The Dream

I read a lot of loss blogs and I read a lot about moms having dreams about their babies lost. I was always a little jealous, I thought that if I just had a dream and Alexandra was OK, I would somehow feel just a little bit better.
Last night, I had that dream. That dream that I have been waiting for. I sat in a room with my daughter in my arms. Her head at my knees, as I was bent over cooing to her, talking to her. She looked just like I remember, only her eyes were open, and she was full of life. In my dream, there was no shock, it was as if she was never gone, she had always been here with me.
She lifted her head, just a little bit and snuggled it up to my face. That's when I woke up. It was such a short dream. And, though her eyes were open, I don't remember what they looked like. And thought she was full of life and the dream was completely calm and happy, when I woke, I was swept over by sadness.
I thought the dream would make me feel better, instead, it reminded me, even more, of what I have lost; of what I am missing out on. That stings terribly.
And I'm torn. I want to dream of my angel again, to see her living, and happy, and cuddling up to her mama, the way it SHOULD be, but the sadness it brings, is almost unbearable.