I have been working hard to try to be happy these last few weeks...Who has to work at being happy? It's probably more common than I think, right?
Sometimes I think about what happened and I am struck with denial. I start to wonder if there was a mistake. Maybe something happened and it wasn't MY baby that was lost. This is crazy, I know it is. I held my baby right after she was born, I held her in my arms for hours. I looked at her, waited for her to take a breath, I know that she didn't. I was there when they searched for her heart beat and didn't find it. I was there through it all and still denial sometimes creeps up on me.
I believe it's part of me not accepting that something so horrible could have happened. It couldn't have, it wouldn't be fair.
My dreams these days have been strange dreams about little shoes and memories of my pregnancy and my loss. Hawks transform into storks, but none have my baby. I wake up wishing for those nights where there were no dreams, just darkness.
I wake up and have to fight myself to get out of bed. My heart is sick, it needs to rest.
I am bothered by the fight about talking about Alexandra, not talking about Alexandra, dealing with people's response when I talk about her, dealing with my guilt if I don't.
"The medical world has come so far, but these things sometimes happen. Think about how it was 50 years ago, so many more babies make it now"
Mine didn't.
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Mine didnt either... It's hard to hear people talk about how great it is and how we live in a place where babies dying is nonexistent... When it IS. I know- three times over. You know. So many of us know.
ReplyDeleteIt's just not fair... There are no other words for it...
Hugs to you. I hope the dreams that are bothering you go away and you are able to get some peaceful sleep soon. It does just hurt so much that our babies didn't make it that of course it will sometimes take a whole mountain of effort to feel happy. Or at least that's my experience so far. Again, hugs to you and wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteHi, Melissa. I was a lurker on the May 2010 babycenter board, but didn't know until tonight that your little girl had passed away. I'm so sorry. I am shocked and so heartbroken for you. I remember you being one of the more vocal members of the board, but I never commented on any of the posts (maybe I commented on one post or two) because I felt like too much of an outsider. My first baby, my son Owen, was bornstill at 36 weeks.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, my heart aches knowing that your baby girl is not in your arms right now. Please know that you're not alone and that there are so many women out there who will walk with you and grieve with you.
If you haven't already, go to www.missfoundation.org
It is a wonderful forum of women just like us.
my heart is with you tonight.
ebe
Alexandra is a beautiful name and I'm sure she was a beautiful baby.