst into tears immediately. But I want to feel it again anyway..