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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Things that Remind me and things I Remember

There are things that I run into that remind me of Alexandra or something to do with my pregnancy. Usually, they smack me in the face when I least expect it.
When we were in the hospital, waiting for Alexandra to be born, it was shortly after lunch and the nurse came in. She smelled strongly of spearmint gum. Not just any gum but the kind that is supposed to help clean your teeth. I told Steve at that time, that I just HAD to have some gum. And off her went, to the gift shop downstairs, to buy me some spearmint gum.
I've bought plenty of spearmint gum since I had Alexandra. I am an avid gum chewer, I always have gum in my mouth, hiding under my tongue usually. The other day though, I happened to grab the same kind of gum I had in the hospital. When I opened the package the smell filled my nostrils. The memory slapped me the face. It was too sudden, I couldn't possibly have been prepared. I choked back the tears, turned away from Steve, composed myself quickly. Tried to smell that smell again, to replace the memory with being home with Steve and Dayne. No dice.
A few days ago I as on my way to therapy. I was taking the bus, reading a book. I thought it would be nice to have the time to myself. The bus began to pass a strip mall. I saw one of the stores and thought about getting the swine flu vaccine...we had gone to that mall. My mind scanned it's memories...there was something more. As it popped in, punched me in the gut. I immediately regretted having put my book away to look out the window. Why Melissa, why couldn't you have just kept reading?? The memory was vivid. There was an office behind this mall. In the office there is a place where you go to get ultrasounds done. This was the place I had been twice before. The last time I was there was the day we found out Alexandra was a girl. the ultra sound technician had chatted with me the entire time, I had told her that I was sure the baby was boy. I had a boy and was sure I was having another boy. She was going away for Christmas and she was excited.
Once all the boring stuff was done, Steve was invited into the room. I smiled at him, excited, he thought I knew what the baby was. When she said girl, she explained that the baby had made it VERY obvious that she was a girl, there was no question. I was shocked.
My mom and stepdad had been in the waiting room with Dayne. When I came out, I couldn't contain my excitement, I tried to trick them, but they guessed right away. We went for lunch at Harvey's after my appointment. On the drive over there I told Dayne he was getting a little sister. He said "Um, well, I actually don't like little sisters..." And Steve and I laughed. I said "You will buddy, you'll love your little sister more than anything!"
I had a chicken burger, it was supposed to be more healthy but it didn't taste very good...gross actually. Dayne got a little coloring book and felt pens as his toy. We tried the poutine, it was really good. We chatted about baby girl things and my baby shower. I thought about how it would be to have a daughter. I couldn't make the smile leave my face. A little girl and a little boy. Our little family.
The memory flashed through my mind so quickly, from the time I first saw the mall it took seconds for my eyes to move to the Harvey's restaurant as that day played out in my head. And the tears began to tickle at my bottom eyelashes. I blinked quickly, looked down. "Don't cry Melissa, don't cry" I kept telling myself. The thought of having a breakdown on the bus, in front of all these people, they'd think I was crazy.
I kept the tears at bay, and I made it to my appointment. On the way home I stared at my lap until I was sure there was no way I would look up and see anything traumatic.


  1. Memories like that really creep up on you, often when you least expect it. Thinking of you & Alexandra. (((HUGS))))

  2. Memories like that can come up so suddenly and give you that crushing feeling. I hope that one day, triggers like that will make us smile and remember the good times when we were pregnant.

  3. Because we knew that Amelia would not live, I made sure that I had something wonderful to smell that would remind me of her. I have a little bottle of pure essential oils that I put on her and when I need to really remember her, I open the bottle.

    Since I am home a lot ~ have become kind of a hermit ~ the memories are easier to deal with. I still can't go back to the gym or certain is just too hard.

    Hope that they become more bearable.